[Badass Dash 7k] in 2013-2014

The roughest, most masochistic element of these is waking up early on Saturday morning and making myself eat a full breakfast. I don't like eating breakfast to begin with. My stomach's not awake yet. I end up eating slowly and using the entire hour-long drive to the venue to figure out how to digest through all the butterflies. Uughh.

I got there without any problems, except for the part where I walked out the door and realized that I didn't have my contacts. So I had to run back upstairs, because sweet baby cupcakes, don't do these things with glasses. The drive was simple and I listened to pick-me-up music. I got there a little after my technical wave time, but this race didn't really adhere to that, so I got to put it off about 30 minutes to warm up and let the air warm up a bit more. I started out with a 3/4-sleeve shirt under my t-shirt, but somewhere between miles one and two I took the bottom layer off and tied it around my waist. The leggings and workout capris saved my knees, because there was SO much crawling. They didn't overheat or bog me down at all. Yay, non-cotton!

The first obstacle was 10 push ups. Fine. The second was balance beams. Most of them were honestly pretty simple and I blew through them with zero time lost, like weaving between poles. There was a LOT of crawling. I passed a couple in the first crawling pit, sand with a cargo net overhead, and I hauled straight through since I've the hang of that. She kept getting her hair caught. I ended up finishing about 30 minutes ahead of them, I think. They were still on the third to last obstacle when I had cooled down, changed, and was walking out of the park. I had to climb two chainlink fences, there were the standard under and overs, and there was one amusing one where I got hit with dodgeballs.

Just as I was getting into stride, my cold feet pulled a Raynaud's (or something) and two toes went numb, so I ended up walking a lot at the beginning, right where I would have liked to run. The river crossing was COLD and my feet lost all warmth as I slogged through it (ankle to waist deep).

The tunnels were much smaller than I've ever done. No crawling. I scooted on my back and dug my fingers into the crevices between pipes to pull myself. I kept running over my hair. That was definitely a little rougher. Another fence, and then TRAIL. GLORIOUS, GLORIOUS TRAIL. I went along a deer path through reeds and passed a small waterfall. To ford that creek, I had to climb over some logs and then go up a fairly traction-less ramp-bridge. The woman ahead of me needed to be pulled up by her husband. I took a running start and had to grab the top for balance, but hauled up just fine.

We winded along the river, up and down things, jumping over fallen trees and picking through eroded clay banks. There was another spiderweb obstacle, and a lot of people jogged it, but I was not one of them. I could have, but it was just so nice that I wanted to soak it in and enjoy it, to watch the river and be precise with my footing. Every time the route was a trail, I ended up walking, just out of sheer pleasure with my surroundings. This was between miles one and two, and it was DEFINITELY the roughest in terms of stamina.

After the trail was an Australian net climb, or something. A giant hill with a tarp laid over, and a cargo net about a foot and a half off the ground. Lie on your back and climb. That was rough. Shortly after that was the pavilion with 36 picnic benches to go up and over, and my quads were screaming by 20. A flight of stairs led back to the road, and I just had to walk that off. Ouch.

Then came hurdles, too high for me to jump. Meh. There was a low-grade hill, where a guy gave me a wonderful pep talk, and then down the side of the road. That was very steep, full of pine straw bales and boulders and trees to grab onto, and took some strategizing. Lots of fun.

Concrete, concrete, winding through a few parking lots. Climbing stacks of pallets, parking lot, climbing a standard fence wall, parking lots, CLIMBING TO THE TOP OF A SEMI-TRUCK VIA CARGO NET. I stood and relished that moment, too, because I was on top of a semi-truck and not about to get arrested. Parking lot, hay bales. Those were funny. Most people took running starts to bounce up and over, but the bales had been beaten by previous waves and weren't very solid anymore, so just about everyone fell down. I fell on the way down, feet first. The guy next to me tumbled head over heels.

Then came the wall that I had dreaded, the one with the perpendicular walk-up-with-a-rope. I was already getting tired having just done three climbs in a row, and my arms weren't quite having it. I might have made it on my own eventually, but a volunteer was probably afraid of me falling back-first seven feet and breaking my neck, so he gave me a boost to the top. I hauled over the top and another volunteer steadied my descent. Good guys.

More hilly trail run (walk), jump down three short walls, another climb through mud under a net. I tucked my hair down and wandered through the mud pit, because I can't keep a straight line. That was really the only mud. Somewhere in here was mile 3.

There was another stretch of roadside, softly downhill on grass, and I jogged that happily because it was absolutely the nicest jogging stretch on the course. That led to standard tires, and then some cut backs under the road to the absolute worst obstacle. I hated this thing. It was a giant inflatable that LOOKED fun, but was a LIE. The walls in the middle were soft, with nothing to grab, and my height. Sure, I could bounce, but even with my upper body over the top, I slid back down. The wall would collapse under my lower body and gravity took over every single time. I needed a knee up. I wanted to just take the penalty (20 sit ups) and MOVE THE FUCK ON, but they wouldn't let me. UGH. I must have wasted five minutes there until one of them deigned to give me a knee up. Fortunately, another team came up and they ALL struggled with it. Everyone under 5'9", including the buff guys, flailed and failed. We all took turns giving knees up and I was SO GLAD TO GET PAST THAT SON OF A BITCH.

I faked the pull ups at the next obstacle. I bounced off the bottom bar of the monkey bars they were using and quickly ran away. Because LOL I've never done a pull up in my life and I was through wasting time.

The actual monkey bars were delightful. The team ahead of me had no childhood, apparently--the women fell down and the men hung deadweight down, moaning and groaning and carrying on. The bars were widely spaced, yes, but PEOPLE. MONKEY. BARS. You swing like a monkey! I blew through that one pretty fast, but by the end my hands were about ready to cramp up.

Somewhere in there, I hit that glorious, euphoric running stride where the runners' high takes over, you're fully warmed up and breathing well, and it's harder to stop than it is to keep going. Wonderful.

The rest of the course was concrete. The last three obstacles were all in a row. The human car wash was THE WORST. I hated the inflatable but I hated the car wash on a new level. It was a spider web made of bungee cords again, but each pole jetted ICE COLD WATER. Take-your-breath-away, freeze-your-muscles, high-pressure misery. I HAD to run away from that one just to warm up again! There was another big inflatable slide, with a cargo net up and a nearly vertical slide down. I was kind of impressed that I just hitched my leg up on the waist-high cargo net and started climbing. My hips have gotten so much better at that. Since I was soaked, I shot down that slide like a bullet and slammed into the inflated barrier at the end. The final obstacle was a pile of boulders to climb over, which was just fun, and then an easy 10 meter jog to the finish line. It was a bit anti-climactic.

I think my time was 1:45:change, or something. They're being quite slow at posting times. I got my bag back, changed out of my wet shirt to my free new shirt, unsuccessfully called Aaron, picked up orange/banana/granola bar/water at the refreshment station, chatted with a German Shepherd owner (they had a canine division!) and moseyed out. I walked barefoot on warm concrete and it felt amazing. I changed more in the parking lot, organized my stuff, took a few pictures, and headed home with the sunroof down and the sun warm in my hair. Aaron called me as I started to develop a salt headache, so I stopped for fully justified french fries.

At home a friend from out of town wanted to meet me for a stuff exchange, so I had to go straight back out. I said, "I'm coming. DO NOT LEAVE THE YOGURT PLACE." He was not at the Yogurt place. I sent inquiries and finally said, "I feel like crap and need a shower. I'm going home and will mail your stuff." Ten minutes later, he replied that they were in the parking deck a few blocks away. Fail. While driving, I found an angry biting bug in my hair, probably dying. I threw him out the window.

I had the lunch of recovering champions, a PBJ, garlic cheese toast, Coke, and Tylenol. Then came a long shower, whereupon I discovered a bunch of random abrasions that I can't explain and bruises on my knees from where I banged into a wall while climbing. And then I collapsed into bed and was too tired to move for about 3 delicious hours and my headache disappeared.

After I woke up from my nap, I got a phone call from Aaron.

"Hey, do you want to go wall-climbing when you're down next weekend?"
"Um, if my arms recover."
"Oh, and I'm buying you underwear."
"Thanks!"

Since then I have done laundry and dishes and eaten dinner. My arms and torso are fatigued and sleepy. I'm watching my bruises purple. Overall, I feel really good, and I'm delighted that I breezed through a 7k. I probably had enough in the tank for a full 10k, although I would have been dragging by the end of it. My body was still in workout mode, devoting all effort to arms and legs, so I wasn't even hungry at the end. No giant cheeseburger. My stomach had no idea what to do with the PBJ, even. I'll probably binge on that tomorrow after I'm done bouncing back. I'm looking forward to that after church.

Next run: April 26, Muddy Duck Dash 5K. It is actually a mud run (although half as many obstacles). Welp. The muddy water from the river crossing has washed out of my shoes. We shall see if my washing machine can handle the next one. (Even if I had to wipe the plant matter out of it.)

EDIT: Final time was 1:36:02. My last (universally slow) 5k with 15 obstacles was 1:15:xx. Not too shabby, and better than I thought. I felt like the slowest person in the park!