TOMmorrow in Current Events

I am trying to outsmart myself. To outsmart my procrastination. Yesterday, on my computer I split my screen between two websites. One is the page where I upload my resume and the other is my bank account logged in and everything. I opened that one without looking at it and then I basically hid from my computer for the rest of the day. Now I’m on my iPad this morning typing this because I am still a little bitch. Today is also the day I go to the clinic and discuss the results of my bloodwork also. I wonder if I can just call and save myself a trip. “Everything’s fine” is what I am expecting to hear. If I am told that all of this is just anxiety I will… I don’t know what I will do or think. I’ve lived with anxiety and depression since I was four. My anxiety has never manifested physical symptoms like this before.

My sister asked me something yesterday around 4pm and my voice was completely shot from all of that screaming the night before. So I didn’t even speak a word yesterday until 4pm? My life really is depressing. My world is just getting smaller and smaller as I can’t seem to want to push myself to do things that I need to do. But here goes. It’s not like I have anything to lose and I am only dragging out the inevitable. I don’t want to write another entry complaining about the things I’m not better. I want to write about all of the hard work I am doing. Bloody hell I got to stop being a bitch and muster up some courage. I used to be full of courage. I was fearless. I was knocked down and done dirty and I’m letting them win. K. I got to go.

Edit
Hi, I’m back. How are ya? So I bit the bullet and dealt with my money. I’m cutting it pretty close here. I applied for that one position that I wanted and I hope that they give me a call. I want to print my resume and drop it off at a few other places here but I don’t have a printer. Maybe I’ll go to Staples. Apparently, all that I had to do to get a bit of confidence was to read my resume again. It’s pretty dope. I read it and I’m like “I’m lucky to have me” lol. When I look at little retail jobs anyway. If I applied to restaurants I would be more comfortable there but I hated it at my last job. I got a lot of job satisfaction running the place but the physical work of it all was gross. Also, I want to wear nice clothes and look cute when I go to work. The one guy who manages the retail store that I applied to usually recognizes me and says hello and asks how I am doing. The other guy who I suspect is also a manager sometimes says hello but he is usually pretty serious. He is pretty attractive though. He’s tall, slim, not too pretty and dresses alright. He’s a white guy, pretty vanilla. I doubt that he is gay because… his shoes always visually assault me. Also when he walks he doesn’t have that “I’m going to get gay-bashed and/or face racism/sexism today” body language. Do you know that white straight male vibe that I’m talking about? The “I don’t believe in racism, homophobia or misogyny because I’ve never seen it happen to me” kind of vibe? I’m being pretty judgemental about him wow. I’ve witnessed him interact with his employees, he always seems so over it. I want to see this guy smile.

Last updated October 31, 2019