Weird day in ❅journal 2019❅

I think I’m jealous.

I don’t know, there are sometimes I feel so angry that someone else is talking to the person I want to, i want to go to over to them and smash their head into a wall. I’m like this with my boyfriend for good reason.

The last partners I had clearly lost interest in me after a while or they did only regain a positive interest when i left or it wasn’t enough for me. God I don’t fucking know how to write this without sounding crazy and possesive.

It’s scary the thought of my boyfriend liking or even talking to someone else! Its like im so scared i can’t allow him to. But then i do because I know that’s crazy it’s really fucking crazy and i hated when Alex would make text her every five fucking minutes or else she’d be so angry at me!

But now im so scared he’ll leave me 😭. Idk what to do? Everyday i obsess more and more over the thought. I see someone mentioning him i feel some dark part of me flare up and I instantly hate myself.

Am i not pretty enough for you? Am i to ugly? Is there something wrong with me? Writing these things make me feel so horrible because he’s going to read this and probably be so confused and mad at me or himself.

All I can keep obsessing is him leaving me. He rode in his exes parents car, okay that’s normal. But then in the shower later that i started panicking and felt sick to my stomach. What if he likes that part of his life more than his current part with me? BUT WHAT IF THEY WHERE HORRIBLE TO HIM AND I’M BRINGING BACK BAD MEMORIES???!

I feel like such a horrible person.