Five of Six in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

Dec. 31, 2019, 11:54 a.m.
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Today my depression and inner short comings won. Everyone I try to help at work? They were outweighed. I get attacked by the government I represent. I get attacked by the Defendants who refuse to be held accountable for their actions. I get attacked by the Defense Counsel who is paid better if they can make me question myself. I get attacked by the Victims who are shrieking-ly demanding that I go to hell whilst fucking myself because HOW DARE I prosecute the father of their children (who threatened to kill them). So… at work, I’m attacked from all sides. Then I come home. To an empty house. Because the woman who was in a relationship with me for 14 years was dismissed… she didn’t love me, at least not in a way that made me in anyway a priority.

So the question that loops in my head? The thing that is making me question myself more than anything right now??

Am I a good person? Because… I don’t feel it. Any more I just.... feel like an NPC waiting for the eventual patch that removes me from the game entirely.

Pretend Mulling ⋅ December 31, 2019

You’re not a bad person, not by a long shot. You’re at the beginning of a divorce and walking away from an abusive relationship; you’re bound to have a lot of mixed-to-negative emotions about it. And, unfortunately, you work a thankless job, which compounds things.

All I can really say is, ignore the voice in your head that tries to make you believe you’re a bad person. Bad people don’t worry about if they are, because they don’t care.