Unsatisfied in All About Hikaru/Yuki

Tick tock, tick tock. Time moves so slow. Anxiously awaiting results from the amnio. Almost a whole week to go still. And I cant get comfortable unless I’m laying in bed or a bathtub. Its infuriating. I need to get out more. Not healthy for me to be cooped up in the house. And morning sickness is back with a vengeance. Maybe it’s a good thing, maybe my baby is growing again, making up for list time. In my minds eye I see a baby that never gets bigger than an avocado, a baby born the size to fit in my palm. How could she ever survive? Yuki the thumbelina.... Then I remember such a condition affects my uterus too. What if they take my ovaries to heal me? Could I even live with that? No money to bank my eggs. My doomed thumbelina would be my last babe. I’m so afraid. What can I really do? I should stop vaping, new research says it caused abnormality in frogs, but how do I find the will? Now? With everything that I’m going through? There must be a way.

Lust has taken control of my mind. I’ve done pretty well avoiding sex so far. Not as well as I’d like but still pretty well. Yet… lustful thoughts wont leave me. My body is screaming. It wants, wants, wants. More, more, more. And for once I wish I had a husband. To give me this, and to comfort me when I cry, to assure me he will still be there by my side, come what may, to spend time with my boy when I just cant seem to stay awake, to help clean this hell hole.

The house just keeps getting worse. I’ve tried and tried, but I’m so tired, and my roomate wont pick up after himself no matter how much I complain. I cant afford a house cleaning service, but I’m pricing them anyway. Maybe I should just work my ass off, every single second I can, so I can afford to live comfortably, doors on my room, house clean, able to buy any food that I’d like. Maybe I should work my body into the ground, it needs the work anyway, with all these extra pounds. If I dont get to spend time with my son anyway, maybe I should just work and work and work until I forget what I was even working so hard for. While my roomate destroys the house and my son gets bored I’ll just work and work until I find a way to fix it all.

What else can I do anyway?