Nowhere Else to Put This in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

I’ve nowhere else to put this so I’ll just put this here… consider it vague-booking.

I honestly wish I had someone that I could talk to, in person, and really sort through some things. It is one of the reasons, I think, that I was so dissatisfied in my marriage, actually. One of many reasons. Because being able to talk to my Wife about desires, hopes, dreams, wants, and needs… that just seems… like a no duh. Like an obvious thing a man should be able to talk about with his wife. And, as it is just talking, perhaps engage in a dialogue or a discussion. But for us, at best, it would result in a fight. So yeah. No. I know I can “talk about it” here or “talk about it online” but… no. I guess this is part of mourning the IDEA and the EXPECTATION. With Wife and I still trying at the marriage thing… there was the hypothetical hope that someday we’d be in a mature, adult, mutually caring relationship where I could express my desires and hopes and dreams and wants and needs… and that those might matter to her. But where we are now.... that hypothetical hope is gone. Replaced with the knowledge that… it wasn’t there, and now it won’t be. And I’d really like it to be there.

And before you say what my own mind has suggested.... call Jane to talk and hang out… or call Victoria to talk and hang out… that’s not going to work. As much as I know Jane and I are friends… she lives a distance, is a working mom and mother, and has too much on her plate right now. And Victoria? Even if she weren’t a working mom, trying to balance work, raising two children, being a wife, and actively dating another man… she’s got some VERY significant family issues going on. And I’m not going to be the emotionally ignorant jack ass who says, “Yeah yeah yeah. You’re literally watching your mom die in front of you. Can we talk about me now?”

So that’s where I am. I’d love to sit and have an honest, in person, face to face discussion with a woman to discuss (just discuss) my desires, hopes, dreams, wants, and needs.

Sorry to drone like this. I really appreciated the notes in my last entry and will respond to them tomorrow. Thanks all!