More Purpose in What's Happening

Sound is so much crispier in the the fall season. The cold air seems to chauffeur noises right to your ear drum. Things you normally don’t notice stand out more, like the car door latching when you shut it.

This morning I needed an appropriate breakfast for my hangover; fast food.

I sat in my Nissan truck and ate with no sound except for the symphony provided by my running engine. It sounded extra sharp with the acoustics of autumn. I regretted my decision to drink the night before, but regret is so inherent for me on the day after drinking it’s easy to ignore. I focused on more important things like getting my orange juice container at the perfect angle so I could get one more quenchable pull from it with my straw.

I really didn’t think about much. I just continued to ponder about my life. It just seems so boring lately, but I don’t have the motivated to do anything to make it more exciting. I think my problem is that I don’t have enough chaos. My life just keeps operating like a well oiled machine. Even when a problem comes up I usually have a fail-safe ready.

It wasn’t until more recently I realized that I can continue to operate my life in this well oiled machine manner for the rest of my life if I wanted to. Like I had already won the game of real-life. If I don’t change anything I can continue the way I am and live a life that would seem somewhat notable on paper.

I guess that’s why people decided to have children. I’ve never really been interested in that, but I can understand the need to have a purpose. The irony in having kids to find purpose is that you’re just giving birth to more things that will have no purpose. I guess that’s a little nihilistic to think that way. My brain tends to go down that road sometimes.

I wish I wasn’t so stoic. I have a personality that other people seem to like and am passionate about things, but I think some of it is superficial. I may have learned some of my personality from books and YouTube. Haha!