Late night reflections in 2014

I seem to really be living in my head a lot lately. Even moreso than usual....which is actually saying something. I find myself craving....solitude. Quiet. I know it's the energy drain with the physical, emotional, and mental exhaustion. But I think it's also.....just part of who I am.

I'm starting to reconcile myself to the fact that I am to some degree selfish with my time and energy. A part of me hates it because it so strongly affects my relationships with other people....but it's also a part of who am I.

I'm ready for the surgery.....both of them. I think. I'm anxious, of course. It's surgery. But I'm putting a lot of weight on them having a fairly significant impact on my sleep problems, which underlie so much of everything else that I've been struggling with for so long. I need....energy. Health. A better mood. More...stability. It's rather ironic that certain people claim to look to me for some amount of stability when I feel so little of it myself. I need to get better at it, especially if I'm providing it for others, too.

Maybe that's part of the selfishness....pulling back to keep focus on keeping myself more....balanced. Especially since it takes so little to tip me over. I just don't have enough energy to maintain much more than the bare minimum right now. Hence why I'm taking the steps, finally, to fix it.

But what kind of an impact will that have on my mindset? On my... priorities? I just don't know. But not doing it isn't an option anymore.