A Little Early in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

I know that I haven’t even spoken to Wife about my feelings on this yet (I’m waiting until Couple’s Counseling in an attempt to at least address the subject in a healthier/safer environment). So it is far too early to wax philosophical about break ups or separations or the after math of something that hasn’t even happened yet. Hell… there is a possibility, a chance (however small) that after speaking with my therapist tonight and speaking with my parents and speaking with our couple’s counselor that I won’t go forward with a discussion about separation or divorce. NOTE: You’ll see how my discussion with “Emily” isn’t mentioned at all there. Because frankly, it really truly is evident to me… no matter what does or does not happen with “Emily”… she isn’t part of this. Not the decision portion. She’s just the person that reminded me. It doesn’t have to be this way. There could be a situation out there that does not make you feel… so… like you do. BUT there is a possibility, a chance (however small) that after speaking with my therapist tonight and speaking with my parents and speaking with our couple’s counselor that I won’t go forward with a discussion about separation or divorce. And I admit that such a statement outs me as a weak person. Frankly, this is the closest and most DONE I’ve ever been with this relationship. After being together since July 2005… after almost breaking up in 2009… after almost getting a divorce in 2014… this is the most DONE I’ve ever been with this relationship.

To the point where I’m already thinking the following to myself:
Going back to normal things seems… weird. Almost like a betrayal.
And I get it. After coming to such a massive decision intellectually and emotionally… I am allowed to have thoughts reflecting upon the weight of that decision and its possible outcome. But it also feels too early to consider the concepts of “Returning to normal life after something so massive.”

That being said?

The old Chris is still in here somewhere and I can hear him whispering. That little voice that kept me with my abuser for so long. I’ve learned to tune him out, give him less attention, but I can still hear his voice.

I started “dating” Caitlin in July of 2001. At least, that was when she tied me to a tree and threatened to strip me against my will and leave me there naked unless I asked her out. Back then? That little voice was the voice that said, “You can’t break up with her in August, it is her birthday!” That little voice was the voice that said, “You can’t break up with her in September, you just started school!” That little voice was the voice that said, “You can’t break up with her in October, she just went through a massive trauma!” I tried to break up with her in November. I was even free for 24 hours. Until every single one of her friends contacted me and made me feel like an absolute monster for breaking her heart. Then that little voice was the voice that said, “You can’t break up with her in December, she was just committed to the Psychiatric Hospital!” Until finally in February, I basically had to say SHUT THE FUCK UP LITTLE VOICE!

I can hear that little voice again. He’s been around this whole time, as evidenced by how long I’ve stayed in this relationship. That little voice was the voice that said, “You can’t divorce after Law School and just be another statistic!” That was the little voice that said, “You can’t divorce her in Tiny Town, neither of you wants to be HERE!” That was the little voice that said, “You can’t divorce her in Des Moines, your problem is the job, not your wife!”

Well, little voice. Here’s our situation now. Wife has whatever life she wants to. Any opportunity she would like to seize has been presented to her and made available to her. We like our job, our town, our community, our house. We have quite honestly eliminated all variables that would prevent this marriage from succeeding if Wife wanted it to or were capable. And instead? We still have issues getting her to say “I love you.” We still have issues getting her to engage emotionally or physically in the relationship. We’ve still gone 65% of the year (and counting) in celibacy. Hell, even in paradise with no worldly concerns living in a house 20 feet from the Pacific Ocean… Wife couldn’t be arsed to say “I love you” or throw you a shag. So, little voice… we’ve covered it. We’ve covered everything. What do you have to say now?

But Little Voice has a response. Of course it does. It always will.
“You can’t divorce her now. She’s trying harder!”
“You can’t bring this up now. She’s only got two or three weeks left in her semester; do you want to sabotage her academics?”
“You can’t divorce her now. She’s taking classes and trying to improve herself.”
“You can’t divorce her now. She’s in a town without friends, without a job, without a way to support herself.”
“You can’t divorce her now with the Holidays right around the corner!”
“You can’t divorce her now, she only just recently got okay about the dog!”
“You can’t divorce her. You took her years between 25 and 40!”

Little voice will always be the voice that argues. But here’s a question for YOU, Little Voice. What if you turned those arguments to my interest? What if you were arguing FOR me instead of with me? How would that look. What arguments can you make that have my best interest in mind?

“You can’t divorce her. You’ve invested too much of your time, heart, and money.”
“You can’t divorce her. You don’t want to hurt her.”
“You can’t divorce her. You do genuinely care about her.”
“You can’t divorce her. You honestly think she’s attractive.”
“You can’t divorce her. Think about the family dynamics.”

But you see? There you go Little Voice. The arguments don’t include things like “You have a great love.” They don’t include things like “You have a wonderful relationship.” They don’t include things like “You’ll miss the gentle feeling of her lips on yours.” Because that kind of stuff doesn’t come in to play. We will miss her. We’d be heartless bastards otherwise. Because she was, is, has been such an immense part of our life. She was our First Time. She was the smile and the laughter that put light into your world. She was one who knew your mind and your references. The truth is… Wife and I have an amazing friendship. A beautiful friendship that is absolutely worth respecting and appreciating. But that’s all it is, Little Voice. How many times have we said, “We’re room mates.” It was the repeated refrain of three years in Omaha. The refrain of 5 months in Tiny Town. The refrain of many months in Des Moines. The opening refrain of Couple’s Counseling. And the repeated refrain of the last 273 days. You have an attractive friend and room mate… who thinks that the relationship is fine provided you sleep together in the same bed. You’ve written all of this before. None of this is new. None of this is even new THIS YEAR. You’ve been stuck in this exact place for years and years now. You owe it to yourself, and frankly? You owe it to her.