Pressed in Current Events

Do you think 19 panic attacks a day is normal? I hit a point the other day when I thought I was having a heart attack because my chest was so tight. I spent the last few days hiding in a video game, Skyrim. My niece and I have a cold and I spent all day yesterday with a headache so I spent the entire day playing that damn game. I can barely remember what day of the week it is. I applied for nine jobs between Friday and Monday. I suppose I should call them all to get a head start on getting rejected. I honestly already feel like I’m rejected. I’m feeling pressed because I’m actually out of money. I have some room on my credit card and I haven’t told anybody. I feel shame, yes and I am freaked out at how bad I’m about to look to everyone when they realize I have spent the last seven months failing to keep it together. In my mind, my mother is going to be so pissed off. My roommates might kick me out of the house? I’m emotionally preparing myself for the worst I suppose. I could apply to a fast-food restaurant or a call centre to tie me over I suppose. I’m flustered the entire day which is about as fun as you think it is. Coming clean with everybody is probably what I need to do to set myself free and then just roll with the consequences. When my sister’s husband was desperately trying to pick a fight with my sister I heard him say that her family always tries to take advantage of her. He’s having a rough time with his job and asked my sister if they could have an argument and she declined so their fight was about her not wanting to fight and he tried pushing all of her buttons. They’re a weird couple, they have one argument a year. I don’t know if he meant that and I don’t know if they will put up with me right now. Of course, it is possible that everybody could react positively and try and help me or give me patience? They all do love me to death. Ugh… My heart is starting to race, panic attack number 4 today. My car is running, it’s -36c and it’s going to be this cold for most of the winter now. I wonder how long before my car is repossessed? I don’t even have a bus out here… which is good because I would probably jump in front of it… jk! Suicidal jokes are not funny. Even though my mind keeps jumping to that conclusion. I’ll get my prescription filled next time that I leave the house. Everybody keeps talking about Christmas and I’m like… yuh, I can’t even think that far ahead. My A&D has me so short-sighted that I can’t see a future outside of this pain. Ugh.... blah…