Public, but iffy in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

I’m making this entry public. I probably shouldn’t. This is one of those things where keeping it public invites criticism and a whole world of mean, nasty, or judgmental comments. And I appreciate that by opting to keep it public, I’m simply embracing that inevitability. I have no room or logical reason to expect different. But then… keeping it public, maybe I’ll get lucky and I’ll get some more people that might be understanding or insightful or empathetic. Because honestly… I’m not looking for pity or sympathy, I’m not looking for complaints that I’m rehashing the same things, and I’m certainly not looking to “play up my experience in an effort to get strangers’ attention and cheat on my wife” as has been previously suggested. I’m here… because I need a place to sort my thoughts. To follow the paths that my brain takes. To understand what is happening both internally and externally. To try to make sense of things that happen. So… yes. Come the criticism and disparaging comments for I shall speak of things that I choose to.

After work yesterday, I had my individual therapy. It is… a little strange… in that as she is one of the ONLY therapists in the county, she likes asking me work related questions since we’re on similar cases. For example, she’s treating one of the kids that may have to give testimony in one of my cases. The mother of the child signed all proper releases so that she and I may discuss the child and the best way to prevent re-traumatizing or further PTSD. Then we discussed a work book she asked me to look into. Honestly, it was 21 pages of infantile drivel to me. Honestly. Things like “Think about an unexpected event from your childhood. Now, how would you draw that. Finish the following ‘I Statements’ about that experience.” Not to boast or brag but… I could see the value in something like that were I far less intelligent or far less reflective but… this is me here. I can describe the difference between Kant and Hume (and why I prefer one over the other) and I can tell you why, as interesting as Freud was, I am a die-hard Jungian. Expressing “the emotions surrounding my earliest memory” isn’t novel or interesting.... it’s routine. The therapist felt bad about that, but I encouraged her not to worry. We’re still in introductory phases after all, and perhaps something in my workbook answers would help her get to know me in an important way. It isn’t necessarily “What did you get out of the experience” so much as “How can this help propel therapy forward.” We then returned to something I gave her last time. You may not remember this but a few years ago, when Wife and I were about to move from Tiny Town to Des Moines, I made a list of things I would want to discuss with a therapist if I could get one. Recently, I reviewed that list and thought Y’know, not a lot has changed from that list. I should bring it with me! So I did. We’ve been discussing how the events (like my abusive relationship) were typically brushed off by past therapists so I honestly don’t think I ever really properly processed it. We discussed how there is a lot of self-doubt due in part to the Fibromyalgia transition but also simply deep seeded sublimating myself for others and a flaring Impostor Syndrome. We haven’t discussed these things at length or in-depth; just reviewing the things that I genuinely feel are issues for me. Of course, my therapist is fascinated by the differences between Wife and I. Whereas I spend a lot of time contemplating the psychological and how I can improve, connect, solve, and reinvent… Wife spends a lot of time contemplating herself and how she feels less than, disconnected, incapable, and self-reviled. But a big thing that we only got to talking about RIGHT AT THE VERY END (because of course) was the “On Paper” versus “In Practice” issue I have. You see, on paper… I have no reason to be miserable. I have a good job, I’m engaged in my community, I make good money, I’m married to a woman I love and am attracted to. In a check-mark kind of way… I am exactly where I want to be, living the life I want to live. It’s that simple. But in practice? It’s a lot different. My Wife does everything at 100% focus except anything relating to others. Homework? Okay, let’s shut out the world and do 10 hours. Netflix? Okay, let’s shut out the world and watch 8 hours. Cell Phone Games? Okay, let’s shut out the world and play 5 hours. AND YET I do need to give her more credit! Yesterday, she went to class, went to the laundromat (because our clothes washer is broken), went to the grocery store, raked the back yard, took Nala for a walk, and did homework until about 11 at night. Now… true, all of that took her 14 hours… at least 8 of which were homework hours… but it is still worth mentioning.

Though, shitty as it is to say I should give her more credit than go into a criticism....as always, as soon as Homework Mode shifts in… bad things happen. I was out of the house yesterday from 7 a.m. until 8 p.m. I have consistently been encouraging Wife to kennel the dog for a few hours a day because the dog needs it. Wife… doesn’t do that. So Nala has been expressing herself through chewing. As we’ve already experienced. When I got home last night, one of our couch cushions had been “started on”… meaning that Nala had started chewing on one of the corners to the point where a lot of stitching had been undone. Of course, Wife has no idea (having been in her Homework Room for hours) and Wife is furious that the dog is destroying things. I, for the tenth time, encourage Wife to kennel Nala periodically through the day to prevent this kind of thing. Wife states, “Yeah but it probably happened while I was in the house.” To which I have to remind her, “Kennel her for a few hours while you’re doing homework. Set an alarm. Put her in the kennel when you start homework, take her out after two hours and play with her, then put her back in the kennel to do more homework.” NOT TO MENTION that… I came home from my day at 8. We feed Nala at 7. When I got home last night at 8:15, I asked Wife if she had eaten any dinner. No. Have you fed Nala? No. Have you been working on homework since 3 or 4? Yes. And at that point, I genuinely thought to myself Yup, if she’s alone with the dog for more than 24 hours, the poor thing may die.

So just to finish up what I was trying to say previously, sorry got off topic, the Therapist and I were discussing how life is very different On Paper versus In Practice. And what I really want that bridges that gap. Obviously, it is easy to say “sex.” I mean… I would certainly HOPE most married couples don’t get years and years without sexual intimacy or even “more than friends kissing.” Then again, I’m making an assumption and I could be wrong. Maybe the American Standard is that married couples have sex 1 to 3 times a year at most. Though I highly doubt it. BUT THE TRUTH IS as obvious as the sexual stuff is… it really isn’t THE problem, is it? And this is what we had started to uncover and investigate. Because ultimately the underlying problem, I would say is… co-existing. The actual having a relationship part. Because… when she is doing her “hyper focus for hours” thing… that isn’t co-existing. That is… kind of leaving her in whatever world she’s chosen to be in… and living around her. When it comes to what we do together it almost always falls to: Wife wants to catch up on our DVR List. Period. End of interaction. So our marriage is essentially… arguing, watching television, staying out of each other’s way if we can, helping around the house if we can, and sleeping next to each other. That’s our “shared life”. We don’t… interact. So… maybe that’s why THE SEX THING is such a giant issue. It is a lightning rod issue of “I literally need you to interact with me for this part of our relationship to happen” and that demonstrates the big problem in our relationship.

So that was therapy. Then I had to drive to play practice. Rural Roads… No Street Lights… and it started snowing. So… bit of a slow, less comfortable drive!

Play practice itself is… stressed, to be fair. I’m getting my lines mostly down (still a few improvisations but nothing that can’t be covered). But that being said… we still aren’t practicing with a finished set. We still aren’t practicing with the props. We still aren’t practicing in costume. Our rehearsal schedule is Thursday Night, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday… then we start doing the show for real. 5 rehearsals and we haven’t got a finished set, worked with props, and don’t even know what the costumes are. ThAt SeEmS cRaZy to me!! So… fingers crossed and into the breach.

But something additional… I have confessed to my co-actors that the piece is a little extra personal for me. Because I’m… depressed and undone after Act 2 Scene 1. And I didn’t want them thinking I was method or a bad guy… just a guy going through VERY SIMILAR marital issues. I didn’t want to get into it much more than that. They don’t need to know my whole life story or anything. But… yeah. Mentioned how it felt like my wife had passed on me, wasn’t interested in maintaining a relationship, and the struggle about divorce or not was very close to me. This is important information for the following story:
On Tuesday Night, a particular scene wasn’t working between the Love Interest and I. (While the Love Interest in the play is played by someone who doesn’t fit my description of ‘perfect knock out’ she is a very attractive petite redhead… and petite redhead are two words that definitely get my attention). The scene had a lot of repeated lines and strange blocking, so the director said we would need to work on that. Love Interest asked to exchange phone numbers and I thought nothing of it, believing it to be play-related if we continued to have issues. Wednesday Night, she and I were discussing being nervous for the show but not as actors. I was worried how my guests would react to seeing something they know is so personal to me played on stage. She was worried about orchestrating which show her in-laws would see. She then mentioned at that moment that, “they don’t approve” of her lifestyle. She left the question out there but… I am quite the gentleman and assumed she meant “Actor” or “House Wife” or something like that. When it was clear I wasn’t asking, she wanted to make sure I understood. She was poly-amorous and her in-laws don’t approve. So she had to make sure that her in-laws did not attend the same show as her partner. Which I thought was interesting language that makes sense to me… not “boyfriend” but partner so she has a Husband and a Partner. Thinking back on it, that means I must have met her partner. Looks… well… certainly not the type of guy I would select or want to be around but as I am quick to say- I was a conservative for the first 30 years of my life, so there you go. A while later after I really sold a scene in which my character is about to explode into tears because he knows his marriage is over but doesn’t want to accept it… backstage, she asked me how the divorce was going. Ah. She took my “struggle about divorce or not” and thought I was in the active process. I explained to her that we hadn’t divorced yet, hadn’t filed, but I had been really struggling with the decision whether to leave her for the last year.

Some things never change, my friends.
AT THIS MOMENT RIGHT NOW I WANT TO HEAR WHAT YOU THINK AT THIS POINT IN THE STORY. GO GO, I’LL WAIT.

DID YOU TELL ME?

I CAN STILL WAIT IF YOU WANT. I’LL EVEN GO INTO A MUSICAL INTERLUDE IF IT HELPS:

So, play practice ended. I took a bit of a walk to get back to my car. And as I got into my car, I started replaying the conversation a bit. She either wanted me to know or didn’t care if I knew she was poly-amorous. She had asked for my number the previous evening. She was under the impression that I was divorced or about to be. WAS SHE INTERESTED IN ME? No. That wouldn’t make any sense. She’s married and has a partner. And I’m… I mean. That doesn’t make any sense… does it? Could she be interested?

I got home. (This part circles back up a bit, so highlights)
(a) I got home around 8:15 p.m.
(b) Wife hadn’t eaten and hadn’t fed the dog
(c) So I feed the dog and throw a pizza in the oven
(d) I play with the dog while the pizza cooks, Wife continues to do her homework
(e) I carve pizza, Wife takes a break to eat food, watch a week old episode of Jeopardy.
(f) It is now 9:00 p.m. and Wife wants to watch television and take notes. I can never be the type that is okay or gets that. She wants to watch a Sir David Attenborough nature program and take notes from her text books. Fine. But… I don’t want to watch that program and honestly am confused as to your whole note-taking scheme but God speed. I’ll take the dog downstairs to play video games and play with the dog.

Which is what I did. I started playing some Borderlands and a little fetch with Nala. And as I was doing that, my mind wandered and started wondering more about Love Interest and the whole possibility of what if, what could, how would I… the future hypotheticals of it all. Honestly, I’d never considered things from that perspective.

I’ve certainly considered “What if Wife says you can have an open marriage?” I have considered that. And I’ll be honest with you about it: It worries me. Sex is meaningful to me. To not have sex with my wife but to have sex with another woman feels… backwards. Foolish. Stupid. Like… I get that I probably could but it would have to be one of those REALLY WEIRD AWKWARD set ups where Wife knows the woman, likes the woman, could potentially be friends with the woman… and Wife finding her attractive too wouldn’t hurt. Because even if it is strictly an “open marriage”… I wouldn’t be able to separate the ideas of Sex and Family. Like… I could have sex and dates with this “Other Woman” without feeling compelled to introduce her at Christmas and Thanksgiving and that kind of thing… but I’d certainly want my Wife to be involved or at least informed.

But I’ve never considered the concept from the other side. “What if someone who was poly-amorous was interested in you?” So I spent time last night considering that possibility. And because of how my mind works, it isn’t a binary “Pull 1 for yes, Pull 2 for no” kind of answer. Scenarios, Hypotheticals, Situational Changes… I’m an attorney, syllogize the problem.

THE FOLLOWING REPRESENTS STRICTLY MY OPINIONS, BELIEFS, AND ASSUMPTIONS. CRITICISM IS EXPECTED BUT PLEASE NOTE, I WILL NOT CENSOR MY MIND PURELY TO KEEP MY THOUGHTS “CONFORMING TO CURRENT SOCIAL NORMS OR EXPECTATIONS.”

(1) Were you unmarried, would you be willing to date a woman that was married but in a poly-amorous marriage?
A: Likely, but I would have my reservations. It would be very strange for me to “resign myself” to a relationship where I could never get married to the other person. It would be rather like when I dated the bisexual. I would think, “Yeah. I can do this. No problem.” But I would never be confident that we had a future. And eventually, the reality that nothing would ever change allowing me to marry that person would drive me to end things. Because… I would want to be married.

(2) Now what if you got divorced? Take it from this moment. You and (Wife) decide to divorce, and you are free to do whatever you want. What now?
A: In that situation, I think yes absolutely. I’d agree up front that I was inexperienced and hadn’t dated in a LONG time, but being part of a poly-amorous relationship under those circumstances wouldn’t be that bad OR that weird. Might even be an appropriate “rebound” relationship as all parties involved would likely understand that it wasn’t a “permanent or long term” situation but a helpful transition for someone in a rough patch.

(3) Now what if you got divorced but had been dating for a while? Take it from a few years from now. You’ve been on the dating circuit for 5 years and now you’re 40. What now?
A: What I would probably most likely end up saying is… absolutely not. If I had been divorced for five years, dating around, even if I was in a long slump, I don’t think I’d be as willing to jump into a poly-amorous thing. On the one hand, if I had been successful up to that point? I wouldn’t want to get involved in something that would be “overly complicated” and trying to figure out how to have a relationship with a married woman with kids sounds complicated… even IF all parties are consenting. On the other hand, if I had been failing all over… like… no dates since divorce… getting involved with a married woman would just about gut me. I imagine that future version of myself and… yeah. Nothing for five years… comparing the “coupled nothing” to the “divorced nothing” would put me in a really fragile place to start with. Then you add in the feeling of “The only woman you can get is one who is already married and had her kids” and… OOF. Honestly, I think that would emotionally devastate me.

(4) Okay, then. What about right now. Right now. You’re married, but certainly not doing backflips. If she really was flirting with you, how do you respond?
Current me would indicate that I am definitely flattered and would have counted my blessings that such a woman would be interested in me; but while I’m married and going to counseling and trying to see if this can be salvaged at all, I would have to decline. OF COURSE there are permutations on this as well. For example, let’s say that this is current me but I’ve spoken with (Wife) and (Wife) is okay with it because, “It isn’t like you can fall in love and marry her, so sure”. In that highly unlikely instance, I’d definitely be for it. However, if the example were… we get to couple’s counseling and counselor says, “You need to try an open marriage” that would be different. I would decline the poly-amorous invitation in an effort to genuinely explore what my IRL options would be in a dating scenario.

(5) Now here’s where things get dicey. The number 1 way that this is a significant departure from “a single woman” for me is the following:
If this woman, Love Interest, were a single woman and expressed interest in dating me… that would strongly impact my view on divorce. If this local, unmarried, youthful, attractive woman (mother or not) were interested in me… then I’d be measurably less terrified of possible looming divorce. However, if this woman, Love Interest, is a married woman and expressing interest in dating me… that does not impact my view on divorce at all. If this local, married, youthful, attractive woman (mother or not) is interested in me… then it doesn’t make me feel better about possible looming divorce at all.

I felt that last one was important to share because the legal status of the other woman having a significant emotional effect on me in some way feels worth noting.

Of course… this entire line of thought was borne from select elements of a conversation that could have easily been misinterpreted or misconstrued. “She either wanted me to know or didn’t care if I knew she was poly-amorous.” can just as easily be “She was worried about something and expressed that worry.” And “She had asked for my number the previous evening” could mean anything… maybe she wanted to make sure you could run lines together if there were problems, maybe she likes your acting and wants to be able to call you if she needs an actor for something, maybe she enjoys your performance and wants to be friends. Besides, “She was under the impression that I was divorced or about to be” isn’t necessarily an indicator of anything other than an observation of true facts. Your marriage hasn’t really changed a whole lot since mid-2018… hasn’t changed a lot in the last FEW years of suck. So a rational, logical person would think that you are somewhere along the path of divorce. But of course, because I’ve always been like this… the thought that leaps to mind is WAS SHE INTERESTED IN ME?