Ermagerd Erpdert in Current Events

I have a job interview on Friday at an art supply store. I’m pretty confident about it. I’m 99.99% sure that I will land it with my interview skills. Unless that is something that is done online now too. I’m not bitter about how the game has changed or anything. It’s pretty exciting news though! The first thing I did was call my grandmother to give her the update. There haven’t been any leads in months. In 14 years if I want to be exact lol. I made her day. She told me that she had her church pray for me the other day. That’s so sweet. I’m not letting myself overthink it. I’m not celebrating too early either. I don’t know what the position is or anything like that either. I’d prefer to start from the bottom and work my way up. Also, my mind is trying to create problems for me about it already. Like, dude! I’m trying to induce enlightenment here! Get with the program. I only told the people who matter about it. The ones who are worried sick about me. It’s just going to feel good not feeling like I am waiting around for someone to want to hire me. I’m pretty confident that I got this!

I think I figured out my weight loss. I haven’t been drinking! The two times that I did have a glass of wine this year made me feel so awful the next day. Not a hangover but deep sadness. I feel guilty like I did something wrong and that I’m going to get in trouble. Alcohol no longer serves me. So I think that is why I lost that other ten pounds. I don’t know how I lost the first ten pounds though. I don’t know why I thought a flat stomach was ever going to make me feel either? My skin probably looks good too! From the no drinking, I mean. I wouldn’t know as I haven’t been able to look at my face all year. I just look at what I need to and I get out! Imposter syndrome? Dissociation? Low Self-esteem? I don’t know what my problem is with my reflection but I can’t do it. I can’t face myself. I have an image of myself, in my mind, where I am a young supple twink. Then I’m scared that I will look in the mirror and see a balding, crater faced, middle-aged man. When and why did I build my self-esteem and self-worth on looks? It’s the most fragile thing ever. I think that mess is leftover from my social media days. Editing and shopping the fuck out of my selfies messed with my mind. I wish I was stronger than this. It is possible though! I can’t lose faith. Faith is so much easier to have when you can pay your bills though, believe you me! I’ll see a psychotherapist eventually. Once I can source it. I’m trying not to think too big about anything though. Overthinking is a habit that is going to die-hard. When I think, I sink and then my mind wants me to drink, use porn, binge eat, play Skyrim until my eyes bleed and whatever else that it is used to getting as a reward. Anyways, I should get on with my day now. I need groceries and it is leg day. I slept in and wasted most of my day already. Sorry not sorry.
ta