Failure in Journal 2020

I tried everything guys. I didn’t do anything to drive him away. I tried so bad.

And he…he…lied. I saw in a server with my own eyes last week he talked about how he wasn’t over his ex, how the entire time period we where together he was missing him.

I felt so so worthless right then. I tried not to cry because I was in school but I can’t stop sobbing now. I cried during the whole shower as I scrubbed hard at my skin, I scrubbed as hard as I could.

Because everything was a lie and he doesn’t care. He’s been ignoring me for days and every bit of self hate I conquered while being with him came rushing back.

John, out breakup didn’t hurt me. Ali it ripped me to shreds because if the aruptness but I healed over the summer. R, I got over in hours. Will I thought was nesscary and felt safer being away from

But Isaac…it hurt so bad…it hurt so bad knowing the majority of our relationship he was most likely cheating on me with fucking adults. That I wasn’t good enough, even though I started eating healthier. Started studying harder. Hiding my random outbursts from him. Doing everything in my power to get better, look better, DO BETTER.

And it wasn’t even good enough. To know he doesn’t even care about me to reply but can go on servers and groups and play games just made all the confidence I built just fell apart.

I can’t even write in here because he’ll read it and he read everything before and I feel like I must’ve disgusted him. When I tried not to write everything that happened December and January because it got so bad. I wanted to be stronger but I can’t.

Our anniversary would’ve been Valentine’s day. I look at my lover letters I wrote for it and I cry more. I feel used. And dumb. And just empty. I don’t know if I wanna live. I just slept and slept and ate and ate and cried and cried.