I hate this. in The day to day

I didn’t know I could be so sad and angry all at once. The thing that is making me sad is also making me angry. How could this relationship for over 17 years now been such a truth for me and such a lie for him? When exactly did he stop loving me? Or did he ever love me?

I feel like I am grieving something he doesn’t really give a shit about at all. And he’s apparently felt this way for a long time. The charade of pretending like everything was fine and normal is the part I can’t understand. Why let it go on for so long? Through three kids, one who we lost, two houses, two floods....just why? He could have checked out long before now.

It hurts that it was just a convenience for him to stay rather than go. Now that his career has built up and he’s in a good place financially. He can just go. And I am stuck. Here. Alone. With no companionship. Just me and my kids. And all the memories.

I don’t know how we are going to survive. And I don’t mean emotionally, because if I can get through the loss of my daughter I can get through anything. I mean financially. I don’t know what the best option is. Do we stay married but separate? Or do we make it legal and get divorced?

He’s coming home tomorrow for us to discuss everything. He’s planning on moving into an apartment after we get our taxes back. Or before, for all I know. We are going to sit down and write everything out and sign it. I know he’s planning on paying the mortgage so me and the kids can stay in the house. The amount I gave him every month for the mortgage should help cover the electric, garbage and water bill here. I just don’t know about groceries etc.

He said not to worry about asking him if things are tight one month here and there. He’s going to need enough to live and provide for the kids when they are with him. I don’t know if him paying the mortgage is equivalent to what child support would be or not.

I guess the best I can do right now is ride it out for a month or two and see how it goes. If I can afford everything with the way it stands after he leaves then that’s all I need. If I can’t then divorce will have to be the way it goes. At least then I could apply for food stamps and get health insurance for myself. I am assuming he would have to keep the kids on his insurance. I guess that’s something we would have to figure out in court if it goes that way.

This isn’t going to be easy. I am doing my best to be civil and will continue to do so for the sake of my kids. But it’s really hard to look a liar in the face and not be angry. Especially when after everything, I have asked him to just be honest with me so it would make dealing with it easier. Knowing how inconsiderate he has been of me, my feelings, and our relationship has actually helped me come to terms with where things are.

There’s still a part of me that loves him and wishes things would work out. But I know it’s not something he wants. Or is even actively trying to do. I just need to let it go.

I need to change his ringtone on my phone. I currently have it as Lucky by Jason Mraz. It hurts everytime I hear it. Not that he has called me much this past week. He only has to talk to the kids. Thinking about changing it to the Imperial March from Empire Strikes Back.

I am telling my parents tonight what has been going on. I really don’t know how this is going to go. I expect they are going to be really angry on my behalf. I don’t suppose I will tell them all the extent of what he has done. My best friend knows and is in my corner and that’s enough. I don’t need my family to hate him too. He is the father of my kids so he will be forever linked to us. No point in soiling their thoughts of him.

I don’t know if that’s incredibly mature of me or just plain stupid. I guess we will find out.

This entry is long enough so I will end it here. It does help getting this out. Feels like it did when I blogged during our daughter’s treatments and loss. I am sure I will have a lot more to say in the coming days. Anyone have advice on how you dealt with becoming a newly single parent please let me know.