Serenity in The Stuff That's Not Interesting But Is The Most Interesting Stuff I'll Write

I wrote an entire entry about an epiphany I had the other day but really, I don’t want to write about childhood trauma again. It’s so boring and repetitive. So I thought I’d go a different route and share some little facts about me.... these are just things that I’ve been aware of, but I haven’t really ever shared before because they never seemed like they were all that important, but now I’m starting to realize that it’s the details that distinguish us as individuals. Otherwise I’m just yet another gay guy who’s obsessed with Madonna.

My sleep behavior exists on two different levels. My roommate in Paris told me that he had never seen such an acrobatic sleeper, that I ran, twisted, turned and I even spoke in my sleep, in both English and French. He’s not the first person to make that observation, but he was the first one to use the word “acrobatic” to describe it. On the other hand, that is only when I’m sleeping alone. When I’m sleeping with someone and and they hold me, I lean into that abyss of comfort and sleep like a rock. I barely move except to hold tighter to the person that’s holding me. Sometimes that does go into the realm of light stroking (more than one partner has told me that I fondled them in my sleep). Edgar said I was like a boney pillow and he loved it. So either I’m trying out for American Ninja Warrior or I’m a piece of driftwood while I sleep.

If I am ever angry, crying hysterically or in any kind of highly agitated state, lightly stroking my balls will stop me and make me calm. Adam, the little Christian, was the first one to discover this, mostly because he and I would argue so much. Whenever he irritated me, he would immediately stick his hands down there and start tugging and massaging my balls, and I would be instantly serene. It works anywhere; Edgar did it in Whole Foods once.

I have discovered that I am sexually empathic, which is one reason why I’m terrible at hook ups. My emotions synchronize to whomever I’m having sex with and I feel everything that they feel during the experience. It’s the reason, I believe, that people say I’m so great in bed… I don’t have the biggest cock ever, I don’t do anything wild in bed, I’m NOT kinky at all (probably because in inflicting pain on others during sex, I feel pain), but because I am there with you in that moment and moving with you, it seems more real and spectacular. That’s why even my one-night stands end up being more than one night. Furthermore, it’s why I’ve always been more attracted to group sex situations because it lessens the intensity and exhaustion I feel after-the-fact.

I was thinking about all of these things because the other night my friend Alex was crying in my car until 4am talking about how he wanted to kill himself and I had almost no emotional reaction to that statement. Alex and I have hooked up twice, and each time was sweet and full of yearning. But his drunk dramatics don’t illicit any kind of sympathy or empathy from me. I finally told him to shut up and get out of my car because I had to be to work in four hours.

My sleep was incredibly restless, especially because I was super irritated and I wondered where my serenity had gone to. I was thinking about things that made me calm and relaxed… and they aren’t me. That should probably change, somehow.