Queen of swords-R in tarot journey

Her right hand raises the weapon vertically and the hilt rests on an arm of her royal char. The left hand is extended, the arm raised, her countenance is severe, chastened, and suggests familiarity with sorrow.
Divinitory meanings: Widowhood, female sadness and embarrassment, absence, sterility, mourning, privation, separation.
Reversed: Malice, bigotry, artifice, prudery, deceit.

I do want to say ( honestly mind you that’s the only way here) that right after the shuffle and before the flip I thought about flipping it differently, like when will I get a reversed card? Did I flip it the same way yesterday? .... I flipped it the same as I usually do but I’m thinking that I was supposed to flip it a different way because this doesn’t fit.... Malice, bigotry, artifice, prudery, deceit.... it makes me almost want to laugh. I’m an open minded and honest person. I would never want to hurt someone so much as to want any of those things.... it almost hurts my head trying to dig through my life in it’s current state trying to find them.

That being said the regular Divinitory meanings make much MUCH more sense.... It has been 3 months since Rocky and I have had sex.... female sadness and embarrassment .... absence, privation, separation..... for sure those things.... I’m pretty tired of it but I also don’t care.... he has done nothing … says nothing… to make me want to.... it’s seriously just a thing on the list that I keep putting off cause I don’t want to and no one seems to care that I don’t.... so whatever.... i say I don’t care… obviously I do otherwise I wouldn’t say a damn thing but.... I don’t.... like our life wouldn’t change if we were having consistent intimacy .... but it would… I mean maybe I’d want to stay in bed longer (I keep waking at 2-3:30am and just getting up because I don’t even want to listen to him breath). Maybe my days wouldn’t seem like such a chore.... a list of things that are never ending and always need me.... because no one else will do them.... and for what… currently it does not feel like a give and take but all give on my side… I get nothing in return.... and it’s not like I haven’t said anything.... but hey if it’s attraction on both sides… if he is not longer into me.... well that’s fine too but lets get it out and get on with it? Whatever, I’m done with this right now.