Yup in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

Yesterday was really a pretty standard evening in all respects.

Left work and went to Therapy. My therapist, methinks, works so much with children that she enjoys the prospect of working with an adult but lacks the maturity to do so well. When I am speaking with her, it seems more like she is interested and curious about “the soap opera of life” rather than genuinely assisting with my own personal processes. THEN AGAIN I do have to take everything into consideration appropriately. The truth is two-fold. First, especially in a rural community; I am certain that there are very few people that are both as well versed in psychiatry as I am and wish to seek it out. Hell, were it not a licensing issue… I could probably hang my own “Therapy” shingle out here and do fairly well for myself. So someone who typically works with children and families can’t find working with me to be easy. Second, I am an extremely experienced and (some would say) talented story teller. Weaving together an interesting narrative that makes the listener want to know more is (basically) what I have dedicated my life to. Whether the years between 5 and 20 where I learned to be an actor, or 27 to 35 where I learned to be a trial attorney.... or the fact that I was raised by 3 generations of salesmen… or my writing ability. I mean, ultimately… everything in my existence has been geared towards being at least “more than capable” at piecing together an interesting narrative that may grab someone’s attention.

So… it can’t be easy for her. She spends her days, much as I do, listening to children’s traumas and the very real struggles of those who need intervention. Then I come along and tell her that the majority of her “tools” are asinine, infantile, and elementary; discuss the value of both Hegelian philosophy and the Philosophy of Hume (despite them being rather contradictory to each other); and weave a story of an 8 year marriage with no sex or love and then just for good measure throw in a redheaded kinky sex goddess that is attracted to me right at the end.

Yeah. I don’t exactly blame her for being more interested in the story than the emotional process at this point. But as I transition from “took me a long time to do the right thing with my marriage” to “holy shit, I’m single for the first time since 2005… this is only the second time in my entire life where I have been single AND properly medicated AND able to drink. Holy Shit this is the first and only time I have ever been single where I could also have sex!!”… as that transition happens… I’m going to need someone that can do some honest to goodness emotional processing assistance. Cuz right now, and I’ll get back to this later, that shit comes with beaucoup emotions.

After that, I returned home. Wife… I should really go with a different nom de plume for her as I progress through things, eh? Let us settle on the name “Martha” because after Zack Snyder’s god awful fucking bullshit in Batman v Superman why not?! Martha was on the couch watching old episodes of Doctor Who. Despite telling me that she would help with dinner prep before I got home, unsurprisingly, nothing had gotten done. At least she had taken the dog for a walk. But then… once again… when you only have two hours out of the house as obligations, taking care of your dog’s needs shouldn’t be a “Oh, what a lovely gesture” but a goddamned expectation. But still. I am glad that she took the dog for a walk. But yeah. So… it being now half past 6, I began the preparation for dinner. Solo. I cut up the green peppers, I diced the onions, I chopped the tomatoes, I cooked the food, I did all of that. The entire process took until about 8:00. All while Martha stayed on the couch. Now, she did apologize for not helping. Which is a step. Typically, she simply does not help and remains quiet about it. At least this time, she was actively apologizing. But ultimately… it was more of what has been going on for months and all things considered equal; a pretty standard night. Martha does whatever; I make food and play The Adult… that’s our dynamic, apparently. Thus why I’m ever more accepting of my decision. Because, yeah. No shit this is shocking and painful for her. She was living a life where the barest and most minuscule of expectations were hers and she could rely on Husband to (1) earn the money; (2) manage all of social life; (3) provide opportunity… basically… I’m realizing that Martha (intentionally or not) is the type of person to find a life she likes and try to live in it. Not do anything with it, for it, in it. Just… live in it. And now that I’m saying, “Uhm, you may need to find your own life. Or build your own life. Or do work to create a life of your own.” Yeah… she’s very unhappy. But I remind myself… dude, you’ve been unhappy about this situation for YEARS. You’ve been building your life this whole time and feeling that it wasn’t enough, could never be enough. Now you know why. You weren’t two people building one life. You were one person, building one life, while someone else was living it. No wonder you’re tired!

Martha was… reluctant to talk logistics last night. I gave her a primer on separation and included my own language. It is a status that requires many of the same steps of divorce, but still allows for insurance and tax benefits. HERE IS WHERE SHIT GETS COMPLICATED: Finances. Martha has been taking care of my finances since we got married. Any intelligent lawyer who doesn’t want his license suspended would say, “When you get separated, don’t let her have access to your accounts!” Because duh. (1) Allowing Martha access to my money while we are separated is another way of simply saying, “You don’t have to fulfill any obligations of marriage or relationship; but I still want to be your literal piggy bank. (2) Allowing Martha unfettered access to my money while we are separated provides her the opportunity to go “shop crazy” and live WELL beyond her means if she wanted to. (3) Allowing Martha unfettered access to my money while we are separated provides her the opportunity to completely liquidate all accounts if she wanted to. Literally legally “stealing” all of my money and leaving me destitute. FURTHER as shit as Martha is with the dog; it would still be preferable for the dog to have a “human sitter” as opposed to spending the majority of her time in a kennel. Even a doggy day care option around here is X (standard pricing for putting her in a kennel, like when she was at the shelter) X plus 15 (standard pricing plus additional pricing for including a walk with doggy day care) X plus 30 (standard pricing plus additional pricing for including 15 minutes of play time with doggy day care). And those are my two biggest head scratchers and Separation Anxiety Issues. Everything else? Totally cool with. Provided I receive a list of what she is taking (for insurance purposes and potential replacement purposes), she can take what she wants to. Where she ends up? Honestly, not concerned. If she wants to stay in I.F. and keep going to class… if she wants to move to D.M.... if she wants to move back in with her parents.... honestly, I don’t care.

As far as the separation (or even the potential divorce) is concerned the only two concerns I have are (1) finances; and (2) the dog.

Moving on to something that may be considerably of a different emotional content?

For the first time in a long time I’m feeling an excited nervous impatience. You see… if/when Martha ever asks “Why are we doing this?!” about the separation, I have the response in my head. “I waited my whole life for you. But after we got together; you had me continue to wait. And I waited. And no matter what I did, what I said, what I could do for you… I still waited. Throughout everything, I have been waiting. And I’m done. I honestly can not wait anymore. I will not wait anymore. So that’s why.”

And if you look at that, there’s a thing in there that connects with why I’m feeling excited nervous impatience. Martha is the only woman I have ever had sex with. Our sex life wasn’t what one would call… active. Even something as nondescript and basic as “Making out” hasn’t happened in a very long time. And I’m done waiting. I want to feel a woman’s lips on mine. I want to feel a woman’s tongue in my mouth, or on my body, or wrapped around my cock. I want to take a woman passionately and focus all of my energy into her orgasm. I want a sexually stimulating, satisfying, and pleasant experience!

And the ultimate truth is: I don’t know how to get that! I have no idea. Hell, looking through Tinder, too many of those profiles are spam-bots looking to grab people to their illicit websites. I just sincerely have… no clue… how to go about any of this. And, true, I won’t try in earnest until after Martha has moved out. Honestly, anything else would be FAR TOO AWKWARD! But… this is something that… I’m excited nervous impatient about. The very possibility of a relationship that involves physical or sexual expression.

Thus why I am hoping that I can find a way to discuss all of this with Victoria and Remus. I mean, I don’t want to come across as some sex-starved over-eager puppy… but both of them seem a lot more open, accepting, and understanding of “the wide spectrum of sexuality” and may be in a position to at least offer suggestions.

In completely unrelated “after the separation/divorce” news? There are two “future scenarios” that pop into my mind that one makes me nervous, the other makes me excited.

Excited? Nala loves when we are outside. She doesn’t necessarily want to play, but if she is outside she would much prefer that we were out there, too. This was often difficult as Martha’s “quality time” was watching television together. Can’t watch television together if we’re outside with the dog. But I’ve long had a hobby that feels like “vacation any time” and I look forward to returning to it. You see, vacation for me often means reading for fun, drinking with the sun out, and just sitting without worry. As winter turns to spring and the sun returns to our lives, I look forward to setting up a camping chair outside and reading while sipping a glass of sherry as the dog runs back and forth in her yard. I mean… obviously since my concerns are finances and dog… that fantasy depends on (1) me keeping the house and (2) me keeping the dog. Which may be most logical but I take nothing for granted. But I enjoy the idea. Sitting outside, wrapped in blanket maybe, sipping a sherry and losing myself in prose as the dog runs. Far more pleasing and engaging than sitting on the sofa tolerating “say yes to the dress” or some bother.

Nervous? I am the guy tapped to do the Summer Prosecutor Training. That is the training I am assigned every year. It is essentially (more or less) a 5 day vacation to Lake Okoboji where we spend 4 to 7 hours in classes and have the rest of the day for ourselves. Except… ever since I first started going to this training back in Tiny Town, Martha has been with me. And while, I suppose, I should embrace the idea of going to a beach resort unattached… I’m not the kind of guy that is even capable of considering the idea that I’ll “be able to score some lake-side beach bunnies” or whatever lingo you’d prefer. As previously mentioned, I haven’t the first clue as to how to approach the scenario of “single and unattached” let alone how to do so while walking the line between “Beach Vacation” and “Work Outing”. So… something that does make me feel a bit nervous as I consider the future.

But… both of the above scenarios are merely passing fancies in my head. Too far off in the distance to be of any genuine concern. But much like the idea of trying to have sex with a new woman for the first time… something that pops into my head and sets off the “You’re so green!” alarm bells.

For now? My worries are to be confined to the following:

(1) Getting to parents for Thanksgiving
(2) Getting back from parents after Thanksgiving
(3) Taking care of my damaged car
(4) Attempting resolution of my damaged washing machine
(5) Attempting resolution of my damaged Kitchen Primary Light
(6) Making sure that this county’s legal concerns for December are properly handled
(7) Buying Christmas Presents for my family
(8) Planning the logistics of this separation with Martha
(9) Resolving the lingering questions about Nala regarding the Separation
(10) Resolving the lingering questions about finances regarding the Separation