It's Only Getting Worse in Him

This is escalation and it shouldn’t be happening. Perhaps we need to do this, get this out of our system and move on. Or maybe this will open up a floodgate.

I’ve been craving kissing Him. To be intimate, close…at 2 something this morning, he sent me a video of him touching himself. I was so turned on because I’m freaky like that. These things only bother me if I’m not interested. I am BEYOND interested with him.

I told him I wanted to feel that. He sent a meme “You Should Be Here!” I wish I were there.

Told him how I wanted to come to Dallas next month but poor planning on my part made that not possible. He asked how much I needed. I declined, citing bad timing and daughter shenanigans. Which led to a conversation about her latest shenanigans. I apologized because it was too early for drama. He told me not to apologize.

We had been talking on and off from 3a to 8a.

He suggested we do a video sex call some time soon. Wouldn’t be my first time. Last person I was seeing, this was a common occurrence since it was long distance. Just not sure of my time.

Why am I considering this at all? Why am I still craving him, his presence, his anything? I’m only going to feel guilty about it, but in the moment, it’s what I desire. He is what I desire. ::heavy sigh::

Later on, I sent the Expedia results for the trip and where I wanted to stay “for future Dallas shenanigans.” He liked it.

All of this. I’m struggling. I’m struggling.
Is it love? Lust? A fine line in between? Do I stop it before we start, resuming my push away, pull him back in?

I heart spilled to him. I don’t know if this escalation is because he reciprocates or he’s exploiting my feelings to feed his greedy desires. I don’t know. It could be all of these.

I’m so confused…