Need in ❅journal 2019❅

i don’t know when I started to mix healthy love with hurting. It’s something that’s just happened. Sometimes I find myself wanting to beg my boyfriend to punish me, to make me cry amd suffer because my head just can’t function without it. I get so scared when these urges come I hurt them every time they happen.

My chests hurts and my mouth drys. Punishment punishment punishment. I’m a horrible person, I’m bad and I need to be hit. Spat on. Screamed at. SOMETHING

all I can think about tonight is all the things I’ve been unpunished for and drives me mad. I’m crying because I want it so bad and I don’t know what to do. I won’t bother daddy anymore, I’ll just donut myself.