Triploidy in All About Hikaru/Yuki

Turns out it’s not Trisomy 13.... its triploidy. Instead of an extra 13th chromosome, my baby has a whole extra set. My sweet Yuki. They said she’s actually a boy because she has a ‘y’ chromosome, but with an xxy combo how could they even tell? Probably intersexed. I will still think of her as a girl. Maybe that’ll change if I’m holding a dead fetus in my hands next week who has a penis.

Told my son. Told him the baby is very sick and the doctors dont think she’ll make it. He asked if science had real magic potions couldnt the doctors make a magic potion to make the baby feel better? I told him theres no magic potion for this. He said, awww. He’s sad. But I told him maybe after a while I could try to make a different baby. He said okay. But the donor isn’t going to try again with me. So after I miscarry and heal from that and do all the things I’ll still be back to square one, looking for a donor again, knowing that I’m a tay-Sachs carrier. I’m told it’s highly unlikely that this will happen to me again. But I also know how probability works. Being the one in a thousand doesnt mean I can’t be the one in a thousand a second time. If God doesn’t want me to have a baby, I won’t have one. He’s in charge. I just don’t understand. There must be a reason. Just not sure I get to know what it is.

I remember Tay’s smiling ass face as she looks her nose down at me, glad I am not doing well. And I hear all the nasty things she thinks about me. I just want to stab her in the face repeatedly. I don’t abide two faced people well.

By the time I see Jay again my baby will probably be gone. I’ll have to announce somehow. So people stop asking what’s wrong and why I’m crying when they could give a shit less. Wish Jay would ask, more accurately, I wish he’d care. I wish I could talk to him about this. I wish I had the courage to ask him to be my donor next time. But I know he won’t anyway, and I have no right to ask for such a large favor. His girlfriend would probably be irate.

So I suffer alone.