A Dark Sun Rises in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

Not sure how much writing I’ll do today. But as I last wrote 5 days ago… and that’s rather a long pause for me, I felt it appropriate to return to speak.

Thursday Night was Dungeons and Dragons Night. Victoria and Remus were going through some very deep, very massive family shit. So it was really good for them to engage in a world of fantasy and fun and all of that. I can appreciate that but I rather envy their ability to put problems on pause like that. One of the reasons why it is so hard for me to be spontaneous or to live in the moment is that… I really can’t just “hit an emotional pause button” and do something else. Wherever you go, there you are is kind of within me all the time; so even if I’m trying to ignore it to focus on something else… my emotional baggage is definitely still in the room. As Dungeons and Dragons was going on; cell phones were beeping all over the place. A large snow storm was predicted and (apparently) it was to be so massive that the entire state seemed to shut down in anticipation. Every school in the county canceled Friday sessions. Many schools cancelled Friday classes and all weekend activities. Everything was bracing for the storm. AND YET....

Even Friday morning, no official word from the County. Our emergency services management supervisor was e-mailing people all over the place (storm information, predicted temperatures, expected snow fall, all of that) but still… County Employees were expected to continue as normal. I decided… fuck that. If it is allegedly too dangerous for Timmy McLocal to walk to school 3 blocks away; it is too dangerous for me to drive through rural county roads to get to work 20 miles away. Besides… with a few exceptions… I can do the majority of my job by simply monitoring my e-mail via my mobile device. So I let work know that if the entire state was shutting down, I’d be working from home. Shortly before 11 a.m. the County officially stated, “Snow has started to fall. All employees may return home.” As the storm built and raged, it seemed apparent that I was not going to be driving anywhere. Which is unfortunate as I was supposed to hang out with MBFITWW during the weekend. At about 6:00 p.m., I checked the Road Conditions Map and there was no good way to drive to his place (80 miles away). So I let him know I’d come in the morning.

Wound up getting to his place at 1-ish. It was… okay. More of the same for us. Talking, watching Anime. As I was there, though? Much of my current situation with Martha weighed heavily on me. Martha is as much a friend to me as MBFITWW in many respects. I do care about her deeply. And there is a dark tragic irony to the idea that “a man who wanted more affection and care” is selecting a life of loneliness as opposed to staying with a woman who was not meeting the need for affection and care. Rather like being cold and removing a blanket because it isn’t keeping you warm. Sitting with my dear friend, understanding that his entire world is (1) work; (2) video games; (3) anime… and that’s it… it was haunting. Really drove home the dissonance in my head. I grew up surrounded by people. My High School swim team had almost 100 people on it. A small club in my school was 30 people. “Going to the mall” most of the time meant going to one of 6 malls in the area, almost all of them with several hundred people in them. But… in the modern world, being a single guy in rural Iowa with our interests? Hell… we don’t even reap the benefit of going to a comic book shop anymore. Even if the nearest one wasn’t 50 miles away… everything is turning to on-line. We’re developing more and more ways to remove connecting with each other in a time where more and more of us desperately need to connect with one another. A world full of tragic irony.

Came home late Sunday Night. Wound up sleeping in heavily. Like… 2 p.m. on Monday!! Woke up, played with the dog for about 3 hours. Nala needed it. She was freaking out ecstatic to finally have someone to play with. Because of course… Martha? Balls deep in her note taking. Continuing her fine tradition of turning 2 community college courses into a full time job with overtime. Things like that remind me of why the separation is needed. Because she’s even saying while she’s doing it that she wishes she didn’t take so long to do things like that. She’s copying the text book plus pictures/diagrams into her notes… taking roughly 6 to 12 hours per day in note taking. It isn’t and can’t be our everyday that Martha spends her time entirely (obsessively) focused on a single thing. And I hear you… “clear sign of mental illness”… well, that’s her responsibility to take care of it. I’m not responsible for “fixing that.” So whether it is Horror Movies and YouTube… or Emotional Breakdowns and Poor Stress Responses… or taking 6 credit hours and spending 60 hours a week on them.... that… isn’t healthy for her… and it isn’t healthy for me to constantly be around. And I’m acknowledging that.

Last night as we were talking… Martha openly stated that she didn’t want to move out. Obviously. I asked her if she wanted me to move out instead; if that was what she wanted. She actually got a little angry at me for that because she did NOT want me to be the guy that moved out of HIS house just to make things easier. She was adamant that the house was mine, that it makes more sense for me to have the house and dog as her life is the one “up in the air” and I’m the one with a steady full time job that requires me to live within a very specific place. She just… really likes the house and the dog and the husband and the not stressing over a new place and the not stressing over packing. Which all makes sense. But she does still understand and appreciate why this needs to happen. Especially after I told her that she’ll likely be happier with her own place. As I said that she can spend as many hours as she wants to doing homework without having any concerns about me or the dog interrupting or needing something.

Obviously, she hasn’t found a place yet. That being said… we have a meeting with our attorney this afternoon. This meeting is the next “most official step” towards taking the action that I still know is necessary but still loath entirely. Because that is where I am emotionally right now. And I get it. I hear you. So many of you are essentially saying the following:
It is acceptable to walk away from the small fire right now and go into the cold; because you will find a bigger fire that keeps you warm.
I get it. I hear you. I appreciate the faith you have in me. But at the same time… I’m the one living this life. I’m the one that gets to see a state overrun with meth and obesity and cruelty. I’m the one matching on Dating Sites and only receiving positive responses from MtF Non-surgery or women with 5 kids who look like they lost a headbutting fight with a chainsaw. I’m the one living in a community where there are really only three “social circles”… “Parents with Children; Criminals; Retirees.” I know how shitty my marriage was. But I’m also equally aware of how shitty the world around me is. I have no illusions about either one. An unfulfilling, sometimes draining, occasionally positive marriage? Or a bitterly lonely, often aggravating, occasionally acceptable life alone?

What does my day look like for the rest of the day?

Glad you asked.

Step 1: I forgot that I had a hearing today. SO I need to race back home to grab a tie!
Step 2: Have a hearing
Step 3: E-Mail attorneys about Thursday Hearings
Step 4: Figure out what my next 4 weeks look like, professionally while reading Prosebox Bookmarks
Step 5: Leave Work Early
Step 6: Meeting w/Attorney
Step 7: Walk the Dog
Step 8: Clean and Cook
Step 9: Maybe Borderlands Presequel. Maybe.
Step 10: Go to bed.

That’s my day