Familiar Anxiety in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

The feeling I am experiencing? Is familiar as hell. It is the same feeling I had when trying to break up with Abusive Ex. It is the same feeling I had when leaving Steve’s Shoes for the last time. It is the same feeling I had when trying to leave the Chinese Law firm.

It is this feeling that…
What I am doing, I am doing for my own health and my own benefit. And that doesn’t feel right. For whatever reason, it doesn’t feel RIGHT to do something for my own health and my own benefit. But I need to. And I know my actions will hurt someone. I know my actions will profoundly influence the lives of other people. And I find myself second guessing myself strictly for that reason. My mind instantly tries to argue that I am not allowed to put my own health and my own benefit before anyone else. Everything in me pulls to say, “Your lot is struggle and suffer; stop trying to change that.” But I need to.

I need to disentangle myself from the person that has refused opportunities. I need to disentangle myself from the person that makes me feel bad about spending time with other people. I need to disentangle myself from someone who considers what we have a marriage. I need to do that.

Please Be Strong Enough To Leave
By Marisa Donnelly, May 10th 2016

This is who you are: You are a person who loves.

A person with eyes that see the good in the world, hands that bless others, a smile that brightens rooms, and a heart that softens even the hardest of places.

You love because this is how you’ve always been, never holding back.

You open yourself in relationships, you draw people in, you care unconditionally. Sometimes to the point of your own self-destruction. Sometimes for people who don’t deserve it.

Sadly, a person with such a big heart can end up empty. Just because you love, doesn’t mean you can change people. Sometimes you fall into relationships that end up breaking you. You love people who betray you, who hurt you, who treat you not like a person, but like a stepping stone. Sometimes you’re disregarded and it’s a terrible shame.

Because you love so deeply, and should be loved that deeply in return.

Whether male or female, dating or casual, no matter the length of time together, or even the seriousness, if you are in a relationship with someone who hurts you physically or emotionally, who doesn’t treat you with love and respect, or who doesn’t value what you bring or who you are: Then please have the strength to leave.

Life is too fragile to settle for a partner who is abusive, for a connection that is one-sided, for being with someone who sucks the energy and happiness from you on a daily basis.

You are a person of value. You deserve care. You deserve respect.
You are not an afterthought, not a 3AM text, not a punching bag, not a side note before moving onto the next adventure.

You are the adventure.

You are a person who deserves smiles the second you wake up, who deserves happiness, who deserves to be thought of throughout an entire day, not just in the lonely hours of the night.

You are not just a convenience, not just a back-up plan, not just something there to fall back on when the rest of life doesn’t pan out.

You are a person of value. And if you aren’t treated with value, you need to be strong enough to walk away.
Relationships are never easy. They confuse, they cause worry, they mess with the way you think and how your heart skips. But at the end of the day, your relationship should bless your life, not take away from it.

You should be with a person that makes you love yourself, love your days, love your life.

And if you are loving someone who does the opposite, you need to let go. You need to let go of their touch, their kiss, the way they laugh, or the little things they do to make you smile. Because if those beautiful things are overshadowed by bigger, painful things, then no matter how many laughs and smiles you share—you will still end up empty.

You need to have the strength to move on, to know your worth and know that there is something, someone else out there that will treat you how you deserve to be treated.

Sometimes giving your all isn’t enough. Sometimes love alone cannot fix a broken relationship. And you cannot keep destroying yourself, trying to make your relationship work.

You cannot take the blame or take the burden, believing that somehow this is your fault. When you are treated like anything less than the treasure you are, that is not your fault.

So please, have the strength to leave.

Have the strength to see the reality of your shattered situation. Have the strength to realize that you deserve the world, because that’s what you give to the one you love. Have the strength to know that there is freedom on the other side of this relationship, if you pull through, if you push and claw and scratch your way out.

Please know that you are a good person. A person who deserves love, the best kind of love.

Letting go is not synonymous with leaving. You are not weak because you are pulling away. Sometimes things cannot be fixed and you cannot take that responsibility and regret on your shoulders.

Know that you did all you could to save the relationship.
And now it’s time to save yourself.