Fighting Demons That Can't Be Killed in Ultimate Randomness

I wasn't originally planning on writing much, but there is an awful lot going on right this second. First, my birthday is going to come while I am in the middle of writing this entry. But it won't only be my birthday. Currently, my sister is in labor and she will have her son sometime probably in the next couple of hours, which is funny because I was born at 1:58 AM Eastern Time on March 12. It will be a pretty close thing. The one thing I am hoping my new nephew will get is my sister's personality and not mine. I wouldn't want anybody, especially my nephew, to go through any of the same things I have, especially the depression and self-doubt I have been dealing with for more than half of my life. I am sure he will have a happy childhood because my sister and brother-in-law will be great parents and with my sister's in-laws, their son will never want for anything. So as long as he doesn't end up a spoiled brat, all should be good. Still, while I would hope he has some of my good qualities, I hope he is not much like me. Especially because I just cannot shake my demons. I have felt pretty good for the last week and I had my appointment with my shrink today and all was well, but on the way home, a stray thought slipped into my mind. I thought to myself, "Why has it been so easy for the women I have dated in the past to cheat and/or leave me?" And so I have been on that mindset since then. It was bad enough working over 14 hours between both of my jobs today. At this point, I have been up for 20 hours and I don't feel very tired. Now I have to deal with my worst enemy: my own mind. It is the part of myself I have the least control over. It is also the part of myself I use the most. I really wish I could shut it off, but I never have figured out how. And it can be very dangerous considering I am a very reflective, self-aware person. It can be a very useful tool for learning and improving myself, but it is also my greatest detractor and has harmed me more than anything else in my life. That is why these negative thoughts keep popping into my head. Still, it is convincing enough that I really do wonder if I have some fundamental flaw that causes the women in my life to cheat on me or leave before they do. You know about my wife. We had an arrangement, but she constantly went against it to the point that she started relationships, in essence cheating on me before she left me. My last girlfriend dumped me shortly after going off to college. She may or may not have slept with someone else before she dumped me for good, but she definitely didn't wait long after in any case. My girlfriend before that cheated on me with her next door neighbor's kid who was about the same age. My girlfriend before that dumped me because I was going off to college. It really makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me, or if I am just really bad at choosing women, or both. All of these things were on my mind as I sat in front of the Hut on the sidewalk, contemplating my 32 years on this planet, wondering how I managed to get where I am, with a life I never wanted. And then I remembered also, this is the first time I will truly be alone on my birthday in 14 years. Ever since then, I have had a girlfriend or wife to look forward to spending the day with or talking to on the phone or whatnot. And now I am alone. What's worse, I am starting to really hate myself because I never seem to talk about anything else, and I am getting tired of listening to myself bitch and moan about it. Still, it is all that ever seems to be on my mind and I haven't figured out how to make it go away, short of alcoholic obliteration, which I can't do because of my meds. Joy. Oh well, that is enough complaining on my part. Hope everyone who reads this has a great day. Good night all.