U48 in Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020

So what I predicted is pretty much exactly what has happened. I have been using dating apps for two months and have had ZERO responses from anyone. Martha has been on dating apps for five days and has already received one dick pick and is actively chatting with five men. It is what I expected and plays, negatively, into exactly what caused me so much hesitation about all of this in the first place. You remember that my concern was that “you deserve better” in no way translates to “you will ever have better?” Well, you were all right. The therapists were right. Even Martha agrees that I deserve better than what was going on in our marriage. But kindness, thoughtfulness, and whatever else I seem to have to offer… apparently doesn’t come through in a dating app. All that matters is “how attractive your selfies are” and as expected… I’m a slobbering wild boar. More evidence that this world is very strongly NOT built on “what people deserve” but “what people have the best advantages at birth.”

In other news… I’m not sure if I am going to need to learn to be more spontaneous or if I need to find friends who are less spontaneous.

You see, today and tomorrow are planned out for me. I may not follow that plan exactly but as an attorney, I need to have some kind of structure to my schedule in order to make sure things get done. I have a lot I need to do today and tomorrow. However, at around noon, Victoria texted me. She told me about a big board game thing happening in the next county over.

Here’s the thing, though.
(1) It wasn’t necessarily worded as an invitation, exactly. It was “Hey, there’s this thing happening. It is usually pretty cool. Thought you’d be interested.” So… not exactly a “Hey, do you want to go to this thing?” or even a “Do you want to come with me to this thing?”
(2) I am not at a point, emotionally, right now where I can just go to something where I don’t know a single person there. I do honestly hope to get there. That would be super important for me. But right now, with how I’m feeling, this isn’t that moment. Maybe when I’m not feeling emotionally drained or maybe when I’m not walking into a super stressful week at work… then that is the moment. But right now? Just… it felt like setting myself up for failure.
(3) My weekend is already strictly planned this weekend due to everything going on so I couldn’t go… but did ask for a rain check.
(4) Something else I expect I’ll have to learn or grow into?? Spontaneity. Where I grew up and how I’ve lived my life… even something as small as “come over for pizza” had a day or two of notice. And Victoria is… a lot more spontaneous. Like… she’ll text people at 4:00 to see if they want to come over for dinner that night. She’ll call someone up and say, “Hey, do you want to come over?” Now… there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. At all. But it is so… very different… to what I’m used to. It is one of those things where half of my mind says, “Say yes to everything. Learn to be spontaneous. Go with the flow. Take advantage of opportunities as they arise.” BUT the other half of my brain says, “Don’t compromise your schedule for other people. Spontaneous is good, but don’t sacrifice anymore for others or the opportunity of others. Stay strong in your own way. If people want you around, they’ll invite you to things later as well.”

So… that is something I’m going to need to be aware of and work on. Trying to figure out the balance between “drop everything to spend time with another person” and “stick to your own schedule.” Because… that is a big problem in the balancing act of “Self, Selfless, and Selfish.” Because… yeah, I want to spend time with other people. But I have my own shit that I want to do and get done. But I genuinely do worry that if I say no to people or turn people away; I am closing myself off from an important opportunity or that by saying no, I won’t get another chance with that individual. Oi. Navigating the social world without defaulting to “Everyone else matters more than I do” is… tougher than expected.

This… honestly makes me want to cry a little.

So… today? Worked a little, walked the dog for 90 minutes, cooked dinner, prepared tomorrow’s slow cooker recipe, cleaned the house a bit. What did Martha do? Wrote down what was discussed at Nala’s vet appointment; cleaned off the dining room table; worked out a little; and spent 4 hours talking to boys from Tinder on messenger.

How’s that for a stake in the heart!?

8 years of a marriage where I was, at best, an inconvenience… I finally muster the fortitude to call it off in some way (separation)… I spend two months on dating apps feeling more and more like it was a bad idea… because Better to be ignored by your wife than be ignored by the hundreds of women on Dating Apps! And now… yeah. I work. I provide income. I do a job that is a public service. I work my ass off for the betterment of my community. I am a man with a fair to decent IQ and EQ. I own my own house. I have ZERO debt. Yet somehow… I’m not a catch. I’m not even desirable. Meanwhile, my wife spends her evenings chatting away with guys from Tinder. This… I mean… I was miserable before. Living a life where nothing I do is enough for my wife was DIFFICULT. Living a life where I waited for my wife sexually and was denied almost always was DIFFICULT. But gosh darnit if my life isn’t a wonderful, near perfect simulation in always finding out that there is more “miserable” in the world every day.