Monday: February 17 in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

Today feels like an important day in history. Like some battle of something. I know it is President’s Day but… I just get the feeling it is something bigger.

1801
Thomas Jefferson is elected third U.S. president

1820
Senate passes Missouri Compromise

On February 17, 1904, Giacomo Puccini’s opera Madame Butterfly premieres at the La Scala theatre in Milan, Italy.

1979
China invades Vietnam

1996
Chess champion Garry Kasparov defeats IBM’s Deep Blue

So.... maybe it was the China invades Vietnam thing??

After Martha came home on Saturday, I gave her a good lecture. Told her that I had been encouraged by many to change the locks. I spent the remainder of Saturday (including over night) in the basement deciding to not even share the same level of the house she was on. Spoke with my parents on Sunday. My parents who are loving, forgiving, supportive, and have been praying for Martha… told me to change the locks and start packing her shit. Information I passed on to her as I again insisted she be out by March. And that, I believe, is what will happen. I will drive to Cedar Falls on the 29th. Watch the new MHA Movie with MBFITWW. Get a much needed massage. And if she hasn’t taken any more friggin steps towards getting out of my house? I’ll start throwing her clothes into boxes. I’ll get all of her clothes and all of her toiletries thrown into boxes and put into her car. I will let her know that I will not prevent her from returning to collect more of her things; but as she has done nothing to prevent this situation… it is time I stepped in. Shit packed. You can search for an apartment from your parents’ place. Because honestly?! She is the one that insists I keep the house because (and I agree with her) it makes the most logical sense. Dog plus Gate plus Geographically Specific Job plus Ability to Pay Mortgage. It is logical that I retain the house. So the illogical steps in. If she is going to leave the house… time has ticked WAY by on that. November, December, January, February. If she were getting straight up evicted, she would have had to come up with a solution 3 months ago. She is, as has become her routine over these many years, taking my compassion and understanding nature and using it against me. And that is pretty shitty to weaponize your husband’s good qualities. That’s twisted. TO take the GOOD THINGS someone would want in their spouse… and use them in a way that actually HURTS that spouse? That’s… fucked up, lady. That is how you turn a loving, caring, supportive person… and turn him into a bitter, spiteful, vindictive person.

Work this morning is… a little intense? Boss is gearing up for a trial, so I’m doing all of his Weekend Fire Fighting. Which is more involved than usual due to a number of fires happening.
(1) Judge won’t let us charge someone with burglary because the judge thinks the Defendant was given access to the house by someone with license to do so. I re-read the evidence. Victim says “He was in my home once. I told him never again.” Defendant says, “I was over there like two or three times. I took the money the third time. Therefore, the judge’s contention that he was “given access” can only be supported if he believes the Defendant and not the Victim. Which… holy shit, that isn’t what a judge is supposed to do. Rule of Law. AT CHARGING, the judge is supposed to review the evidence in the light that best supports the charging information. YES we have innocent until proven guilty… AT TRIAL. I know this is the judge’s second week but Christ, kid… you’re not a defense attorney anymore!
(2) Judge won’t let Victims give statements at sentencing. It is a State Law that any victim of any crime may give a statement to the judge at the time of sentencing in an effort to influence the sentencing judge’s decision. BUT our judge just wants to do everything on paper and not hold hearings. Which fundamentally robs the victim of the opportunity to do a Victim Impact Statement at the sentencing hearing. So… that is an issue.
(3) 16 year old kid. Car full of 16 year old kids. That’s a crime in Iowa. Iowa has a “graduated license program” and any child under the age of 18 is not permitted to drive more than 1 other child under the age of 18 without an individual over the age of 18 present. So… 4 16 year old driving around… the driver is violating the law. Except… this kid killed two people. Driving around having a good old time… ran into two people at 70 miles per hour. Victim’s kids? Want charges brought. The rest of the town? Wants the whole thing to just go away. SO… I have to figure out how to respond.
(4) 17 year old kid has been molesting his sister. His parents don’t want charges pressed because it “looks bad for the family.” As he is under the age of 18? MY call to make.
(5) Asshole that stalked a woman for 2 years up to and including breaking into her house and threatening her children? BACK in my jurisdiction. Because he removed his GPS tracker… stopped attending meetings with parole/probation… was back on methamphetamine… missed 40 required meetings with his P.O. So… that’s what “protection” is in our state apparently. When someone who we know to be a violent danger to society uses methamphetamine, cuts off their GPS device, and refuses to be held accountable… we wait until we’re super duper extra extra really honestly completely sure that we’re not mistaken before we do anything. FUCK sake!
(6) Then I have to cover my boss’ hearings today and tomorrow. On top of my own hearings today and tomorrow.

So… potentially intense day at work??

So… yay for compartmentalizing?! rofl.

Because yeah. If I were one of those people that broke down because of my personal emotions? I could never keep going at my job. I mean… I’ll admit that I’m not exactly “over” what happened this weekend. For Martha to not have moved out… to have a Valentine’s Day Date… to have slept over at said date’s place… and for her to act (Sunday Night) as if everything is “essentially back to normal” I mean… holy fuck, I hate to say it but… exactly how damaged is this chick? How sick is she? And when did this happen? Because… if she were… like THIS for the entire marriage?!? Uhm… then yeah. When I first mentioned divorce in 2014; I would have gone ahead and pulled that fucking trigger. Damn! So… somehow… being in a marriage filled with love, support, encouragement, and financial stability… fucking hobbled this chick somehow. Weird. But I am weird, too. And surprising myself. Because I’m not sad. Yeah, I cried this weekend. I’ll own that. But my feelings? The feelings that really… have stayed with me? Are shock and anger.

I am shocked that a 14 year relationship, an 8 year marriage… a relationship that has taken up 35% of Martha’s life… would be as equal to her as her relationship before me. So… a 3 year relationship to her is the same thing as a 14 year relationship? Living with a man is of equal importance as being married to a man? 12 % is the same as 35%? I’m just… I’m shocked about all of that. Shocked and angry. Because while it is true that I NEVER felt like Martha cared about me… while she very seriously withheld physical affection and honestly didn’t say I Love You without me asking her to… I guess I’m just… stunned silent while simultaneously fuming. The fact that she didn’t have time for me or the dog but had time to get her next guy lined up before moving out? It just… it defies belief.

I’m trying really hard not to let it get me down. Trying to stay shocked and angry. Because the sad and depressed are not a product of her actions; they are a product of my interpretation of her actions and how that changes the interpretation of our history. The sad and depressed are creatures of perception. The shock and anger are creatures of reacting to her indifference.

That being said? I will take this time to acknowledge those creatures of sad and depressed. Because it takes my story to an entirely new and miserable place.
There are only three women in my life that thought I was worth more than “a handful of months”.
One cared about me so much that she tried to kill me.
One cared about me so little that I was a non-fuck fuck boi.
And… with this perception filter on my marriage? Apparently the other one cared about me in the same fashion one would care about a security blanket. No real passion or respect or consideration beyond the comfort and safety the familiarity brings.

So… my romantic history is pretty much.... victim, cast off, familiar asexual blob.

Didn’t really expect to be 35 and still wondering what it would be like to be loved, appreciated, and cared about in a romantic and sexual relationship. And if you told me that I would be 35 still wondering that and that I had been married for 8 years at that point? I would have wondered how you came up with such a strange and implausible joke.

Maybe that should be my avatar name. “The Strange and Implausible Joke.”

I think my plan for the week is to just… dedicate myself to my schedule. If your schedule is complete and you have downtime at home… play a video game you’ve already beaten. NOT “play a new game”… don’t want to start imprinting memories or engage your emotional core. Just… do something mindless that takes up time. Let the world spin for now and re-engage in a few weeks. After Martha has moved out. After you’ve wrested independent control over the mess of your house that she’s left. After you get your own house in order. Then turn your focus more outward. On your health. On your physical, mental, emotional, and social health. But until then? Just get through this. Just keep trucking forward.