Ick in Current Events

Mel Robbin’s says I should ask the question What happened to me? Well, I thought that getting a dumb job was going to be easy because my resume is dope. I procrastinated because I am struggling to let go of what happened to me at the last job and then I also have a crippling fear about starting my life over again and so I missed the mark and I ran out of income before I landed myself a new gig. I don’t know how to tell my family and friends because I am embarrassed and ashamed. My A&D is out of control as a result as I seem to be trying to pretend that pain isn’t happening to me.

So that’s basically what I told Bev last night. It felt good to get it off my chest. I just need to tell my family now. They’re going to be worried about me and I can’t stomach that… or they’re going to be mad? I don’t know. Just as I pulled up in front of Bev’s house I checked my phone and noticed that I got a text from my cell phone provider telling me that I have until the seventeenth to pay my full bill or they are going to disconnect me. I’m like, yup, this is great. I don’t need a phone while job hunting or anything. So my anxiety was sky high when I walked into her house which was great for her because I cleaned her kitchen as a result. Cleaning bathrooms was my signature move when I used to visit my friend’s houses in the past lol. I’m weird. So anyway we played Pictionary with her oldest son Dean and then she tucked him into bed and after that, she asked me the question, so what’s going on? Why do you need to get out of your head? All my text said earlier was me asking her if she was free this evening for me to come over and watch His Dark Materials, I just needed to get out of my head for a bit.

She offered to lend me money. I suspected she would do that. She said that she trusts me, I feel that I can trust me with that as well I just feel dirty about it. She and her ex-husband just sold their house in Quebec and she has brought up before that she could help me as she has a lot of coins in a TFSA which is going to be untouched for six years because she is not buying a house until she is done her schooling. I was going to hit up the bank of mom but the plan was to get hired somewhere first. I don’t think that this would ruin the friendship. I’ve been the guy who lent my friends money in the past, however, that did ruin those friendships. Blah, I feel so icky. The story that I am telling myself is that her family won’t understand her decision and they will look down on me and I look like I manipulated her or something like that. Ick

I had an appointment with my doctor today that I slept through. Ironically because I am sick. My throat felt like I swallowed hot burning coal and I felt hungover. I was like, no thank you. The appointment was just to discuss my mental health. I didn’t fill that prescription for Zoloft but I will. I will use it as a crutch as I move forward with my life. I have so many crazy crazy changes coming up and change is not that easy for me. I have to find work, move out of this house and go back to school and do that grind to get my degree in nutrition and my license to be a dietician and somehow start a business with all of that. But first, fingers crossed that one of those thirteen places I applied at calls me for an interview. Three of them I have friends working there and they’re all putting in a word for me this weekend. I need a Christmas miracle. Boom I just saw that the time is 11:11 just as I asked for that miracle. Ganesha you big bloated beautiful bitch in the sky please come through

I feel a little more at ease today. I don’t know what to do with myself, I have that waiting game now. I want to exercise but I’ve been sick all week. My A&D kicked my ass also this week. I hid in a magical land called Skyrim. I was not a gamer until this year. I struggle to find balance as it appears to be my vice. I’m an addict? Oh yes, on Tuesday I spent the entire day on it. Every time I thought about turning it off the real world would hit me and cause an attack so I would just dive back in. This is not a healthy relationship. Maybe I will call my mom and get that conversation over with. She’s going to be so pissed. I’m about to have the house to myself so I’ll actually be able to breathe for a bit.