February 02 - 03 in Journal 2020

Today… I’ve wondered if writing journals is really worth it in the end. I’ve been doing this for nearly a year now and it’s sad to see how much has gone wrong. However, many things have gone right.

I guess this all will be good to look back on in four years or so. When I’m a adult, it’ll be funny to read my entries and laugh over what I wrote.

I started on a few request affirmations earlier today. I already finished one document worth of affirmations and it looks pretty good. Everything should be done by the end of today if I keep up the pace.

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Continued:

Sadly, I didn’t start on the twin flames affirmations. I’m to tired to and I prefer to right them when I’m in a good mood. Earlier today, I was listening to my manifestation playlist.

It’s for dimension travel, gaining good luck, law of attraction and just increasing my confidence. I ended up getting really nauseated as my playlist was long enough it was nearly two hours of hearing bird noises with t2s in my head.

My mother was doing her usual “fuck my child” act sadly at the end of the afternoon ish. Like she was flipping out on me over food on the floor my brother spilled because apparently I’m the only one who ate ANYTHING today.

When her boyfriend had a whole frozen sausage patty on the goddamn floor! Straight on it, as I finished power washing dishes (she made me clean the counters and sweep FML) I saw that bitch. I was disgusted and immediately chucked it in the trash.

Goodness. It made me lose my appetite, though I still ate a turkey and cheese sandwich and drink sugarless vanilla Chai tea. Always drink tea without sugar to avoid thickening mucus. Anyway, I think I’m pleased with my dream body board. I will make it a vision board soon.

I had to deal with my mother’s toxic bullshit last night. I honestly have begun to regret that time I declined to join that runaway group. It saddened me that now I regret not running away from home, I think it really tells how bad our relationship has corroded.

I got my phone back from her and immediately saw some texts that made my stomach crawl. Jason, my other friend from reddit and insta, was very upset and seemed to think he scared me off. I have to invest in some self esteem lifting convos for us someday.

He’s a great guy friend, just incredibly self conscious about himself. I think I should try and set him up with someone soon because he really needs a boost. Personally, I find him to be a catch but he sees himself as some skinny, weirdo.

Hopefully, we can work on that. Anyway, I slept like a baby last night besides some dreams about my exes. They made me wake up in a cold sweat with the worst stomach ache I’ve ever gotten in a while. My choice in partners has been criticized A LOT. By myself, friends and total strangers.

I don’t intend to date assholes, it just happens. I’m trying to fix that.

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Continued:

I had a weird interaction today. Some random guy texted me and asked if I wanted to be his fucktoy/slave in a non BDSM server. I ofcourse declined but it made me start to wonder…erm do I give off that type of vibe?

Kinda made me think about some things. O.o I mean I’m not one to sext and just do that.

But then again, I’ve never attempted it. I’ve been offered plenty of times suprisingly, it just isn’t my THING. I am kinky, we all know that but I have standards.

I don’t think people realize fantasies are mainly just fantasies, I’d never actually do some of the things I say. I am only sixteen years old so it’s just gahh.

A middle schooler texted me about their boner. I blocked and feel very nauseated. Why are children so goddamn WEIRD?

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Continued…
Something happened on my server, i don’t really want to talk about it right now. It reminds to much of back when I was friends with…nevermind…I should go listen to music and my playlist…