Existential Mess of an Entry in Current Events

Am I ready to change? Like, am I actually ready to change? On some level, I don’t think I am. I don’t think I have actually opened myself up to change. I’m not ready to let go of behaviours & habits, thoughts & beliefs etc that do not serve me. Why? Because at the end of all of it is a reward. Do I want to let go of lust, grandiose, sloth, highs etc? I can’t bring myself to do anything that will advance me to the next stages of my life because in order to do that I will have to let go of being lazy, sleeping in, getting drunk and self-pity and whatever else. When we get hungry, lonely, tired etc we start to reach for old behaviours that are self-soothing and self-comfort and I am at a stage in my life where I am trying to identify when these things are no longer serving me. The part of change that I can control is my willingness and readiness to change and I am not there. My porn addiction, for example, do I really want to let go of lust and objectifying those men? I have to become ready to let go of that behaviour. I don’t know how to “get ready” quite yet because clearly, I am failing miserably at quitting that.

I can’t seem to let go of the pain of getting fired. That was nine months ago! I am starting to understand that it is the resentments in my life that shape my character and experiences as I go through life. Russel Brand has a little exercise that I am going to attempt right now. I need to dissect that resentment. This exercise calls for a complete inventory of resentments throughout my life. Big and small. I’ll just tackle this one because it’s been pretty dense. I’ve been hurting for nine months now and I’ve been acting out in not so productive ways. Alright! Here goes.

What do I resent? Previous place of employment.
The reason for resentment? Terminating me.
Are the following areas of my life affected?
Pride (what others think of me): I was not valuable and I was discarded. People in my life might be asking why I can’t seem to try harder to find new work.
Self-esteem (what I think of me): I feel unworthy. Not good enough. I feel embarrassed and ashamed. I started to over-exercise to make my appearance better to feel more worthy.
Personal relations (the script I give others, what I expect them to say or do.): I thought that my friends and family would have come to the rescue to help me through this. I did not get much support. I thought my employers were going to promote me for doing an amazing job.
Sexual relations (as above but with sex): my libidinous activity is not with partners. I act out watching porn and objectifying other men. It is a waste of sexual energy and I suppose that I have too much time on my hands now and I go to this activity when I am bored, tired etc. My self worth is affected so I don’t seek out partners. I don’t know if this affected my sex life as I didn’t have one.
Ambitions (my vision for how I see the world: I had a plan and that job was part of it. I thought that I was going to be a hero when I reported the predatory behaviour but the company protected him and fired me. Then fired everybody involved. That affected how I see the world and makes me uncomfortable about starting a new job because what if their climate is also predatory and toxic? Do I try and fix it and risk everything or just let it happen?
Security (what I need to be okay): I need a roof over my head, gas in my car and food in the cupboard. I needed steady income and that was deeply compromised
Finances (did it affect my finances): I lost my income.
So yes, this affected all of these areas in my life. Not so much the sexual relations but this would not be a moderate resentment but a huge heavy one. Actually, it did affect the sexual relations in my life because I do act out by watching pornography at the end of the day. Yeah, I do not want to go through life feeling negative things. Friction is a part of feeling alive, I get that but I just want to be evolved enough to not dwell in personal and psychological circumstances that are constructs.

Where am I making a mistake? What mistake am I making right now? Am I being selfish? Dishonest and self-seeking? What is my fear? The mistake I made was that I thought that I had more job security in my position at work. I thought that I would be protected bringing forward claims of sexual harassment. After I lost my job I slipped into my habit of avoiding. I had severance and savings and retirement money in my bank and I let those funds go to waste while I pretended that this situation was not happening to me. I went out and bought meaningless purchases just to feel normal. I gambled and I drank my money in the beginning. I lied to everybody IRL and put on a production to convince them all that I was okay. I complained about my situation a lot on PB to get validation and attention. I faked control by diving into self-help to gain enough motivation to want to change but I always told myself that I would do it tomorrow. That kind of procrastination continues. The underlying fear that I am not addressing might be that I need the external world to validate me and treat me like I am important because I have an inner deficiency of self-esteem… maybe? I only say that because that is basically most people in a nutshell. I don’t have self-worth and I don’t feel like I am good enough. I don’t know how to start a new job. etc. Putting myself out there makes me feel vulnerable. I’m being selfish maybe because I am not considering how my behaviours here affect others. I don’t communicate with them and I don’t tell them the truth. I’m only thinking about myself. Did I harm anyone? Possibly. My social anxiety has affected other people in many ways. I’ve ghosted people who are not living up to my expectations of what I expect them to be. I’ve borrowed money and then continued to not try hard enough to find work. My anxiety and depression affects my roommates. I’m slothful and not pulling my weight. I might have to admit that I might be expecting people to take care of me? To some extent.

What can I control? I can change the context of it all. I don’t have to be somebody who is built on resentments and judgements and regrets. I can become somebody with agency over their life. Somebody that can give forgiveness to himself and to others. I can give to others instead of just taking.

I think that my becoming “spiritual” is important. The unseen, the invisible, the world of emotion, the psyche, the feelings and everything happening in me is more important than the material world. I have been ruled by my ego. Where is the stuff and people and place in my life that I need to be okay? Why is it not here?! I’m living my life feeling unfulfilled by always needing and wanting the next things. I need to accept that everything is connected and I’m more than just the individual.

This entry is one big existential mess! As usual. I’m just forcing myself to audit myself. This time last year I started to see a therapist. I mentioned how I was the best version of myself but it wasn’t good enough. I am aware of how I always have a plan to advance myself in life but then I always sabotage myself to not follow through. I’ll take on other people’s problems or spin a situation into something that is holding me back. Fall into my habits and addictions to self-sooth. I want to be more than that. I want to have real control of my life. I’ve come a long way and this messy entry had a lot of ah ha moments. I really do put rewards at the end of everything. Bad day? Get drunk! Bad finances? Gamble! Bad mood? Pornography! Then I play the victim for my choices. I did quit drinking and gambling and binge eating etc I just… I dunno. I just see where everything ties in now. The role it all played in my life. The role I am playing in my life. I can change the narrative, I know I can. I’m metacognitive enough to figure it out. This is a process, a destructive process but I need to get myself to be willing to change. My ego is putting up a big fight here. I need to become willing to change and I need to let go of my resentments, judgements, expectations and regrets etc.