New Year already in tears pt. 1 in Torridaussity Two

So this entry will be part one of a summation of 2019 and obviously the beginning of chapter 40 in my book of life. This will be very long sorry, kinda letting everything out, but will do it in parts at least.
Dating Life
2018 into 2019 began with me being stood up and ghosted 3 hours before my new years eve date was to happen. Obviously not a great end/start. I spent the evening with my friends and although that helped it was still a hard blow to me. Throughout this year I attempted dating and found the worst men possible, was stood up/ghosted more times then I care to count. I thought things had changed. at the end of July into August I was talking to a guy and although I was pretty sure I was not interested I did agree to a date because you can’t fully know a person until you meet in person. I went on said date and was completely right in my feeling that he just wasn’t for me. That night my bestie convinced me to go out with her and while we were out guy who I shall refer to as O messaged me and we chatted online throughout the night. He was polite, interested in my life, not a pervert, and seemed like a good guy. He had to go to bed for work, but we agreed to talk the next day and we did. I really liked him. I was going away on vacation. a long drive he asked if our first call could be him to call and tell me to have a safe trip. Later that night when he checked in on my drive and I said I was getting tired, he called me and talked to me for 2 hours till I reached my hotel safely. He did that on my return trip home as well only it was 5 hours. Our original first date was to be the Sunday I got back from my trip. I was getting home late Saturday night. He asked if on my way driving past his home if I would be willing to meet then as he didn’t want to wait. I agreed and tried to make myself presentable at a rest stop after driving for 8 hours. We met at a local restaurant and he had flowers in my favorite color for me. We ate and he walked me back to my car we chatted a bit and he kissed me and well we made out standing in the parking lot lol. I was smitten, but also terrified because I knew my heart was gonna fall for this guy and it was only our first date. I had a panic attack in my car on the rest of my hour drive home that he was going to change his mind about our next date the next date. He did not and we saw each other for a short month and I completely totally fell for him in that month. On our last date things moved faster than I wanted and I stopped things before they went any further and I explained I didn’t/wasn’t ready to sleep with him unless we were exclusive. He was fine with that, but things changed and he pulled away and essentially tried to ghost me. I confronted him and he admitted to it that he didn’t know what he wanted and didn’t want me to wait for him. I said I understood and that I wouldn’t bother him anymore and wished him well because I truly did want the best for him I had come to care for him deeply. He wished me well and that was it. I tried moving on and unfortunately just met with the same kind of disappointments being ghosted or stood up so I made the choice that I clearly needed a break from dating. I started deleting all my accounts on any type of dating app and I was feeling good about that choice. I also finally deleted the pictures I had of O off my phone. then Friday December 6th as I was headed to the mall to do some shopping my text went off to the sound of his tone. I use google voice when dating and it has a different tone then my regular texts. It could have been someone else I just knew it wasn’t someone I had been talking to and it was him, he asked me how I was and I said fine, but surprised to hear from him and he professed that he missed me and wanted to talk to me again. I agreed. He had said he hadn’t known what he wanted before and didn’t want to make me wait till he figured things out. I assumed and we all know what happens when we do that right, that he knew he wanted me in his life. We had a “date” at his place a week later and I thought it went so well. It was almost as if we hadn’t been separated for 3 months. He kissed me and held my face so gently and it took my breath away. It was different than before, but then he started to act strangely again.
I know he has anxiety and it is pretty bad and he had felt pressured by me when I brought up the exclusive thing so I decided to just let things go. He has chosen to keep messaging me when I don’t message him. He has chosen to make comments about the future, but as if I am not part of them or that I am. I have unfortunately become an emotional mess because I of course having only really started to get over him fell for him again. But as I sat here alone at midnight because he either had plans or just wasn’t up to seeing me at all not even for dinner. He said both things to me so I really don’t know which it was. I question myself is he worth this confusion, this pain, this heartache. Does he really want me as more than a friend or did he just miss that and when I assumed he wanted me I assumed incorrectly. I want to ask all these questions in person, but can’t make him see me. So I had gotten him a Christmas present because on that second first date he had gotten me a sloth which I love. The presents sit here wrapped and I have a choice to make mail it to him with a letter expressing all that is in my head without even trying to get him to see me. Or risk feeling like a fool when he turns me down which is what happened last time. I just know I can’t go on much longer living in this limbo land it is too hard on me. I did go to be with friends for a bit last night the same ones who saved me from being alone last new years. So that is my update on my love life or lack there of. I truly care for him and can see us being good together, but as in any relationship it can’t be one sided and I can’t let him be selfish if all he wants is me when it is convenient for him or he is lonely. I deserve better than that.
See part 2 for update on my family.