LSD in Phoenix

Suddenly, it seems, I am able to process thoughts and emotion at lightning speed. A thought pops into my head and, immediately, I am able to identify its source and eliminate the negative emotions around it.

I know I concern myself with questions like, “But won’t 5 days of me be too much?” because I have always been told I am too much. I am too intense, I talk too much, I’m overwhelming, intimidating, annoying. And so I worry that I will scare him, overwhelm him, annoy him, because that is how I was trained to behave. I was trained to be fearful of rejection, of love withdrawn, if I didn’t behave in this way or that, if I didn’t dress this way or that, or speak just so, never too loud and never for very long because oh, how I drone on and on, rambling, with never a point to make.

Because I have lost so much in life, I have become a hoarder, afraid to throw things away because what if I need them someday? When you’ve lost pretty much everything you own several times in life, well… you start hanging on to things, and worrying about losing them, because you know what it was like before you had them.

But this is different. Of course I want to keep him, I would keep him every day, for always and forever, if I could. But just because I can’t doesn’t mean I need to worry about losing him. Sure, I remember what it was like before him, and it is absolutely better now, with him. But I don’t have him, he isn’t mine to lose, so I can’t lose him. You can’t lose something you don’t own and you can’t own people. And he can never lose me, either, because I will always be right here, wherever here is, loving him. I am not a possession, to be thrown away when I no longer sparkle, any more than he is. The beauty in our freedom is the choice. We are free to choose and we choose each other. I don’t feel a need to cling to him, grasping and afraid of losing him, because I know he loves me like I love him. There is a beautiful balance here.

Maybe I’m crazy, but I think that what we have transcends a simple human relationship. I love him for so many reasons that you could take any dozen of them away and I’d still be overflowing with love. Romantic love is only one type of love. I love him in all the ways you can love a person. I love him as my dearest friend, my wisest adviser, I love him as I think I’d love an over-protective big brother, I love him as family. I love him as one loves a celebrity whom they’ve familiarized themselves with as much as possible. I love his story, his craft, the way he laughs, and the absolutely awful jokes he makes. I love his silly faces and how he can always, always, make me laugh when I need it the most. I love how he loves me, unconditionally, without expectation, without demands. I love how he invites me into his world with little glimpses throughout nearly every day, and I love how he is considerate of me and my needs and my space. I love how he listens, really listens, when I talk, and how he actually reads my journal entries with thought and consideration, and then addresses things with me after.

So yeah, the title. That’s a thing I tried. And everything is different now, within me. Everything feels different. It has been several days and I haven’t experienced a single physical symptom of anxiety or PTSD. My thoughts are still full and racing, but they’re in some sort of order, or they’ve become more manageable somehow. I have experienced a PTSD episode without any physical symptoms. It was… really strange. And amazing. I have this overwhelming sense of inner peace, calmness, contentment. And a newfound sense of confidence that I know for certain I have never possessed. I look at myself in the mirror and I really love that girl I see. She is doing so good in life! She’s strong and independent and successful, and she is so very loved. She has value and worth and talent. She brings happiness to people’s lives, sometimes with intent, but most often just by being herself. She loves with wild abandon. She’s adventurous and silly and serious and intelligent. She’s naive and wise and always wants to learn more.

I am also feeling love and affection for him on a much deeper level than I was before. An unquestionably deeper level. I thought I had never experienced anything like the love I felt for him before, but this… oh boy, this is new. This feels like… reverence. This is more than love and affection and respect and like and fun and all the things I’ve experienced to this point. It’s powerful and profound and… well, to be honest, a little frightening. Frightening but also exhilarating. Exciting. Awe-inspiring. Divine. Yes, divine. It feels almost holy. So pure and bright and white, like a light shining in the very center of me, wherever that is. It feels like every good thing you could ever imagine all rolled together, every good feeling, every happy moment. I feel… infused with love. I am love. Walking, talking love.

Maybe this is my ultimate form? I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure I leveled up and gained a bunch of new skills, so it only stands to reason that a handy-dandy transformation is included with that, right? Now I just need a costume for my new form. Something pink and covered with hearts, I’m thinking. And wings. I want some wings. Sparkly ones. Possibly a tiara.

Last updated November 07, 2019