Survey to Cope in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

Anxiety is playing with my head. I’m tackling it with logic. I am going forward with the separation because I want to be in a relationship that involves intimacy, trust, mutual emotional affection, mutual respect, sincere connection. It is the right thing to do. But I can’t help my irrational thoughts. Nor, unsurprisingly, can I quite stop myself from rationalizing the irrational thoughts. I mean the “be you, your energy will attract someone” is great advice… but I’m stuck on comparative realities. So… back when I was dating… I was in the biggest city in the State and had no end of date ideas or date possibilities. Want to watch a live theater performance? Want to go see the symphony orchestra? Check out the latest movie in theaters? Round of mini golf? Frisbee Golf? Local Arcade Bar? Go to Court Avenue and do a progressive dinner going from place to place to place? Want to volunteer? Want to check out what new restaurant is opening in the East Village? Want to watch one of the many professional sports teams? So, there were an abundance of things to do. But.... I didn’t really know myself and so I’m not surprised that I didn’t have a lot of luck with the ladies. Now? Now, on the other hand, there is the opposite problem. I do know who I am, more or less. I’ve seen the ME I want to be. A compassionate, geeky attorney who loves board games, tabletop games, video games, science fiction, reading, writing, creating cocktails, and is curious about sexual exploration. I have a much better grasp on who I am. Yet… small town rural farm location. My old town? Is 97% larger than my entire current county. So… that causes some concern that speaks to my anxiety. Not just as far as dating ideas; this goes back to the good advice I was focusing on.

Be Me, find fun things to do and places to be, and people will be attracted to your energy. Okay… the play. That’s over now until June. Go to MeetUp, anything close by? Nothing for 50 miles. Not a single group. Expand outwards from there? Okay… one or two groups in a 60 mile radius… but their events start at 5 p.m. It would take me an hour to drive to any of these MeetUps and they start 30 minutes after work ends (if I’m lucky). So… shit. The true pain of the rural world and one of the big reasons why we hemorrhage young people so much! When there is nothing to do except “church and 4H”… people are going to GTFO.

So… here’s me responding to anxiety with a survey

1) Please tell us, when you were born?
1984, 35 days before the original Ghostbusters movie was released

2) Where are you from and are you proud of it?
I’m from Iowa and take the perspective that one should not be proud of where they are from, one should only be proud if they helped make the place better for their having been there.

3) Do you love playing any sports, or just watching it?
I like playing sports and watching sports; though I don’t watch many sports anymore

4) Who are your favorite people in history?
The people who could change the course of history without tearing someone else down. The true men and women of ideas and passion that did not have to destroy someone else’s ideas or passions to succeed.

5) What type of music do you like?
SO MANY. Just about every genre ever

6) What type of music do you dislike?
I’m open to most music. I’ll admit, I can be mighty critical of Country Western Music because it tries to either be POP or FOLK and too often it just… doesn’t connect positively with me

7) Favorite TV shows?
I don’t watch a lot of proper TV. I’d say, though, Black Books, IT Crowd, Rick and Morty, Good Place, Perfect Harmony

8) Which one you prefer, Daft punk or Gorillaz?
DAMN GOOD QUESTION! I love them both but if pressed… I’d say.... Gorillaz

9) Do you love animals, if yes then which one you love most?
I do love animals. I like dogs and wolves. All animals interest me but wolves are unique to me in that pantheon

10) Do you have children? And how many?
I do not. I would like to someday. I see parents struggle and feel upset because their child doesn’t listen or their child makes a mess and… I just think… I want a child. Not because my child will be miraculously perfect but because… the hard parenting moments are not nearly enough to scare me off, lol

11) Are you married or single, and why?
Married going through a separation. I think if you want to know and don’t; you can skim through these pages almost at random and get a decent idea.

12) If you are not married, when are you going to get married?
If the separation ultimately leads to divorce; I’ll admit that I would want to get married again. I’m a marrying kind of guy. I mean, yeah… I’ve been deeply socialized to it since my father was taking me to “How to be a Christian Husband” seminars from a damned early age but… I don’t know. Maybe I’m one of those guys that doesn’t think all programming needs to be undone.

13) What is your favorite drink of all?
Something fruity, refreshing, and mildly alcoholic

14) What is your greatest achievement in high school?
I’d like to say getting published, or making a movie, or beating my fastest time in the 100 fly… but ultimately, I’d have to say it was the Grammy. And yeah.... I… really peaked in High School. Sad!

15) When was the last time you cried?
Sometime over the weekend, but I can’t remember specifically. Tears over the sheer immensity of what is to come.

16) What’s the first thing you notice about people?
How they enter the room

17) What is your eye color?
Brown

18) Scary movie or happy endings?
Neither, actually. I prefer a movie that ends thoughtfully. No rushed happy ending, no tacked on “final scare”. Something that hits you, makes you think.

19) Favorite smells?
The smell of a cello being removed from a locker; (honestly) the smell of sex… the sweat mixed with pheromones and fluids… I honestly do enjoy it

20) What’s the furthest you’ve ever been from home?
Graz, Austria over 4,500 miles away

21) Do you have any special talents?
Allegedly. People tend to say I write well or speak well. But it is hard for me to appreciate as “communicate” is one of the first things a human learns and I don’t particularly see my “communication” as any grander or more impressive than most

22) What’s your zodiac sign? Do you believe in it?
Taurus and not really. I do believe it is likely that there are behavioral patterns that may be impacted by when a person is born; but I feel that they are less “the stars” then they are “environmental conditions” like if a child is born in the summer, are they more gregarious because people visited more often… that kind of thing.

23) Who was your first best friend?
Don’t remember his name. Friend from Kindergarten. Disappeared one day totally off the face of the earth.

24) What is the least favorite thing about yourself?
I’ve this great problem with having a stick up my arse. Spontaneity or doing anything for the simple reason of “because I want to” are… so far, not really my style.

25) What was your favorite/worst subject in High School?
Favorite Subject in High School: Speech. Bitch, I rocked that.
Worst Subject in High School: Science and Maths. Not great at those.

26) What would you (or have you) name your children?
Logan Alexander
Gemma Talia

27) How many Girlfriends/Boyfriends have you had?
All depends on how you count, eh? Like… the women who were trying to tell me “WE’RE ON A DATE” but I was daft; probably not. But the girl that I went out with for a week.... maybe.
Ultimately, I see it this way. women I went on dates with and had a relationship with are the only ones I’m counting.... then Wife makes 5. Ever.

28) Favorite memory from childhood?
Depends on how you define childhood. Ages of 0 to 15: Probably my first kiss. Ages of 0 to 18: The reception after we finished playing for the Graz City Council

29) Tell us one of your bad habits!
I’m not nearly as health-minded as I should be.

30) 3 things that upset you?
Those who are intentionally unkind
Those who show no sign of intelligence
Feeling helpless

31) 3 things that make you happy?
Achieving an important victory in court
The kind words or supportive actions of a loved one
The joy in my dog’s butt when I come home

32) How is your relationship with parents? Very good

33) What’s on your mind? Trying to regulate “spoons”. You think it is hard having a chronic condition normally… add separation and the troubles of others. I’m not saying I have it worse than anyone else but dealing with the emotional trauma of an entire county can be… ufda!

34) One word that describes you?
Contemplative

35) What’s your favorite quotes?
“The superior man thinks always of virtue; the common man thinks only of comfort” Confucious

36) Are you an extrovert or introvert?
I am an ambivert. There are some days (and certain people) for whom my energy is quickly renewed. There are other days (and certain people) for whom my energy is drained if I am not left to my own.

37) Are you left or right handed?
Right

38) Do you consider yourself a good cook?
I’d say no. I do cook and can cook when necessary and I tend to experiment and try my hand at things quite a bit but… I’ve rarely had opportunity to get many opinions on the matter.

39) If money were no object what would you get for your next birthday?
If money were no object and I could make a request… renovate the house. Fix all the broken appliances, re-wire the electrical so that it makes some damned sense, re-design some of the rooms to give more of a free-flow feel.

40) If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be?
If money were no option… decent sized house with some land in between Naas and Dublin

41) What’s your favorite thing to have for breakfast?
Omelette

42) Favorite movies?
Primer

43) Gen X, millennial or baby boomer?
I’m a millennial; but in that awkward position where it makes more sense to say Xennial. After all, I still remember using a rotary phone for everything. I remember life before the internet. I remember life before the home pc!