A Faint Whisper in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

A Faint Whisper

These are the moments where I wish for a more peaceful soul. A more restful mind. A more steady heart. The moments of waiting with nothing to fill the space. I have an hour before my next hearing. It is the perfect amount of time to hang in the air. There is not sufficient time to return to my office, review voice mail, return phone calls, and then return to court. There is nothing needed to prepare for the two hearings yet to commence. I am merely to wait here until I may be able to do my job again.

And that is an unfortunate place for me. It puts me back in touch with my anxiety. And what an anxiety it is! I don’t like giant crowds cluttered together; it drives me mad. But I don’t like empty rooms that haven’t seen another person in many days. In the silent moments, I want another person to speak with. But I am not a great conversationalist most times and in most conversations, simply feel self-conscious. This, I would wager, is the anxiety built up by my past interactions. When you figure life between Martha and I these last many years. Alone, but never alone. Lonely, but with someone present. Having someone around who can fill the white noise, but not someone that cares enough to be more substantial. I suppose to learn to be healthy, my first step is to survive the quiet. To allow my spirit to settle in stillness and emptiness. And then add to it.

I should turn it into a zen exercise. Be in the empty room. Allow your spirit to fill the empty room. Then allow the empty room to fill your spirit. Be at peace and aware in a room of zero. Then when you have achieved that, be in the empty room. The room is empty no longer as you are within the room. Allow your spirit to register the meaning of your presence in the room. Allow your understanding of the room with life to mold a new understanding of the room. Only when you can truly be at peace with the empty room and the room with your presence will you be ready to add someone new.

Until then… keep practicing. Keep living a healthy life and saying yes. Keep trying to discern what is your emotional core. Keep your priorities in the right order, listen well, and take charge of your life.