The Blahs in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

Last night, I got home. Martha wasn’t home but not much of a surprise. Though for the second time in as many days; she leaves the dog home alone and doesn’t think to dog proof or put Nala in her kennel. Upsetting. Nala finds her kennel safe and comforting; but if left to wander the house by herself for too long, she gets anxious. So two days ago, Nala ripped up Martha’s mail and homework. Last night, Nala dumped the trash can and moved all of Martha’s shoes to the living room. And in these instances it is almost always those things which smell of Martha that receives Nala’s attention and ire. Which seems obvious to me. Nala may yell at me when I don’t pay her enough attention; but Martha outright ignores the poor thing. PLUS last night, Nala kept putting herself under the various beds in the house. A move which suggests to me that she could use kennel time during the day if she’s feeling insecure.

Monday when I got home from work, it was super cold and rainy. BUT it is my honor and duty to make sure Nala is walked. So I took her for a quick (very cold) 45 minute walk. Then when we got home, played chase in the basement with her. This was, apparently, sufficient for her entertainment needs on Monday. I had intended to walk her Tuesday morning… start a two-a-day walk regimen so she can get some more exercise and attention… but when I woke up Tuesday, my back was absolutely killing me. So… sorry, puppy. Surprise early morning walk cancelled on account of horrible pain. BUT after work… I made sure to give her a big walk that included some running and exploring. Of course… it wasn’t enough for her. And with my back still hurting a great deal; I did not then commence an additional hour game of chase in the basement. This resulted in her seeing me sitting with a heating pad on my back and spending large portions of her evening Cry Shouting at me. Ultimately, I went to bed and she refused to come to the bedroom. I fell asleep. Then I woke up about 3 hours later with her on the bed, sleeping peacefully at my feet. But I was hungry, needed to pee, and my body was getting worse as far as aching and sore. Not too terrible a surprise… a cold front was sweeping in and that cold front brought more snowfall. So I got up, ate some veg, went to the bathroom, and couldn’t get back to sleep. As I stretched, eliciting many popping sounds from my back, Nala woke up. I went downstairs and sat in front of the fire and Nala followed. But, of course, Nala thought she would be getting her game of chase at 2 in the morning now. I tried to engage her in tug and throw the ball while also maintaining the fire and trying to do some stretches but of course… this was unsatisfactory to Nala who, again, began Cry Shouting at me because I wasn’t “playing right.”

I went back to bed at around 3:30 and Nala joined me. Curling up at my side this time and leaning heavily against me as she slept. It would have been nice to give her a morning walk this morning to burn off any extra energy but… tired from the previous night and the aching pain is now encompassing my entire neck, my entire back, most of my right leg, and my left thigh. This kind of growing ache means I need a long, hot bath… a good, professional massage… and more sleep. Or a weather shift to less precipitation, more sun, and temperatures consistently above single digits.

But it puts me in a precarious, unenviable, and potentially painful position.
Taking care of Nala solo while I’m also working full time… that I can manage. But if my pain issues are going to be reasons why Nala doesn’t get the exercise or attention she needs? That’s not as easy to work around. I don’t want to be the kind of person that doesn’t give their pet what they need. I prosecute those people. A human’s emotional content should never become more important than the animal’s physical needs. But I also adore my puppy and probably wouldn’t be great if I lost my wife and my dog so close together. Not to mention my stubborn and passionate dedication to live as much of a normal life as possible regardless of pain. So… I’m going to have to give this a lot of thought.

In other news, I think the reality of everything is hitting Martha. Which is both good and bad. She did call around (finally) to get a lay of the land on rent. Which made her finally think to start asking some questions. Liiiike… will she be able to rent if she can’t submit a paystub… is she eligible for the “income restricted” apartments… how much is she hoping to get her rent to? She’s finally started investigating those elements. Don’t get me wrong… I’m not holding out hope that she’s tackling those questions with the fervor of someone who needs answers… but getting her to face even this much of reality is a necessary step. She’s even starting to think about where she would apply for work, so there’s that. As to apartments, there is a place in town that would suit her needs but she’s worried about how expensive the rent is. So she called her parents. And her parents are (in her words) “harping on her” to make sure she gets an attorney so that she can “get the money that is coming to her.” NOW I have no reason to believe her parents say this with ill will. I believe that their primary motivation is to make sure their daughter isn’t destitute. I also believe that they are aware that their daughter is… the way she is… so that if she can get some “taken care of” money, they won’t have to worry about her “succeeding at being an adult” as much. So no ill will from or to them. But it does… make me feel oogie. Because I would never do something to knowingly put Martha in a worse position. But… I am worried about how much she/her parents think… is coming to her. For example… I had a savings account when we got married. That account had about $20k in it. During law school, we were spending more than she was making… but my account still grew. Then I got a part-time job while in Law School… and our account grew. We paid off the law school debt… and our account grew. Then I got a Prosecutor job and Martha went part time… and our account grew. Then I was working an attorney job full time and she was working Wal Mart full time… and our account actually took a hit. Then I got another prosecutor job and Martha didn’t work… and our account grew. My bank account is now 4 times larger than when I was married.
Now… breaking it down… we’ve been married for 8 years.
Year 1: Martha sole bread winner
Year 2, 3, and 4: Martha primary bread winner, Chris supplemental, Chris’ family heavy donations
Year 5: Chris primary bread winner, Martha supplemental
Year 6: Co-Equal Bread Winners
Year 7, 8: Chris sole bread winner

So… as far as money goes… I’ll just say… I don’t think it would be fair for Martha to get half of the bank account. Having said that… I will work my ass off to make sure that fairness is the focus but… just saying “not get half” could cause some waves. So this is making me worry a little and face up to some of the harsher realities about this situation as well.

That being said? Even though it will quite literally cost me, I’m going to encourage her to take the place she’s worried about expense of. I’m not an idiot. I don’t want to see my own housing outgoing double. But taking steps to survive on our own and see what happens is a damned important part of this process and needs to happen “like now” as it should have happened before now. The honest truth? I don’t really see it “shock Martha into healthy choices” but… not even for our marriage, strictly for the woman I married… I’m still hopeful that she’ll learn from this. That she either learns to “live her priorities” or “develop care and concern for other people” or at least… start actively working on getting help for her issues. Because that can’t be a great way to live. Trapped in your own mind, isolating everyone, not being able to make friends or reciprocate a relationship? I mean… yeah, she’s hurt me and upset me… she’s devastated my self-esteem and made me feel like I’ve wasted a decade of my life… but in the way of “we can hold a conversation, watch many of the same tv programs, have a thorough shared history, and care about the same people (in our own ways)”… we’re friends. And even if you were a work colleague that I refused to talk to because I didn’t like you… I’d at least want you to live a healthy, happy, and fulfilling life.

And I do have to admit… I hope that after all of this, we can be friends of some fashion. Probably not “catch a movie together” friends (but maybe) but at least… invite her and a plus 1 if it exists over for a friendly night of board games and cocktails with a few other friends. Because at the end of the day… we didn’t work romantically. But that friend that knows all your movie quotes, that can invoke a the memory of a hilarious anecdote by referencing a single word, that knew you (at least in some ways) years and years before anyone else… that is a friend I’d like to still have around if possible.

GOOD NEWS FROM WORK:

Boss got more convictions. That means he is killing it out there in court. Great for our office.

But it is me, so I can’t just let something be happy. I have to look for the flaw, the error, the problem… because too often it is while we celebrate victory that our failures creep in.

SO!
The Flaw: If my boss is the one taking everything to trial and kicking ass… that is SUPER GOOD NEWS for this office. He’s the elected official; he is the one who can use the excellent press and Board support! Buuuuuuuuuuut… he’s the elected official. Pretty soon they are going to start asking him what I do if he’s the one in court. Now, he absolutely knows I’m needed. He can’t handle Board, Politics, and Case Load of the entire county. At the very least I make sure he doesn’t have to handle Juvenile Court, Magistrate Court, or a fairly sizeable portion of District Associate Court. So… I do provide value… just… if I don’t provide easily recognizable value in a court room type setting… I may see my financial forward momentum quickly stall here.

But there is also really good news as to the subject matter victory.

Our county has not lost a Sex Crimes Trial since I was hired.

However, I have not been First Chair in any of our sex crimes trials. So… I can take and deserve none of the credit for that.

BUT… let’s keep this in a happy place, actually. My Three Law Jobs. First: Do nothing miserable place devoid of justice. Second: Nightmarish Hell Hole of Absolute Torture. Third: We’re being productive and doing a good job. SO.... awesome! Something to be pleased with.

So this may be awkward after what I just wrote… I was thinking about this since it happened but couldn’t find a good narrative place to write it without also interrupting the flow of what I was actually trying to say. So, I suppose, to re-set the whole thing… lemme start over..........

After I went to bed last night, I got about three hours of sleep and then woke up feeling multiple ways. I needed to pee, I was hungry, I was sore and achey… but there was an additional feeling. I was feeling horny. Martha was in bed and she was wearing black panties and nothing else. And frankly? Yes, I do still find her very attractive. I do like a great many things about her appearance and about how she feels in my arms. For the first time ever, I felt a compulsion to wake her and tell her I wanted to take her from behind. But… of course… I didn’t. I am upset and hurt about how she’s been handling everything and it has helped to show me just how little I actually mattered to her and… that stuff matters. So… while I could totally have sex with her without fear of “changing my mind about the separation or moving out”… I still also think I shouldn’t keep going “back to the well” under the circumstances.

Of course… that being said… allow me to do one of those semi-frustrated grunt sighs. :noise:

I need to learn how to “casual”… or something. Because I find myself thinking things like, “You may not have sex again until you’re 40. That is a possibility.” And that is just… such… :noise:.

RANDOM QUESTION....

If I were to create a new journal or just open a new book that discussed my sexual journey and exploration of my own sexuality and kink.... who would want to be on that list to gain access to that book/journal? With that portion of my life I’m… well… VERY sensitive because it is all so very new, so very personal, and a journey where I already KNOW that I’m going to fuck up, I don’t need people telling me that I’m going to fuck up. So I guess in short… who would like to read me discussing sex, sexual preferences, and sexual mis-steps… that would also not be judgmental or critical?