Breakthrough or Breakdown in Current Events

Basically I can’t tell if I am on the brink of having a breakthrough or if I am on the brink of having a breakdown. Internally, I didn’t realize how constipated my brain was. How cluttered it all is. There is a lot to process so that I can get closer to my higher self. Externally I have problems but again, it is the context of my life that is the problem and not the contents. I’m almost out of money, nobody has called me for interviews so I have to get back out there and grind harder. It just doesn’t feel like I will get anything out of life until I understand what it is that I even want out of life. Monks have no possessions and they are some of the happiest people alive. Passion is for ourselves and purpose is for others. I know that my purpose is to become my authentic self and then add value to others. To serve others. To heal others. To help other people meet their own individual unique potentials. I’m a healer, that is my calling. I don’t know what passions I have that would help me do that. I assumed nutrition and becoming a dietician was it but like, Steve Jobs was not a programmer or a marketer (I might need to be fact-checked). He didn’t have the “talents”, he managed the talents. He said that he was the orchestra. Theoretically, I could still open the clinic/centre that I want and just hire the nutritionists and life coaches and fitness trainers and create the programs and workshops that I want to give the world. To help with the two pandemics that are plaguing humanity. The one in the body and the one in the mind… but here I am with nothing but a few hundred bucks and endless future potentials. Kids graduating today are the luckiest people alive, they don’t have that baggage! Life hasn’t killed their dreams yet so they can take those massive risks and grind at their highest levels… I don’t have that baggage either, I never had a dream before and now here I am in my thirties finally trying to understand what to do with my life only I am fully aware of how this world works so I’m afraid of risks. Nobody learns from success stories, we learn from failure stories. I have got to find a way to be fearless already. I’m just crippled and ruled by my fears. Fears that I created because I let myself be defined by the ideas and programming that society gave me. I let myself feel separated by all of these labels that I was given. Again, it’s all context that is my problem and not the content! This is torture! I want to blame the world and hold it accountable for my problems but I can’t. I’m not on that level anymore… I feel like this internal/external “chaos” is exactly what I need right now. My make or break moment. I had let so many negative thoughts and actions get in and I shut too many positive thoughts and actions out and now I’m just… comfortable because it’s everything that I know so I feel safe. I don’t know what my doctor will have to say about all of this but he will help me get what I need here. Therapy, counselling or medication. I’m open to all of it. I am changing, I can feel it. I can’t tell if I am dying in installments here or if I am coming to life in installments here. Both are going to be painful but only one of them is going to lead me closer to peace and bliss. Blah, growing pains. I miss when the roads weren’t full of snow so that I could go for a run! I’ll take a long walk instead and actually get some food in me. Then continue on my quest to learn how to take action in life instead of just reacting to life.