Time & Space in Current Events

Oh Today I’m just a drop of water
and I’m running down a mountainside.
Come tomorrow I’ll be in the ocean.
I’ll be rising with the morning tide.
-Gabrielle Aplin

I’m feeling existential today. Is that even a mood? Like I took a peek behind the veil and saw the behind the scenes of this reality that we all co-created. We all agree to believe that money is power, that we’re all categorized by race, gender & creed. We all agree to believe that lines are drawn that separates us from each other and we all live inside a belief that we have nations. We all agree to believe in rights and agree to believe that people have power over us. These beliefs are a trick. Like a shadow. We’re just playing some big game and we’ve forgotten who we are. We were raised, not cultivated and told what to think and what to feel and what to believe. We are not a heritage or a legacy. We are each an individual with our own unique potentials and we are all here to have a temporary human experience. What happened to our intrinsic intelligence? When did we all stop trying to figure out what it means to be a human being? When did we stop seeking? I just feel… duped and robbed. My brain is so cluttered with all this fakeness. I am this in this body, you are that in that body. Reality is more flexible than this I can feel it.

Existential crisis aside, I did fail to leave the house today to drop off resumes. It rained last night and the roads are icy and I just don’t want to drive in that if I don’t have to. I’m not even beating myself up over it. I don’t know what to feel or if I even want to feel today. My roommates were fighting last night. That never happens but it was bad. I thought I heard Matt say to my sister that her family is taking advantage of her. I’m not letting myself overthink it. I had a good day yesterday so I guess that I needed something to balance it out? Actually that wasn’t the worst thing to happen to me yesterday. When I was visiting with my mother she told me that she received one of Miranda’s electric bills. It had my name on it and the bill was for over a thousand dollars. I wonder what else her addict boyfriend put under my name? I don’t have it in me to deal with that right now. One minute I am thinking positive and in the next, I am getting suicidal ideations which are not a threat but an inconvenience. I’m starting to feel pressed like a panini and all I want is… space.