Meditative in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

I am feeling a sense of anxiousness. Not anxiety, not as I usually feel anxiety, anyway. Just a sense that I’d like to fast forward through the next bits. The legal filings, the push for Martha to move, the legally required waiting period for an order from the court. And then I recognize the emotion. It is what I felt often in our marriage. Every time we were about to move and Martha would tell me that the next move would help us “get on track.” It never did. In fact, each move made everything worse each time. Because our marital problems were never about Martha hating Wal Mart and whatever town we lived in. I knew that but I kept hoping she would get it. But she refused to leave Wal Mart, refused to get proper counseling… pretty much consistently refused to do anything to help the marriage. But each time we moved; I held my breath and hoped that it would finally be whatever miracle combination would be required to shake her out of her apathy. It never was. No wonder this place was out make or break place. I have a good job here. We bought a house here. We planted roots here. And still, within a few months, Martha was talking about the next place we’d live. As though now, here, with the option to do quite literally anything she wanted to do; it still wasn’t good enough. So that is why this was make or break. Because either our marriage got better due to mutual hard work, love, and understanding… or it didn’t. No more running around the entire state of Iowa trying to find out what it would take to get Martha to caring about the marriage.

And we didn’t. We stayed here. It has been over 1 year in this spot. The longest we’ve stayed anywhere since Omaha. And the year was filled with celibacy, arguments, hurt feelings, and deep neglect. So, I finally did what I should have done 4 years ago. And we’re on the precipice of separation. All that remains is paper work and Martha finding an apartment and moving into it. And while I am aware of the negatives… the loneliness that may come of it… I just want to get to that point. I want to avoid any arguments or awkwardness if Martha doesn’t move out in the next 45 days. I want to know what kind of interior decorating fixes I need to implement.

This is that “fast forward” desire that came with every move. The desire to skip the in-between and get to a point where Martha would wake up and engage the marriage. Well, that never happened. No move fixed our problems and saved our marriage. So now, it is time for Martha to move. Not to fix our marriage but to let each other go… to move forward and explore the world as individuals. As scary as that seems? As upsetting as the reality may be? I want to get there. I want to tackle the problems that ARE in my purview. And part of me feels like I can’t really do that with her still in the house. Not that I anticipate bringing a woman home with me. The abysmal failure on dating apps and conversations with other men in Iowa on those apps has really convinced me that I may be S.O.L. there. But even if I can’t get any woman to give me the time of day in this state… there is still a lot of me work that I need to do.

Just one more time in my life where I find that waiting for an inevitability is aggravating. We are getting separated. She is moving out of the house. I don’t know what is on the other side of all of that. It worries me. It intrigues me. It carries with it the hope of a better tomorrow and the depression of dashed hopes. There may be nothing out there for me. It is a possibility. But the waiting. . The waiting without being able to do anything to help, cause change, work solutions… I’m not good at that.