Rocking in Journal 2020

I think I need to sleep more, my hallucinations are coming back in the tenfold. I just had one about my keyboard on my phone and I restarted it in a panic.

I’m paraniod about my bf, I’m scared he’ll hurt himself. I passed out while we where talking about my diary (specifically the men I’ve been…idk) and he started comparing himself to them.

He isn’t like them at all, he isn’t. But I woke up to a message about him thinking he should kill himself, HE IS GOING TO DO IT EVENTUALLY. And that terrified me.

I started calling him, I was crying, I couldn’t think straight my brain kept going to random things then back to him. He eventually replied and was okay but I can’t have him dying.

My paranioa is coming back so strong. I remember once in freshman year, I spent two hours hiding in the bathroom. I thought if I left I would be killed. Today that came back but I forced myself to leave because I was so scared for my boyfriend.

I’m sitting in bedroom with the door locked, thinking about everything. I rocked for a bit. I’m terrified. I can’t think straight and I keep seeing things that aren’t real.