Find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad in Book One: The Not So Daily Briefs 2014

A few things first:

Yesterday in my "History of the Heart" book; I'd written a nice long piece trying to deal with my insomnia, the strange disconnect in my wife (who doesn't wear makeup, improve her wardrobe yet seems strangely shallow in some ways); I had some profound realizations about the direction of my life.... and when I hit SAVE, the whole thing had timed out and my entry was lost. BAH.

Then last night, I actually DID get some sleep (thanks to about 96 ounces of Mixed Beverages) but the dreams were... well, one long dream... was enough to disturb me. - I was back living with my parents and Finals Season was approaching. My stand partner for Orchestra had stopped by to go over our final performance and, even though I could have sworn otherwise, I had not remembered to bring my cello with me back home. So, instead we studied some math. NONE of it was making sense. The problems were combination logic puzzles and calculus theorems and... whoo, I couldn't get any of them. I was getting frustrated and upset. My father found out that there were 2 classes where I was likely to fail the final... and started beating the shit out of me. Then my mom got into it and started slapping me around yelling how I was letting the family down. That is when I woke up. :(

Now... my parents would never physically abuse me... they haven't before and they are unlikely to start now. But... the message was loud and clear. At least, the message about what my brain is thinking... as dreams are more a reflection of the dreamer than a reflection of those around the dreamer. Between classes, Bar Exam, Job Searching, and issues with my marriage... I am almost entirely convinced I'm a bit Let-Down. I'm not reaching my potential, I'm not reaching the hopes and expectations I have for myself, and in so doing- I'm worried I'm letting everyone who cares about me down.

SOOOoooo... in a perfect world, what would things look like?

1) No more bullshit busywork from school. For instance, there is an assignment currently (to be done during spring break) where we have to look over 74 depositions and create a linear chronological story from all the depositions. Really? Because... in a real law firm, EVERY deposition would be added AS RECEIVED. Dumping a bunch on us and saying "do this" is simply training us for if a Senior Partner says "My lack of planning is now your professional emergency."

2) Bar Application Breathe Easy. Instead of freaking about letters of recommendation and full acceptance; I'd already have heard back from the IBA inviting me to take the exam in July.

3) Study plans that carry me into May. I'd have a set plan that was actually possible to make sure I was properly studied up for my final exam AND the bar exam.

4) Legal Org transition. I wouldn't have to field any more questions, bills, responsibilities, etcetera about the Legal Org. The fundraiser would be finished, the elections would be done and I could scratch another thing off my mind.

5) I would already have a job offer from my BEST CASE SCENARIO. Best Case- I work for Story County Attorney's Office Ames Branch for a starting salary of $60-90k. That way I'd make enough money to allow my wife to quit Wal Mart; we'd be living close to our families; and we'd be able to hang out with our friends when available. BIGGEST PROBLEM... job market being what it is... most jobs out there currently only offer a 1 year contract, pay $40k, and aren't even LEGAL WORK. Grumph!

6) My wife would be willing to go to Couple's Counseling or our relationship would simply "magically get better." I'd feel respected, wanted, appreciated, and loved and our relationship would begin to look like a MARRIAGE instead of an insanely awkward roomie situation.

Of course... of those six items to create a perfect world... what am I actually able to do? Number one? Well... I could make sure I get all of my work done as soon as it gets assigned... but that won't make the work go away. Really for every assignment completed, there are three more assigned. Number two? For better or worse that is going to be dealt with and finished here in the next 18 days. Either I'll get everything in, or I won't. And after it is all sent out... I can't do anymore work to force IBA to accept me so... it'll just be waiting. Number three? I suppose I could and should make some kind of plan. Of course... most of my classes decided a syllabus or a lesson plan would be useless. So, I don't really know what to expect in those classes... but I could at least make a plan for Bar Study. Number four? Nothing to it but to do it. Really, just keep my head down and barrel through until the end of April. Number five? Well, I'll still keep applying to jobs and hoping for the best but... I don't see any way of making that Best Scenario happen. Number six? Shit, if I knew a way to fix that issue I would have done it by now.

So- ultimately... #1~ I can stay on top of, but I can't stop it. #2~ soon will be a nonissue for better or worse. #3~ It would be incomplete and not as effective, but I could make some kind of study plan. #4~ Time Sensitive; have to keep going until my time is up. #5~ Dead. Nothing I can do. #6~ Dead. Nothing I can do.