Late Night Confession in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

Friday evening, or Saturday morning however you like it… I had trouble sleeping. Just… the usual trouble. The kind of thing that doesn’t really bother me that much. But I realized I was a bit randy. Granted, all things considered, that bloody well makes sense! I mean, even if you don’t consider my 8 month drought, I also haven’t administered sufficient solo ministrations in over a week or more.

So, I jumped on Tinder. Unpaid account at the moment. Just wanted to see what could be seen. Of course, loads of profiles on Tinder say “add me on Snap” or “add me on Insta”. Sometimes I do just to see what is up… and invariably it is a bot/ad/scam account. Often promoting some website like “cutegirls4u” or “nakedselfies” or requiring me to sign up w/credit card information to verify ID, or some such bother. But one woman responded to my Snapchat add and thanked me for adding her. I told her that I had seen her on Tinder and she seemed interesting and attractive. She responded by calling me sweet and said that she had joined Tinder for NSA/FWB fun. Then the conversation went a little weird… stilted. It became like, “I live in x. Where do you live, what do you do?” Response. “It is good to know you are a provider. I do this. What is your favorite color?” Response. “You have good taste. These are my favorite colors. I am free right now to do whatever.” To which I responded, “I like those colors, too! What do you do for fun? What is a typical fun night for you?”
The response? “You have good taste. These are my favorite colors. I am free right now to do whatever.”

And I’m thinking: fuckin’ bot, man. Shit! Between robots, advertising, artificial intelligence and everything else… internet dating shit be weird and potentially expensive.

And obviously I am still randy (not like that was going to be taken care of or go away anyway) and am just lying here thinking… of all the things I’ve never done… all the things I want to do… and wondering if any of that will happen. I mean, obviously there is more of a chance now that I am getting out of a sexless marriage… but “a chance” is always greater than zero. That does not make it “a good chance.” And honestly? I just… I want to feel sexy again. I want to feel a women’s hand on my naked chest. I want to feel a women’s naked thighs curl around my bare waist. I want to taste the sweet-salt of a woman’s perspiring neck as we lose ourselves to passion. I want to feel the warm wet of an aroused woman around my shaft. I want my ears to ring with the sounds of passion. I want all of that very much. And… I just.

I know none of that was going to happen with Martha. I just… hope at least some of that can be a part if my life at some point.