ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS in Questionnaires a.o.

When was the last time you ate out for lunch?

Months ago, probably TGIF whenever the whole household went off somewhere for something. Probably when something in the house broke and we had to go across town to the big box fix’m’up store. Probably when we replaced all of the gutters, actually.

What color was the last swimsuit you wore?

Balls if I know, I haven’t been swimming in about twelve years. It’d have been bright and obnoxious though to draw the eyes away from my personality.

Is your dream job attainable?

Logic Side: No shit, it wouldn’t exist if someone else didn’t have it already. Depression: Nothing is attainable because I’m an unstable mental shitshow kept sane by hormones and pills.

Have you ever been to an auto show?

No. Some rich folk had their Tesla cars on display at Ecofest, though. They were pretty sick.

Have you ever wondered how flies get away from being swatted so quickly?

Time is relative, there’s actually a part of our brain (a gland I think) that begins to atrophy not long after childhood. The chemical it secretes and controls has to do with how we perceive time. That is why, when your parentals said “we’ll go to the park in thirty minutes” when you were a tot, that thirty minutes felt like it dragged by and now we’re lucky if we don’t blink and thirty minutes is gone. A guy got a tumor or something that impacted it once and he had to pull over on the side of the road because time started going “in fast forward” and his first thought was that his car started going faster than he was telling it to. Guy died from that, too. Anyway, preamble concluded, wouldn’t it be fascinating if flies were wired to perceive time much slower than we do? It would be convenient for their size and mechanics. So, to them, where we see our hands or swatters going a certain speed, they’d be able to see it and react with a similar timing and effort to us getting off the couch or reaching into the fridge for a soda.

Have you read a newspaper today?

No.

What was the last thing you cooked for dinner?

Well, I made wassail as part of Thanksgiving dinner. I had very long cinnamon sticks though and didn’t take that into account when the recipe called for sticks. I should have broken them in half. It was a damn spice bomb. I think only I really drank it.

Do you live in the city / town you were born in?

No, and wouldn’t.

Can you remember the last song you listened to?

Something my SO just played on his computer while answer a question on a different survey.

Do you have to go to school or work tomorrow?

Depends on what you mean by ‘have to.’

Have you consumed dairy today?

Yes.

Have you slept for longer than usual today?

Nope.

Is anybody else in the room you’re in?

My SO and our dog.

Have you ever been to a drive-in theatre?

No. I don’t even like sit-ins.

Have you ever smoked a cigarette?

No. Parent of the Century (my dad) let me try to when I was a kid, maybe seven or eight. I blew on it like a dumb shit and he laughed and took it away from me.

Have you consumed alcohol today? If so, what?

I can’t drink anymore. Alcohol had an extreme reaction with my pramipexole. I hope that night was the only time my SO ever hears me say (and mean literally) “I’m gonna shit the bed.”

What’s your go-to website when you’re really bored?

I don’t really get bored. Sometimes I do get a restless curiosity, though. I used to use StumbleUpon to send me to random websites based on my interest profile. There’s this website with a door that you click and it warps you into street view at a random interesting location and lets you walk around google-maps-street-view style, places like museums and landmarks and shit. I’ve seen some gorgeous places in Japan using it. It just took me midway up a walking trail in the grand canyon, lol. http://ww3.safestyle-windows.co.uk/the-secret-door/

I also sometimes get on the fakemon mixer and randomize hilarious pokemon. Like these gems:

Who was the main cook of your Thanksgiving meal last year?

Unfortunately my family.

Do you have a passport? If so, how many stamps do you have in it?

No. I’ll resist the urge to rant and shit on my entire life and call it garbage because I’ve never had the opportunity.

Have you ever been dumped really harshly?

No.

Have you ever taken classes for a musical instrument?

Was in band once. I told the teacher I could play the keyboard. She told me I needed to learn to play a real instrument. I’d still like to put this out on her corpse:

Have you ever been on vacation with someone other than your family?

No.

Do you live with your parents?

Yes.

Can you do a blackflip, or anything else of that sort?

No.

Do you have any ex’s you can’t stand anymore?

No.

What happened to cause you to feel that way about them?

Well fuck me and my answers I guess.

What would your parents do if you told them you were pregnant right now?

Probably have some questions for my SO, frankly.

Are you more of a phone or a computer person?

Computer.

How old do you think you’ll be when you move out on your own?

I lived with my SO for a handful of years, but if you mean completely alone, I haven’t.

Do you have a job? If so, where do you work? If not, do you want one?

Retail. It’s garbage. It’s wrecking my body and straining my sanity.

What was the last song you listened to?

Nevermind, don’t fuck me and my answers. That’s already been asked. Fuck you.

Are you one of those lucky people with 20/20 vision?

Yeah.

Do you share your birthday with a celebrity?

Well, it is my birthday.

I’ll escort myself out.

If I do, cool, we need more core aquarians. We’re one of the least common signs, at least in America.

Have you ever made a complete fool of yourself in public, on purpose?

Not on purpose. I’ve wanted to. I can’t loosen up enough to do it.

Is there a magazine you get monthly?

There’s a few I want. I wanted a Terrorizer sub, but they ghosted on their customers and stopped printing, even though the subscriptions were still active, so I guess I dodged a bullet. I had a subscription to Saga comic through Image before they discontinued the service, although that’s not a magazine. I do get a Catholic Gifts and More catalogue every few months because I ordered a real rosary as part of a costume. Cracks me up, I collect them now. I have catholic characters and it is the perfect inspiration for backdrop decor.

What is the last thing you read?

Other than this question, a cool article on the natural migration of the north pole towards Siberia.

Is fashion one of your interests?

No but it sets off compulsions. The colors, the patterns, the textures, the cut and button styles and shit. There are some things I cannot make myself put on with other things. It’s something I focus on but as an inconvenience and not a hobby, lmao.

Describe your current outfit:

A hoodie made out of a soft furry blanket (I feel in such a better mental place while I’m wearing it, it’s amazing) red and black plaid pajama pants, one thick boot sock and one sock with trees, pinecones, and mooses on it.

Are you currently pleased or annoyed with your hair?

It’s glorious but I can’t wear it down at work or I sweat to death. I wish I had a more masculine face or a thicker beard so I looked more metal than chickish, though. Ironically, growing my hair out made me get a lot more sirs than ma’ams. I almost NEVER hear ma’am anymore. Although there was a window of time after adding a trans flag enamel pin to my vest that people started addressing me as sir but then swapping it to ma’am when seeing the badge. It struck me so fucking funny. It’s like “Sir? [Oh shit… that badge… he’s… oh this poor person is trying to transition. She’s nailed it with that hair, but you’d think she’d have figured out the beard shaving part by now… oh well, not my business] Sorry, Ma’am?” Queue their nervous laughter.

Last updated December 21, 2019