Taking Control in Current Events

When your body needs water what do you feel? Thirsty. When your body needs sustenance what do you feel? Hungry. When your body needs sleep what do you feel? Tired. When you need to grow what do you feel? Stuck.

I just learned how my overthinking creates an illusion of control. Overthinking about something is a reaction to fear, the fear being a lack or loss of control. All fears are boiled down to being stuck in a situation of not having any control, according to the book I am currently reading by Mel Robbins. My mind wants control so I overthink and I start planning and even though nothing is happening I create an illusion that I am in control when I am not. My fear is in control. I also learned that I tend to think too big. I think of the final product or goal and I overwhelm myself as I spin my mind out of control thinking about all of the little things in between. I need to think smaller and focus on just the next step. My body knows the score and I need to pay attention to the signs that fear is about to happen. I’ll start to get agitated, that’s my tell. Little things that are not happening the way that they should start to make me TNT, Tense, Nervous and Triggered. Then my stomach gets in knots. That’s when I need to slow down and think smaller. Just focus on the next step. I need to ask myself what I am afraid of and break that down into something I can do.

When you were a kid what did you do when you felt fear? That’s probably what you are still doing today. Then she asks the tough question what did you not have control over that made you feel pain? It could be anything from abuse to not getting picked to play on a team, we had a reaction to that and we turned it into a habit. From trying to be perfect so that our parents don’t get mad at us, to not putting your hand up so you don’t feel singled out, to always cleaning, overeating and organizing etc. Mine was to hide. To stay home from school. I skipped school a lot. I barely graduated. I still do this, I always fight to stay inside. School was an environment where I had no control and I had my reasons for feeling vulnerable. Now I still do this. I need to drop a resume off but then I think big and I start overwhelming myself with everything new that I have to learn and that the roads are awful to drive on right now and I talk myself into doing it tomorrow.

Mel has me questioning what my passion is. She explains how your passion is not a thing. It’s an energy. What energizes you? Whatis it that you can’t wait to do when you wake up? She was coaching a teacher who felt stuck, he was passionate about learning and realized that teaching is not the same thing. So now I’m like, is being a dietician going to be my passion in the end? At the back of my mind, I dread it a bit. I can’t stomach the thought of trying to help somebody make a lifestyle change who will resist me every step of the way. Then blame me for not being able to help them. But then again, waking them up to realize who is making every single damn choice in their life is what will give me job satisfaction. I think? My next step is to obviously talk to a dietician about their career. To see what is up. I say that I want to open a clinic, maybe just managing that is what I really want? Frig man why she gotta mindfuck me like this?

A friend bought me a ticket to see Bianca Del Rio tonight and now I’ve overwhelmed myself and my stomach is in knots because I don’t want to leave the house. The roads suck, parking sucks and I don’t want to be out late and I just want to stay inside and do nothing. That’s what I am telling myself anyway. Why I gotta mindfuck me like this? Anyway, I am learning a lot from Mel in her book Take Control of your LIfe. She really knows how to speak to me. I almost cried in the intro because she made me feel relatable. Fear is in control of my life and she is confident that she can get me back on track.