Today's Date, pt. 2 in meh...

On my way to church Christmas morning, I had a real moment with myself that started with my first love/lover at 14, Harry.

Our relationship was mostly over the phone. We saw each other in person every so often, but we stayed on the phone with each other. We were together for 6 months before I knew I was ready. We had never really talked about sex, but maybe the month before the sex talk kind of started and ramped up a bit.

He was home to me. I often say if we were adults and I had more sense, we would have been married. It was such an adult like relationship so young, but we worked and it laid a foundation because we knew each other. I made rules like I would never have sex with anyone else unless we’ve know each other for 6 months and it felt right.

If course time goes forward, life changes you and you adjust rules accordingly. So when I met Him, it was like home again. I realize now that I had been chasing home. I spent most of the time trying to fit guys into this Harry shaped mold.

So as I was driving getting closer to church, tears left my eyes. I don’t know what this is for him, but to me it’s more than just his hands on my body or us sleeping together. It’s the intimate moments when we know each other. The inside jokes, the commonalities we share. I can honestly say I love Him, even though the timing is awful. He doesn’t fit the mold, but he created a whole knew one that no one else can fit into and now I’m so lost.

I’ve always known how I felt, but when I realized this…that’s probably why I’m in the bed.

I need the rest and I need to pray.

This isn’t right but I don’t want anyone else in this moment.

::eyes water/end scene::