Handful in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

First, I just saw a meme that is so many people in my life that I am required to share it.

THIS IS SO MANY PEOPLE IN MY LIFE!! LITERALLY.
Like.... “The media says chopping your dick off is painful. Fake News CNN fucking bullshit. I’m gonna chop my dick off!” Uh, dude… common sense would suggest chopping your dick off is painful. “Fuck you, dude. Liberal fucking retard!” Okay, buddy… here is literally a thousand years of evidence that says chopping your dick off would be painful. “You don’t get to tell me how to live my life!! Seriously, now I’m gonna chop my dick off just cuz I know how upset it’s making you!!”
HONESTLY. THIS IS THE SHIT I SEE EVERY DAY. FREAKING HONESTLY! GR. AH. GRARGH! I’m just… I’m just happy at least someone made a meme about it because it means other people are experiencing this kind of shit as well!

Things are… fairly calm for today.

As I only got 3 hours of sleep Monday night; I was hoping to sleep better last night. Of course, a good night’s sleep could not be accomplished but I did manage to do better than 3 hours. I find it rather annoying. I go to bed at 10:00 and seem to have trouble falling asleep until midnight-ish. So when I try to get up at 5 or 6, my body is VERY against the idea and I use up a lot of my willpower/spoons just forcing myself out of bed at 7.

At 7, I checked messages. Police Department sending a Road Alert to citizens because of freezing rain and snow. Drove to work in the freezing rain and it wasn’t too bad.

Got to work… e-mailed a bunch of attorneys. Need to make a phone call. And that’s my day. Then I have to drive to Des Moines for a Glaucoma Eye Appointment… and then see my parents. I haven’t spoken with them much since Christmas. They’re cool about that… but they worry. A lot. Largely because if I’m not talking to them during the separation thing, they worry about what I’m thinking and feeling. And they aren’t exactly wrong to do so. But… it is complicated. Like… how I’m feeling in general is complicated so trying to discuss and explain that to my parents is even more so. But at least in person will be a lot less awkward than over the phone. It’s just… it uh… it isn’t exactly easy being the second “divorce/separation” in our family’s history! In fact, for my Dad’s side of the family (only and exclusively) divorce had only ever happened once… his eldest cousin… because her husband was physically abusive… and when I tried to explain to him in High School how almost all of my friends came from homes with divorce… he got angry that I would make up something like that. THAT is how “in touch with the last 50 years” my family is, in some ways. In our family, there was only 1 divorce/separation from 1919 to 2019; therefore, divorce doesn’t happen “often at all.” Y’know… despite the fact that in a graduating class of over 600 people; over half of them had parents who were divorced… but that wasn’t OUR family. BAH. Sorry, I got a little focused on the shame spiral there a little. It’ll be okay. I think.

Other than that?

Not much going on. I suppose I could let you in on a thought that crossed my noggin.

First and foremost, I am announcing (if I haven’t already) that I am attempting to save all of my vacation days. I presently have 40 hours of vacation but am hoping to continue to earn… as I believe that by October, I’ll have between 90 and 100 hours of vacation time accrued. If MBFITWW and I decide to do the Japan Trip in October, that trip will require about 80 hours of vacation time. Which would leave me with between 10 and 20 hours left. Now… I don’t have to use those for anything. I can continue to use those as a base to accrue further vacation time on top of that and, perhaps, do an Ireland trip in 2021. I have always desperately wanted to go.

But then for some reason Vegas popped into my head. I’ve only ever been there once. For 3 days. For a wedding. But it was fun! But… why was it fun?? (1) I was there with Family; (2) I was there with Martha. Martha gambles, I don’t (at least not well). But Martha was also the one that wanted to explore the area most. We saw shows and exhibits and “saw the sites” and that was fun. Plus, the family. The family is always hysterical and a blast! Honestly, if it had just been me by myself? I imagine I would have stayed by the pool, reading and drinking alcohol for most of the trip. Which… makes me start to think. Two things, really.

(1) I’m not sure I’m the type of person that should vacation solo. Arguably, it would be fun in theory to go someplace and do whatever I wanted without having to get someone else’s opinion or permission… I could go to the shows I wanted to see, visit the bars/casinos I wanted to, do whatever I wanted to without concern for someone else’s preferences or comfort. But while all of that sounds good in theory… I’m not sure I’m the guy that would take advantage of the opportunity.

Which leads me to the second item

(2) I’m not sure I’m the type of person that is “fun”. This isn’t “self-deprecating” or “self-confidence issue”… this is an attempt at a genuine, frank self-assessment. I know I like to make people laugh. I like to engage in conversation. I like to read. I like to play video games. But in as much as what it means to be a “fun person” I think I’m actually pretty lacking. I’m not a fun adventure waiting to happen. Or if I am? I don’t know how to access that. And this aspect… whether as discussed in solo-vacation form or making-new-friends form or being-a-date form… I think this concerns me more than I’d like to let on. Because ultimately… I don’t think anyone is entirely thrilled at the concept of being “no fun” and 35. Even more so… being “no fun” and childless and single at 35 sounds like… well… a significant social problem.