An Abusive Relationship in Musings

After I wrote that last entry I was made aware my language around putting Christians in a box is pretty problematic. I consumed some more atheist (specifically made by ex Christians) content and it helped me see even more why I needed to slow down on the “I hate Christians” talk. (Or just save that for my paper journal and not post it on the internet) Mr Atheist (on YouTube) talked about how he wished he had been quieter his first year of atheism because he realized later that he was speaking from a place of hurt and in turn hurt other people.

So I’m still going to talk about that hurt but maybe not in such a pointed “I hate Christians” way. And more of a “these are my experiences and why I’m feeling the way I am” kind of way.

So here goes.

One of the resources I have found helpful is a podcast called “Born Again Again” and in one episode they read out a list of signs of an abusive relationship and then related that to a relationship with Jesus. It was so spot on with the way I had been feeling and it brought up a lot of pain for me. Particularly because I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for years. And now it all makes so much sense as to why.

Because religion conditioned me to think that type of treatment was all I was worth.

Christianity touts that there is something wrong with you (sin) and that you need a man to save you (Jesus) and that you have to give your life to him and become who he wants you to be. So much of that parallels to the relationship I had in college. He always made me feel like I wasn’t enough and at times came right out and said I wasn’t enough. He always pressured me to change so I could be good enough for him. For our relationship. It was of course “for my own good”. But what did it leave me with after 3 years? A broken heart and lots of emotional baggage.

It’s no mystery as to why I put up with it for as long as I did. Because Christianity literally taught me that on my own I’m worthless and deserve hell. Why would I think I was worthy enough to deserve a healthy relationship? Of course I would think I was only worthy of a relationship where a man loved me when he felt like it and then ignored my calls when he didn’t want to talk to me. Isn’t that exactly what I was feeling from God?

And when I finally left him? Finally turned my car around (literally) and decided that I wasn’t going to put up with it any more because of the hope I had of a better life, who did I credit? God. Not my self for finally having the courage to end it.

I can’t blame that version of me too much. I really was indoctrinated to think of God as loving and caring and there for me. And I desperately want to believe in that God. The God who would send a rainstorm to get a girl to turn her car around so she could leave a bad relationship and open her heart to a new one. And maybe that God exists. But I sure as hell don’t think that’s who the God of Christianity is.

Once again I’m so happy that I’m not raising my daughters in the same kind of harmful thinking. I want more than anything for them to be strong and to know their worth. Not sinners who deserve hell but as people who have value and something to give to the world.