Full Circle. *the long emotional one* in 2014

Surprise surprise.

Things are back to the way they are. Only took what? A couple of weeks? However, when he was actually trying, things were so great! I wish he could just be that person. But I can't sit here and hope for him to be someone hes not. So I need to make the choice, do I just deal with it? Do I suck it up and take him how he is, or do I move on in hopes to find that someone who can be the person I need.

Does that person even exist?

Sometimes I get so upset that I can't even imagine spending another minute of my life with this man... I get so angry and wonder why I've stayed this long. I get mad that I had kids with him and that now we will constantly be a part of each others lives whether we want it or not.

But then sometimes I can't imagine my life without him. Sometimes I can't breathe when I think of being single and no having him around daily. But, thats because we've been together for 13 years. Hes all I've known since I was 14 years old. Hes been around like my family has, so it would be like losing a family member.

But is this what I want? Do I want to feel small and like I can never do enough? Like I'm not good enough because I don't have a permanent job? I own my own successful business... Does that not mean anything? I honestly feel like no matter what, we will keep coming back to this same thing.

He doesn't help enough with the kids. This has always been an issue. It all started when we bought this house. We bought it and we had to renovate it, so we had to move into my moms house. It was just me and Miley, she was young... Like 4 months old. He would work his shift then come straight here after to renovate. I guess even though he needed to do this, I still resented him for not being around to help me with Miley.

After that, when we moved in, he would sleep his days away. I would always be the one who would get up with Miley and he would sleep until like 20 mins before he left for work, and he would always leave for work early, when he worked around the corner. That was frustrating. I got mad at that and he stopped doing that. I wish I knew how to read my old entries that Tom saved for me, I'd like to go back and check them out.

Why did I have another child with him? I got pregnant, almost lost the baby, and he detached himself from both of us. I know it was out of fear, but it seems that when I really need him, hes not there for me. Even if its something as simple as getting sick and needing extra help around the house with housework or kids, hes never stepped up to the plate.

I was alone all the way through my pregnancy with Evelyn, and I even slept alone. I had to deal with the fact that I bled every day, alone. I was terrified but had no one to talk to or cuddle with or confide in...he wound't even talk to me... I don't even think he touched my belly at all.

I hold a lot of resentment towards Chris. Especially lately. He can't even handle the kids. I would love to divorce him, but I know he can't even handle the kids alone lol Plus last time I broke up with him, he cried for days. I wish I was a stronger person. I wish HE was a stronger person.

I know we would be better parents, if we weren't together.

Kristen :(