Slightly More Personal in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

Crikey, I’m tired. I shouldn’t be. Well, I shouldn’t be and I should be all at the same time. You see, yesterday was a big long day with lots of productivity. Basically it was like shower, work, work, work, work, eat, work, work, work, drive, eat, work, caucus, sleep. But then I woke up at 1:34 a.m. and actually felt refreshed. But I wasn’t going to START MY DAY at 1:34, so I went back to sleep. Then the dog woke me up at 6 a.m. to go outside. So I let her outside. Then I woke up at 7 and drove to work and was in court all morning. So the time is presently 1:38 p.m. and I am tired. BUT I still have work to do.

Not an insane load. A meeting. Trying to get my boss to talk to me about my Okoboji/Canada conflict… and as for work, that is about it. Then home. And possibly, but no promises, playing cards with Remus and Victoria.

So not a whole helluva lot planned really.

But I wanted to respond to a question that I got on priorities.

Why worry about refinancing the house and re-titling the cars when Martha is still in your house?

Simple answer? Control what I can, build progress and move to what can be done. If push comes to shove, I can do a quit claim deed. I can get it so that the house is entirely in my name without relying on anyone else. I can get the cars re-titled properly. That is stuff I can do that relies on nobody else. So I want to make sure those things are getting done. Getting Martha a new place? I’m still doing work towards that. Certainly. But that whole thing requires Martha and a Landlord and Visitations and a lot more involvement. Heck, even just getting everything legally finalized for the separation requires me to follow up with my attorney… who is doing this as a favor to me, thereby not charging me… so I don’t want to harass him since he should be focusing on his paying clients.

So… I want to get as much done as I can to get us to the place where we need to be. In fact, I am going to drive her to a nearby apartment that has immediate availability on Saturday. Give her the chance to look around (give me the chance to look around) and discuss distance from school, costs, and safety. If it looks like “an acceptable place”… I’ll actually start the argument. “Okay, this isn’t terrible. It is within your price range. When are you going to call to get your application started?”

I’ll admit… there is one thing that makes me feel more wishy washy than anything and that is pathetically horniness. Because on one hand… yes, Martha is the only woman you’ve had sex with. So when you are in a “I want to have sex” mood, you think Martha. However, your sexual relationship with Martha has been frankly abysmal. There is no reason for you to think that your sexual relationship with Martha was anything other than “almost non-existent”. BUT ON THE OTHER HAND… she is present and potentially available. So… really? This creates that whole issue in me that had been there from the start anyway. Right? I mean… prior to Separation… “She is my wife. The only one I am allowed to have sex with. I want to have sex sometimes. The fact that she refuses constantly is unkind. This will result in my resentment and/or cheating if it is permanent.” THEN discussion of separation. Then sex 5 times in 3 months (which is, as said previously, more than we’ve had MANY YEARS). So… yeah. That’s the history. But now I’m trying to be more… owning of my boundaries. Or having boundaries. Like… making sure the house and cars and other things are taken care of so that I can start building the life without her that I need to. Like… not having sex with her just because she is a female in my house that I could potentially have sex with. BUT yeah. Honestly… it feels complicated but seems simple. It feels complicated because I probably could have sex with the woman to whom I am still legally married and who is still living in my house… but we are (at least I am) actively working on getting separated because our marriage has all but failed. So, it feels complicated. But it doesn’t need to. Options are easy (1) Have sex with her. This could send the wrong message but would be sex. (2) Don’t have sex with her. Take celibacy as a new role chosen by you that may be interrupted at some point in the future by someone or may not be.

Strange, eh?

The man that waited for his wife… who struggled furiously with his wife’s constant sexual rejections… is struggling with sexual urges and morality.

I said strange before but really? It seems fitting. Very bloody fitting.