Tuesday and Random Bits in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

RANDOM BIT ONE

I went to bed last night at 10:00 p.m.
When I woke up this morning, my legs were in pain and my back felt like someone had used it for accordion practice. In short: LOTS of pain. So I e-mailed my office. Told them I would be late today. Frankly… there’s nothing going on for my docket today. As I said yesterday, all of my work for the week is finished until Thursday. So… not like coming in late is a big deal. I went back to sleep. Woke up at 10 a.m. Back still killing me, but as a responsible adult I need to go in to work. But first… as Martha (who was awake and doing homework) hadn’t done… allow me to feed the dog! Then struggle to get clothes on and drive to work. Where there is a large pile of nothing waiting for me.

I saw something online today that was about “Pro-Women” and “Anti-Masculine Bullshit” but… once again, considering my life… the “Pro-Woman” message is what my experience had been.

The post starts with “Why don’t you just give him a chance?” and the woman response was “idk because I’m not physically or mentally attracted to him and ‘but he likes you’ or ‘but he’s really nice’ isn’t going to change the fact that I’m not interested.”

To which a man said, “I don’t think women know how much this hurts.” And that it devolved into this giant argument about how men don’t realize that a woman feels pain when she’s rejected as well and how all men have standards that are too high and that if they just re-set their standards and would ‘settle’ for a girl that was less attractive, then they would be happier.

So, I guess… ultimately… I have two responses to this.

FIRST RESPONSE: I’m still trying to learn that “but she likes you” isn’t enough. When I was 12, I was really interested in a girl. She was thicker, not very popular, but she was beautiful to me and I really wanted to get to know her better. Her so-called friend told me “She’s not interested in you. At all. But I am.” And all of her friends approached with the, “She likes you!” perspective. So I said yes. Because ‘she likes you’ was the so you have to go out with her there. Ultimately… there is a little of that in many of my relationships. Aku? She tied me to a tree and forced me to ask her out under threat. But I stayed with her. Partially because “she likes you” was expected to be enough. Martha, even. I was really into her. But she had a boyfriend. So I was trying to cut ties with her and invest my time with other women, women who were actually available. But then Martha came to my door (while I was watching a movie with another woman) and explained that she did like me. Instead of shutting the door and telling her to come back when she was single; there was that voice in my head that said “she likes you” and encouraged me to figure out how to make it work.

AND LET ME TELL YOU: That is a stupid fucking reason to have a relationship with someone! And I experience some of it here in Prosebox, too. The concept of “it doesn’t matter if you’re physically or mentally attracted to them” has been stated in notes here before. As if the concept of being attracted to someone is incidental to a dating relationship. We need to shut that shit down. As someone who grew up with ‘but she likes you’ as enough… we need to teach and embrace that OUR OWN OPINION MATTERS. The secret insidious nature of “but he/she likes you” is that it is saying “This other person’s opinion matters more than your own.” Because re-worded… it looks like this
P1: “I do not want to date this person because my opinion of them is that they are not the type of person I want to date.”
P2: “You should date this person because their opinion of you is that you are the type of person they want to date.”
But at the end of the day… it is YOUR life… YOUR opinion… YOUR journey through existence. Someone trying to get you to act in a way counter to your feelings by using someone else’s feelings… is simply someone saying that the other person’s feelings matter more than yours. DON’T ALLOW IT. Be true to yourself and don’t let “but his feelings” or “but her feelings” make you accept and/or settle.

SECOND RESPONSE: So, read that first response over again. It is the pro-feminine go on girl message that should be heard (even by men like me who were put in that position). Because the encouragement is “don’t settle. Don’t let a man’s feelings for you guilt you into giving him a chance if you otherwise don’t want to.” And that’s a good message!! Everyone needs to feel free to pursue the life they want! I fully support that! BUUUUUUT.... then comes the more involved portion when you get past the first half of the post. The part that expressly states “The men complaining about rejection would have no problem finding a lovely girlfriend if they’d just expand their idea of beauty. It’s not every man’s right to have an extremely attractive girlfriend; it’s not your right to have any girlfriend. And if you wouldn’t date a woman based purely on her having a nice personality, why the fuck should ANY woman date you?”

Which makes me pause for a minute and think.... wait… wait… are you setting up a backwards expectation now? Are you saying a woman should never have to accept a date “because he likes you” but a man should accept a date “because she likes you?” Am I reading that wrong?!?! So now you’re stating that a woman needs to be “physically and mentally attracted to” someone but that these men just ‘need to get over themselves’ and date a woman purely based on if she’s nice? PLEASE TELL ME I’M READING THAT WRONG because that undercuts the ENTIRE message so severely!! NOT TO MENTION the over generalization there!! I mean… IN A BIG WAY! I have a really good friend who fell in love with the love of his life. TO HIM, she’s beautiful. He is 100% attracted to her mentally, emotionally, and physically. She is over six feet tall and over 300 pounds. Fair to say, I am not attracted to her. But for my friend? He adores her, loves her, is thankful to be married to her. FOR HIM, she is beautiful. BECAUSE we want partners to be mentally and physically and emotionally attracted to one another. Or how about this… another friend of mine in Omaha… I met his wife. She’s fucking stunning. I mean… if she were single when I met her (and if I was) I would have asked her out INSTANTLY and just stared at her throughout the entire first date. Now here’s the thing. Yeah. She’s heavy. Yeah, she isn’t “bikini model, chive model, runway model” but to me she was an absolute knockout. So… there’s that element there, too. Which is honestly why I’m academically FASCINATED by what people find attractive. Because it is influenced by societal expectations, cultural norms, and our own development… but it is also individualized, unique, and different from one person to another. Why would someone look at Martha and think “fairly plain Jane” and I look at her and think “very attractive woman”? The whole subject is incredibly intriguing for me. So… as a Human Species… lets just take a step back and say to all genders… YOU DO NOT HAVE TO DATE SOMEONE BECAUSE THEY ARE “NICE” OR BECAUSE “THEY LIKE YOU”! It is entirely acceptable (no matter your gender identity) to reject a potential romantic partner because you are not mentally, emotionally, or physically attracted to them. Whether it is a woman saying no to a man because she isn’t attracted to him; or a man saying no to a woman because he isn’t attracted to her. We need to stop “shaming” people for their standards. YES if a Jon Brower Minnoch-type is spending his life bitching that he’s getting rejected by an Ana Cheri-type… maybe HIS FRIENDS need to have a personal heart to heart with him. But even then… it shouldn’t be some internet meme that starts with a “Women don’t need to say yes to you” that devolves into “If you won’t say yes to all women, than why should any woman say yes to you” message.

Speaking of dating (in general)… I’m… still of two minds about something. Bumble… great women. Tinder… some really great women. But no messages at all. On the other hand, Zoosk is e-mailing me all the time saying “You’ve got unread messages”. THAT BEING SAID, Zoosk is one of those Dating Apps that requires payment in order to read messages or respond to messages. So… I am fully of the belief that Zoosk plants false positives. It works better than advertising! “These women want to talk to you” on a dating app might as well be a “Horny Singles in Your Area” advertisement on a porn site.

But even though that is true… I must confess the temptation is strong. Bumble and Tinder are dead ends for me so far. And while I still admit (firmly) that I am not in an “actively looking to date” place for myself right now… I’m still very much in a “actively looking to see if I’m datable” place. And if I have (allegedly) 35 unread messages on Zoosk of various women who would at least be interested in talking to me based on my Zoosk profile.... it is VERY tempting to spend money to see what that’s all about. Because I’ll admit… seeing the type of women who want to talk to me could easily help build my confidence or destroy it completely. Because if even 35% of the women who want to talk to me are in any way attractive to me? Awesome. That means that there’s a chance for me at some point. But if 100% of the women are in no way attractive to me? That… is fairly brutal feedback. But it shows me what I need to do… how far I need to go before I’m the type of person that can attract the people I’m attracted to. And again… please trust me when I say I’m not the 35 year old who only swipes on bikini-clad blond 22 year olds. That isn’t me at all. But I do reserve the right, and defend my choices, to “swipe left.” Because… some of these have to be jokes? Like… you wouldn’t put this as your Dating Profile Pic if you were serious yeah?
(Not actual dating profile pic, prefer to google search to avoid potentially “outing” someone using a dating profile who may not want it common knowledge. But still… this is an appropriate sample of the Swipe Left that I do)

One of the things that has created a divided America in the stupidest way is Health Care. Because here is the dirty little secret that everyone should know: ALL AMERICANS THINK THE SYSTEM IS BROKEN. So… this is something that one would think the American voters would discuss sanely. Because while we may have different ideas as to how to fix the system, we all agree that there is a problem. Unfortunately, obviously, you would be incorrect. Because humans, at this stage in their development, cannot be expected to behave like rational creatures EVEN WHEN their lives depend on it.

According to most reports, the overwhelming majority of United States Citizens are 1 cancer diagnosis away from crippling poverty. That isn’t hyperbole or a worst case scenario. The overwhelming majority of United States Citizens receiving a diagnosis of Treatable Cancer will be forced into debt simply fighting that disease. The United States has truly created a health care system where if you fight to live, you’ll be paying for it until you die.

AND YET… even I balked when Democrats said “abolish private insurance.” Why? Because the only employers keeping Iowa financially solvent are Farmers, Wal Mart, and Private Insurance Companies. And the largest contributor is Private Insurance Companies. Why else do you think Pete Buttigieg won Iowa! He’s the one expressly stating that he would never get rid of Private Insurance! I mention any of this because Cracked.com has this interesting read on Medical Health Care Issues and I wanted to quote the brilliant very accurate statement that starts the article:

Isn’t it kind of weird that your boss can decide whether you die of cancer? That’s effectively the logic behind employer-based health insurance. If you have it, you can get chemotherapy; if you don’t, then go ahead and be independently wealthy. If you can’t even manage that, then just die already.

Americans do not apply this logic to other necessary services. It’s not like if your house is on fire, the fireman says, “Sorry, you don’t have coverage for this, so if you want me to save your house, I’m going to need $250,000. That’s just to start. Steve’s really the door specialist, though, and that’s gonna be a whole other set of charges …” So why aren’t doctors provided as a public service like firemen, police officers, teachers, or lawyers? As with many terrible things in life, from the Cowboys to presidential assassinations, you can thank Dallas.

Here’s a dark and sad thought...........

One of my ex-girlfriends is an absolute saint. She is the one that… just being near made me feel like a better man. But she broke up with me for two excellent reasons. First: She said that she never saw me happy. And it broke her heart to never see me happy after all the time we spent together. Second: We never kissed. I never expressed any physical attraction to her, and as she had grown up a “bigger girl” that was a big issue for her. We broke up. A year later, we were friends again. And remained friends. Good friends. I was even part of her wedding. I love her, I love her husband, and I love her children. They are beautiful and perfect and the ultimate ideal of what life should be. It is her birthday today. I haven’t sent her a Facebook “Happy Birthday” nor have I sent her a card. I’m pretty terrible about birthdays to be honest. Because I want to be there for and with people. I would rather drive to where you are, even if that drive takes 12 hours, and take you to dinner or out for drinks. Spamming you on social media is for Work Colleagues or People You Don’t Care About. But of course… as I don’t spam the facebook, I end up doing nothing. Which seems even shittier.

For those who are new or wondering about the “if you liked her so much why weren’t you happy or touch her”? Because I knew she deserved better. Even then, I knew what kind of person she was and knew she deserved the absolute best. And she found it. I mean… this is a woman that fought cancer while fighting for Native American Federal Funding Programs. This is a woman who was having a difficult pregnancy while fighting for Native American Civil Liberties. This is a woman who defines goodness and light. Ultimately, as she is a huge Buffy fan as well… she helped me to understand something about that show.

Buffy and Angel are soul mates. I buy that perfectly. But just because you’re soul mates doesn’t mean it is the best experience. Buffy needed someone that WOULDN’T hurt her… for anything. Angel isn’t that guy. Can’t be that guy. I’m either quoting or paraphrasing Angel here but… Buffy needs someone who can take her out during the day, show her that there is more to life than fighting and monsters. She needs someone who understands that part of her life without becoming that part of her life. We all have darkness and pain. The person you’re with should help you with that; not be part of it.

Here’s an interesting dichotomy. Or just proof of me being an asshole, lol.

I just saw a comment that said, “Remember the good old days, hanging out in a 360 party!” And it made me think. I was only ever involved in those during the Black Friday Lead Ups.

Here’s how it would go down. I didn’t play a lot of video games online. Sometimes, I’d jump into a competitive Halo match just to get my ass pwned but I’m a child of the Atari and Nintendo Age. My video game experiences were solo or involved friends being physically present as we played video games, drank soda, and ate pizza. So I wouldn’t normally be sitting with a group of other players on an Online X-Box 360 Party. The exception to this was Black Friday. Me and two other friends worked at Best Buy in the Video Game section. After Thanksgiving Dinner, we’d grab whatever nap we could but we would have to be at work at 4 a.m. (or earlier!) and nobody wants to wake up at 3:30, get dressed, race to work and… yeah. So we’d all typically get about 3 to 4 hours of sleep, hop on XBox 360 and the three of us, with five of Bonono’s friends would just play ridiculous Forge Maps.

Fast Forward to Bar Exam Study.

My study group, consisting of me… Bosser, Law Partner, MBFITWW, and Servo… all got PS4s and Destiny as our study break. No matter how stressed, how frustrated, or how far behind you felt… we’d meet at least once a week online to play Multiplayer Competitive or Cooperative. Because it is easy as FUCK to get swallowed up by Bar Exam Prep and have it absolutely destroy you mentally and emotionally. So this was our way of looking out for each other.

That was 6 years ago. I haven’t seen Bosser since then except for his Wedding Reception a few years back. Law Partner moved out to Washington DC and I haven’t seen him since. I haven’t even heard from Servo since Bar Exams. So it’s just me and MBFITWW left. And we tend to have a rather different approach to games. I’ll play any game I enjoy until I’ve collected all trophies. So currently, I’m still playing Mortal Kombat X, Mortal Kombat 11, ALL of the Borderlands Games, and Injstuice 2. MBFITWW plays games he enjoys to death but only the ones he TRULY enjoys. For instance, he likes Borderlands 3… but not nearly as much as he likes Red Dead Redemption 2 or Persona 4. So he’ll play those two games over and over and over again. Meanwhile, I’m trying to grind out things like 100 Fatalities Against the Same Opponent or some shit.

In short… all that to say… while I’ve never exactly been one for a lot of online game play interaction. I do kind of miss it. It would be nice to go back to the way things were for Bar Exam Study. My friends on the headset, all playing together… making each other laugh, cooperating, working towards an objective. Instead… my video game life is mostly… me, by myself, playing a game, while YouTube, Netflix, or Porn is playing on my laptop that is so old and dying that if the laptop is bumped in anyway, it does a full system shut down.

The following image is NOT shared to titilate or arouse… I wish to share it and then speak on it

I would love for a girl like this to be my trainer! Yes, there would be an element of “She’s hot, I’d want to get with that” as a motivating factor but that would not be the PRIMARY of it. I will acknowledge my weaknesses, my faults, my flaws, and my inner horribleness. What I mean when I say I would love for a girl like this to be my trainer is…

I would love for a very fit, attractive woman to be the person building my workouts, encouraging me, and telling me to do better. Because someone that keeps themselves in good shape would be best to help me figure out how to lose the weight I wish to lose. Someone that is fit and attractive encouraging me would be important and helpful to my self esteem. And someone who is fit and attractive telling me that they know I can do better would be a motivator. SOME people would look at a fit, attractive trainer and think “Fuck you, it is just genetics go away.” And they wouldn’t be wrong. But that is why I think an opposite gendered trainer would be best for me. Of course… getting a trainer isn’t exactly on my list right now. I’ve a few more pressing matters. Like… getting Martha out of my house. Determining how Martha’s exuent might affect Nala. Determining how best to handle Nala during the day with Martha’s absence. Getting my domestic shit in line. THEN I can look into maybe getting a trainer.

Last updated February 11, 2020