Ignoring Them in ❅journal 2019❅

I decided to ignore all my messages notifs basically, I need time to think about stuff.

I’ve been thinking about telling my mom about my disorder, but I felt sick. My mother didn’t react to twelve year old me saying I have depression and she really rags on me for my anxiety. So I don’t wanna risk it.

I’m trying to gear myself up. I didn’t mention this before, but I’ve discovered I can’t fucking drive. Like, my anxiety plus years without glasses add on fear made me flunk drivers Ed.

But, I have backup. My mother gets pissed because I don’t have a job. But I never get called back, the job offer I did have my mother overslept and said basically oh well you never look for a job anyway so whatever. It pisses me off and makes me feel worse.

Most of my friends I made over the years have ditched me. More and more I realized I was obviously trailing along people who did not want to hurt my feelings. Honestly, partially it’s my fault but damn…am I that unattractive.

It’s hard to realiZe and face them so I hide in the library during most of my lunches, on the computer possibly texting my bf or online friends and during requests.

Everyday I wake up to write up requests and put out a video. I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining, I’m sorry if I do. Um I just wanted a entry not depressing or about my eating disorder…

So! I decided actually over the summer to learn html for neocities, but just to learn how to code. I asked John for help but he shockingly doesn’t know html! He told me he was learning newer codes for game programming and stuff.

Speaking of John, I need to get him out of the house again. He told me he’s struggling to feel emotions and that’s a classic sign I need to get him out. I encouraged him when we dated to do you gi oh battles but he just stopped going and is constantly at school. I worry about him but we rarely text now 🙁

I feel like he’s sick of me 😞 I don’t blame him, he’s known me for a while and we both while similar, clearly have grown apart due to the constant on and off dating.

I feel like everyone is doubting me, I was even told people think I’m to young and incapable to do what I’m doing. It hurt. I’m so angry, I worked so hard to get where I am. I sacrificed so much, I don’t mention it here because it just makes me cry.

I wish they respected me.