Insider in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

Obviously, I am aware of the myriad ways that the law and the system is broken. The funny thing about working in so public (and so Hollywood focused) an industry is that everyone has their own opinions but everyone agrees that there are problems. The humor is that, while everyone has their own opinions, really in most cases… only the industry insiders really know the specifics of the problem. However I would say that the Press, especially a Local Press uneducated in the law, actively (though unintentionally) makes the problem of “what are the issues?” worse. I’ve mentioned it before via my own experiences but here is a big one for today from a different place.
Individual drives by McDonalds, sees his ex-girlfriend in the restaurant with another man. Individual returns to McDonald’s and fires his shotgun into the building. Miraculously, no injuries were sustained by anyone. Individual speeds off. He is apprehended in Missouri.
News report states “He is being charged with Attempted Murder and faces up to 25 years in prison.” This is accurate. An unsuccessful murder attempt is punishable by up to 25 years in prison. Meaning… if you try to kill someone and fail, you’re not facing Life in Prison but 25 years. Which, I would argue, is bad. Trying to kill someone should be punishable by life in prison as a failed attempt to do something shouldn’t be rewarded if the intent was an honest effort to succeed in taking someone’s life. However there are additional charges that could be attached to help with that. Firing a weapon within city limits; eluding at high speeds; crossing state lines while being pursued; Aggravated Weapons Use, and more. So… yeah. The law stating “You tried to kill someone. Take a time out!” is stupid. But making it appear as though someone can attempt to kill their girlfriend by shooting into a business and only be punished with at most 25 years in prison seems… irresponsible.

I know I need to be kinder to myself and firmer with Martha but that is definitely a tough thing. I admit that upfront. The difference in me… trying to go through a separation where Martha wasn’t threatening to kill me or injuring me… having difficulty doing something completely solo..... and DV victims where they and their children’s safety is being threatened and we actually do have resources that will help them pay rent/travel to work/babysit the kids… actively working against all of us to stay in that dangerous position......... that can be frustrating.

But to my situation?? Oooffff. I am… not being as firm or as demanding as I should be. In a number of ways. Probably first and foremost? I stopped sleeping in the guest room. (1) The bed in the guest room is the one Martha will take with her when she leaves; (2) the bed in the guest room is a lot harder on my back and body pain. So, I am sleeping in the main bedroom again. This is a problem as Martha has not, then, moved to the guest room. She should. She really should. Otherwise, our separation (as it exists now) is pretty much just exactly what the marriage was to her with the exception of me repeatedly talking about when she’s going to get her own place and what she may be taking with her. And that’s something where, if I were more willing to be tough with her, I would have already straight up demanded that she start sleeping in the guest room. But I haven’t as I don’t want to start a fight considering that the paperwork is currently being finalized. Meaning… the separation will be legally binding soon and I’d like to keep the peace for now. And ultimately… that is something I’m being emotionally hard on myself about. Because… eating dinner, watching TV, sleeping in the same bed… that was our entire marriage for most of our marriage. Which is the very reason I asked for the separation. Because I wanted a marriage that was… more.

Considering how life is, and how she’s dragging her feet, I can report that she has accumulated a pretty complete list of all of the rental properties in the area. I don’t know if she’s actually started calling any of those places or taking any active steps to secure housing… and I should really be more forceful about it. I mean… I did say that I wanted her to have a place by the end of the month. But I wasn’t forceful about it or maintain any threats or promises in connection. That being said… I have been direct with her about things like Valentine’s Day, Summer Holiday Plans, and I have persistently pressed the issue of what furniture/possessions she will be taking with her when she leaves. So… I would argue that I haven’t been ambiguous about anything… but I haven’t been forceful. This might have to change in February. The end of February is just 2 days shy of a full 100 days since I asked for the Separation. So… getting the paperwork portion finished this week/next week (mortgage, banking, and car title issues) is important and then really pushing (really pushing) her to get a move out date in February.

Though… I should mention the following: Yesterday when I got home from work… she had done the dishes and walked the dog… and “cooked dinner” which means… put a “Bird’s Eye Easy Meal” on the stove, but still. Again… this isn’t a “hooray for helping” so much as it is the bare minimum expectation considering her abundance of free time in the house… but it is still something I appreciate as that meant my schedule was not then occupied for 3 hours on something she could have done at any point during the day. When I get home at 5:00 p.m. at the earliest, every hour means a lot more. And I will admit… this particular issue was a significant point of contention with me after the move. Before she started school and after. Because… seriously! When she was working full time… and I was going to law school full time while working part time… I was expected to keep the kitchen clean, do the cooking, take care of all of the “house chores.” SO… with me working full time… and her either (1) not doing anything; or (2) taking 6 credit hours in school… it felt that I should be able to expect her to keep the kitchen clean, do the cooking, maintain laundry, and walk the dog. That… didn’t feel like too much to ask. As it clearly was… this triggered the resentment that had built up (despite my sincere attempts to prevent/avoid) due to the complete lack of affection, words of affirmation, and sex. Which led us here. So… I’m balancing perspectives. On the one hand Hooray when laundry and dishes and dinner are done by Not Me on the other hand? The four hours you spent organizing your digital photo album took priority from homework, house work, finding a place to live, and doing productive things because.....?

Because it is so clearly on my mind… I’ll share with you all what I think it would take to either (1) reconcile my marriage or (2) be a proper life partner. Consider this crowd sourcing to see if I’m being an asshole.

(1) Does she have the ability to care about people beyond her own benefit? How does she show them this care? How does she inform other people that she values them? Including affection, showing signs of interest, and actively caring about someone… what steps does she take in her every day to build up her partner and express her live?

(2) For Reconciliation: Martha needs to figure out what caused her to reject any and all forward movement in her life. She stayed at a job she despised while taking all of her depression and anger out on me. She refused to look for resources to help and when those resources were offered to her, she refused them. Why? What is at the root of this?

(3) Preferred Partner: Emotional connection is important. Expressing love or care verbally and physically is important.

(4) Situational Awareness and Emotional Maturity are important. A woman who is able to understand the emotional content of a discussion or situation and is both able and willing to be proactive or curious about same.

(5) FOR ME: I need to be strong enough and confident enough that my partner must do more than “choose me”. The simple fact that someone is willing to be with you is insufficient evidence to suggest that they like you or find you attractive. As it is important for a man to demonstrate his opinion of his partner (through compliments and gestures), it is important for a woman to demonstrate her opinion of her partner (through compliments and gestures).

(6) Discussing, understanding, and supporting each other’s emotional, physical, and spiritual needs is important. If every moment is either working towards HER needs or not working at all? That isn’t a healthy relationship. Supporting one another should be mutual, not one-way.

(7) Both man and woman should know who they are and what they want. As for me? I want a wife or girlfriend that is willing to say “I love you” or at least communicate her affections and intentions verbally without having to be told, asked, or explicitly required to. I want a wife or girlfriend that is willing to have sex with me on a semi-regular basis without having to be told, asked, or explicitly required to. Any romantic/sexual committed relationship I am involved in must include romance of a minimum of action or word and sex of a minimum of physical intimacy and sexual interaction.

(8) Acknowledging the difficulty in making friends as an adult… it is still important. It is important for a person to find things that they enjoy and find people that enjoy them as well. Likewise, it is important to know how to be a friendly, gracious host that positively engages guests and social visitors. This isn’t “Miss Marple’s Guide for Housewives” but an expectation of a mere baseline of social civility.