Whine and Dine in Current Events

It finally sunk in that Miranda & her addict boyfriend used my name to create a hydro account at their last house. Hydro is slang, that’s what we call an electric bill in my part of the world. We have millions of lakes so guess what we source for energy? The bill is over a thousand dollars. Anyways, that is part of his financial abuse, with my sister, to make sure that his name never ends up on a bill. I used to live with them and I knew that he felt entitled to my money, we argued about it often and he used to look through my desk and look at my bills and receipts and stuff to see where my money was going when I wasn’t home. My stuff would slowly go missing and it was obvious that he was pawning whatever he could sneak. I had my seventeen-year-old cousin with us, he was in my care and the backstory to that is long but he was staying with me so he could finish high school. Long story short his mother was dating an abusive addict. Also! I need to add that I did not know that my sister’s boyfriend was abusive when we moved in together. I had money problems, they had money problems and we thought that we could fix that with one solution by moving in together. Anyway, my sister’s addict boyfriend, Justin, and my cousin fought a lot. Justin didn’t like being accused of stealing our stuff for pawning. I always gave the benefit of the doubt at first. I was such a sucker. They eventually kicked my cousin out Christmas morning when I wasn’t home. We all fought that morning when I got back and they then went to Brandon for a week and then my best friend died later that day from his alcoholism so it was a good day.

I was stuck in a house completely alone just a mess that night. I didn’t want to move and leave my sister with that monster. He would throw her stuff around and smash everything like he was the hulk. Scream at her to the point where he would throw up. His abuse was affecting me also and I didn’t even realize it. That man ruins everything he touches. I remember trying to live in that house without power or food. He always blamed us for it. He was unemployed for fuck sakes. I eventually had a nervous breakdown.

I had a lot of people on my plate at that time. Addicts were the axis of all evil in my life back then. I was trying to save so many people from them or themselves. Stacy, her son and her mother I was helping free from an abusive man. Selena, I had to get the police involved with that one because he used to lock her up in an attack when she wasn’t at work. I got her away from him and he kept coming by my work threatening to kill me if I didn’t tell him where she was. She went to school and got her life together and is with a wonderful man now. I had Roarke I was trying to save back then from himself. Jen, I was helping her recover from an abusive relationship. Ryan, who I came close to saving, he was in and out of detox for his alcoholism but after he brought a prostitute over to my place I had to step out of his life because I knew that I was enabling him. He was like a big brother to me and he was the one who died that Christmas. I tried calling him a few weeks before then but he ghosted me. I decided to wait until after Christmas but then he literally ghosted me. I had a few other people that I had on my plate but I can’t even remember any of it anymore. Totally for the best.

Since then my cousin flew to BC to be a dropout and get some work with my brother. Which sucked because he was on the honour roll at a private school that he had a full scholarship for. My other sister’s husband felt sorry for me because he could see that I was in over my head trying to saving everybody so he offered to let me stay with them. Which is where I am at currently. I was almost out of here this year but I lost my job when I reported a predator. Anyways, I’m just painting a little picture of what some of my life was like five years ago and now I have to wonder if this addict used my name for any other things after I moved out. Phone bills? Cable bills? Addicts don’t care who gets hurt so why wouldn’t he talk my sister into letting him use my name? He could have raided my desk and got all the info he could ever need to steal my identity.

She won’t leave him. This is all textbook. He’s a sociopath narcissist because of his addiction and she is the usual target because she is nurturing and empathetic. I heard the term sunk costs a few weeks ago and I thought about my sister and this relationship that she is in with that addict. She invested a lot into that relationship and she can’t get those investments back so it is hard to let go of that relationship. I have to believe that everybody is doing their best so that I can sleep at night but addicts really make that hard for me. I was watching a segment on narcissists the other day and a psychologist was saying how she can get a narcissist to admit that they just don’t care about other people and their well-being and when she works with them she can only get them to progress so far because of their lack of empathy. Everybody in their life is just a prop or a vice. This is what my sister is trying to build a life with. With somebody who does not care about the well-being or human condition of anybody but himself. He’s a sociopath and my sister is just somebody he can use. He broke her spirit down enough to ensure that she will never leave him. Learned helplessness. He is recovering from his last relapse and is doing swell, allegedly but I know it’s just a performance. There is no humanity in that body of his as far as I am concerned. I just want him well so that my sister can be well. His disease is ruining everything and everyone.

While I’m down here in the pits and complaining, my friend Jen is being a big disappointment right now. There was a miscommunication a while back when I went to her for a haircut and once she heard that I went to a barber for my next one she came at me for it. That happened when she knew I was at my friend’s wedding. She then decided to ghost me. She’s now on some smear campaign about it because I am a user and a liar. So here I am, a friend of hers that was at rock bottom who got a haircut to try and feel good about himself and she found a way to make this all about herself and she is milking it. She gets to fuel that fantasy of always being a victim. She threw away our friendship, again, over a haircut. This is when I am supposed to go crawling back to her gravelling and begging for forgiveness. I’ve played this game with her so many times. I think I have a narcissist here. She put herself front and centre within our circle of friends. She’s acting entitled, she sometimes helps people so that means we owe her. She’s gaslighting and trying to make this my fault and trying to change what everybody else thinks of me. Has us all walking on eggshells because we know how neurotic she can be. This production happens all damn time. I’m disappointed because this says nothing about me and everything about her and I’m just annoyed that I am “involved”. Also, I’m sorry love but your friends like me more than you and nobody believes in what you have to say about me. I am the dearly beloved and you’re just the drama queen we can only take in small doses.

Small doses… now I’m sad because that is what the Millenials at my mother’s work have to say about my mother. My mother is upbeat and always tries to stay positive and the young workers at her work hate that. They always whine and complain about everything in their bloated privileged lives and my mother never does a there there but gives them upbeat, positive advice and they hate that. My mother heard what they had to say about her behind her back, how she is somebody they can only take in small doses. My mother gets dirty looks around the office because they all want to be toxic and this issue actually makes my mother depressed. She takes her lunch an hour later so she can be alone and away from those young millennial cunts. Back in May when my mother had that awful side effect from her medication, depression and suicidal thoughts, she was absolutely obsessed with trying to get those girls to like & respect her. Those privileged, entitled bratty Millenials are not worth a moment of your time. I told her. We’ve come a long way from those side effects but they brought up old issues that I want my mother to see a therapist for. She retires in a few years so she is just toughing it out even though it still affects her.

I’ve been the negative nancy, the Debbie Downer and the me monster and so I have some insight on being that bratty, privileged entitled Millenial. I hated it when people tried to ruin my victim fantasy. I’ll write an entry about that term one day, the Victim Fantasy. Regarding myself, I noticed how I created a long list of excuses for myself. A Rolodex of reasons as to why I’m allowed to think that my life sucks and why I don’t have to change. This happened in my childhood, I have anxiety etc. I undermined every self-help message because I absolutely convinced myself that my situations and circumstances were unique 100% and that nobody could possibly understand or relate to what I was going through. I was the perfect victim of circumstance. People who would give me advice made me feel judged and I absolutely needed people to feel sorry for me. I was literally exhausting myself trying to make people understand that I am the way I am because I am the victim of circumstance. I’m learning to let go of that fantasy though. I’m not that toxic person I once was. I also don’t over function as a way to pretend that pain isn’t happening to me. I don’t stick my neck out to help others the way that I used to. I’m not even a good listener anymore. I’m more of a motivational speaker to them when they want to complain. Everything in their lives is just content and I focus on the context. Like, for example. You’re miserable when you’re single and miserable when you’re in a relationship? Maybe it’s not your relationship status that is making you miserable? Unhappy at a job and then unhappy without a job? Maybe it’s not your employment status that is making you miserable? Stuff like that. I can’t handle the whining anymore… even though that’s all I’ve done in this entry lol. So I should quit while I’m ahead.

So I’ll have to get my full credit checked soon to see what I’m all attached to. To ensure that my sister’s boyfriend didn’t rack up debt for me behind my back. I just have so much else on my plate to make this my top priority. I’m avoiding the drama and upsets that I might have to cause regarding that hydro bill. I’ll find a way to handle this without adding stress for everybody.

Last updated November 26, 2019